If there is an angel who hands out blessings to crossdressers, then I received many in my lifetime. But, it seemed to me that every blessing also came with a curse. I was one of the lucky girls who had a mother who would play dress up with me as a child. The curse that came with the blessing was that I was an effeminate boy, and paid the price at school in some horrible ways. I had just turned seven when a boy tried to kill me by drowning at the beach. I had to fight to survive, but damage was done. Water from Long Island Sound had gotten into my sinuses and caused an abscess. My left eye ended up swollen shut and I had terrible headaches. My doctor misdiagnosed the problem as a virus and I suffered for a week before my mother took me to an eye doctor. I was having emergency surgery a few hours later. The surgeon said I had only about an hour to live when he operated. I came out of it with a scar and a Paris Hilton style lazy eye. It can be seen in the photo of me above.
Other incidents included when a much older boy dragged me by my hair a good distance on concrete. In middle school, I worked up the courage to ask a girl out only to be told that I was so ugly I had better get used to being alone. By the time I was seventeen I knew I was different and not normal. I realized I was a freak and none of the girls I was attracted to would ever want anything to do with me. I began drinking heavily and started smoking weed. I was suffering from major depression and was having a lot of suicidal thoughts. By age twenty I had given up on ever having a life with a woman. I was a freak and no woman would want an ugly freak who liked dressing up in satin. By that time, I had excised all my effeminate traits and came across as a regular guy.
I tried running from what I was by leading a crazy life of adventure after crazy adventure. I found work as an adult bookstore clerk, and when nobody was looking I would read the transvestite magazines that were for sale there. I would despise myself for my weakness in looking at those magazines. I also did things like go to a lingerie shop to buy pretty things, only to purge a few weeks later. I always felt crushing guilt after one of those secret trips to shop. I tried all the usual ways CDs attempt to run away from themselves.
I even tried joining the military, but bad knees kept me from passing the physical. Then I tried to run by becoming a bodybuilder, but I didn’t just lift weights. I heated my house with wood and would cut over three cords of hardwood with no truck and no chainsaw. I would drop trees with an ax and then chop them into logs I could carry out on my shoulder. I carried logs so heavy the ground would shake when I dropped them. Then I cut them with a hand saw and split them with a sledge hammer and wedges. I would also run up a mountain every other day on a six mile run, where the first two miles were all uphill. On off days I ran a half mile with a half a concrete block in each hand. I pushed my body to its limits and beyond with each and every workout.
By age 27 I still had never gone on a date. I discovered that I could never become strong enough or fast enough to escape what I was. I stopped purging, but I was still a lingerie-only CD. I also began going to bridal shops to buy satin gowns at that time, but thought there was no point in even trying makeup or a wig because I would just look so awful. It was also around that time when I began making trips to New York City to see professional femdoms as a client, to explore my crossdressing fantasies. At age 32, I met a mistress named Anya and she took me home. She became the first woman I ever dated. She is still my dearest friend 30 years later.
She planted a seed of self esteem in me for the first time in my life. I was hanging out with her one afternoon when she had a call from a man asking her out for that afternoon. She told him she was with someone special that day, but maybe another time. I asked who it was. I can’t say the name, but every one of you would know who he is. She turned down a date with an iconic pop star to hang out with me.
One day while she was working, I made a trip to Lee Brewster’s boutique for crossdressers and drag queens and purchased a wig and a pretty satin dress. Anya gave me a makeover using her own cosmetics and when I looked in the mirror I saw potential for the first time in my life.
Just before turning 35, I decided to dress fully and attempt makeup. I sat on my bed with a mirror and proceeded to make an absolute mess of things. I was never artistic and had shaky hands. It seemed hopeless but I practiced and then practiced some more. When I thought I was seeing an acceptable result I went out and bought a Polaroid camera and used a long pole to press the shutter. Those first photos were not very good, but I took a giant leap of faith and submitted them to all the contact magazines that existed, advertising myself as a CD dominatrix. My first time out the door dressed was to do an out-call session seeing another CD about 40 miles from home. I was scared out of my mind and had a major panic attack, but I made myself do it. Soon, I was a very busy girl, driving all over PA, MD, NJ, DE, WV and DC dressed in fetish wear. That was scary!
By 1996 I was working one day a week at a dungeon in New Jersey. By 1997 I had achieved my ultimate fantasy to work full-time at a dungeon in Manhattan. I was less than two years out of the closet when I became the queen of NYC for a year. I was suddenly on all kinds of magazine covers and writing stories and articles for Feminine Illusion and Adam As Eve. Adam As Eve was sold on newsstands so my face was all over NYC.
The month I was on that cover I was taking the Staten Island Ferry in drab when a street preacher looked right at me and proclaimed that, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam as Eve.” That was a very freaky moment. Undeterred, I went all over the city dressed as a dominatrix, standing about 6’11 in my high heels. I even went and did an out-call session at the Marriott Marquis in Times Square. That was the best night of my life as Barbie.
Whereas most CDs work hard to avoid exposure, I worked ten times harder to make myself known to every human being on earth. I didn’t manage that, but I did a pretty good job of it. I can’t even guess at how many people have seen at least one of my photos – it must be in the millions. Other than that one street preacher, nobody ever identified my male self as being Barbie. I can understand why most girls want to keep their photos out of the public eye. I never experienced any fallout until I posted a photo of myself as Barbie on Classmates.com, yet it was the right thing to do for me. I feel like I accomplished something as Barbie and refused to hide it away from my old classmates. I think one of the biggest impediments many girls have is the need for safety in all things, but nobody ever accomplished anything great in this world by playing it safe. I don’t regret a single wild adventure I had out in the world doing things that would terrify most girls. I regret I didn’t have even more of them.
The final curse and the final blessing were one in the same: simply fame. I strived for fame harder than anyone else I have ever met. As the old saying goes, ”Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it.” While fame opens many doors, it closes just as many. Above I’ve shared the earliest photo I have of myself. As you can see, my start was not very impressive, but I worked at it. Other than having a smile line filled, I had no facial surgery. Anyone being honest would see that photo and tell me my dreams were delusional. But the power of your mind can change how you look. I think if you believe in yourself you can accomplish almost anything.
Barbie
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Barbie Satin
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- Getting Past Shame To Make A Life In The World - July 11, 2022
I created a new account to let you all know I am no longer a member. I will also be deleting this account in a few minutes. I didn’t want you all to think I was ignoring your nice comments. I could not reply because I closed my account after having my forum posts censored. I also realized I was upsetting some of you just by existing. I will not stay where I am not wanted and I am not wanted here. Also some of you who know I have left have replied as if I was still a member.… Read more »
Barbie, Hi…………Thank You for sharing that…………..hope you will be back…….would like to girl talk with you ………share stories ……..it’s so hard to be…….. this kind of girl …….karley