I recently reached a crossdressing milestone in my life. Twenty-five years of going out dressed as a woman, or more accurately, going out as the woman I feel is within has recently given me cause to reflect on those experiences. I’m talking about being in a public setting where I am not in control of who I may or may not run into.

Like many of us, my dressing began in private and remained that way for many years. Walking around in heels and a skirt in a safe place was only partially satisfying, and so I had resigned myself to a life of closet-dressing. I attended group meetings where several of us rented a large hotel suite where we were able to dress and hang out together. We were all pretty much in the same situation. As much as I enjoyed this, it seemed as if it were only a much bigger closet; I wanted more. Slowly, often very slowly, I went out more, often in the comfort of other crossdressers, and always taking care to be very discrete. I would look over my shoulder and carefully observe my surroundings, hoping not to cast too much of a shadow.

With time, I felt as if I could pass. I became more comfortable going shopping and dining out. One could say that practice makes perfect. The routine of going to places and doing activities, especially shopping, helped me find a level of comfort. My excursions have been very enjoyable and uneventful and rarely have there been much in the way of interactions with people when out. Again, I have been somewhat invisible, so to claim I was passing may not be accurate, especially if my presence was hardly noticed or not at all.

En Femme Style

There were circumstances where interactions occurred, mostly with women, but also men, and they allowed me to become more confident, at least I didn’t feel the need to avoid interaction, and I actually found it interesting, delightful, a part of the feminine experience. One time a woman approached me while shopping and asked my opinion on something, I wanted to look around to see who she was talking to. Rather tentatively, I gave my opinion. She was delighted to carry on with the conversation about the selections, color choices, and apparently oblivious to my presentation or didn’t care in the least. It was the first of many, and each one that followed became a little easier. Over time, it presented to me a feeling of validation that I was real. Not only real but worthy of being there, as well as being seen and heard.

Recently, I had an opportunity to meet with a friend who is much like I once was but wants to branch out and live more freely as herself. We met for coffee and immediately she wanted to know how I could do it. How could I just walk into a department store, try on clothes and shoes, when I was taller, had a deeper voice, etc., without being scared? What I told her was that it’s perfectly okay, and in most cases, no one really brothers trying to determine if she is really a woman, if they even noticed her at all.

She wasn’t buying my advice and couldn’t relate to my experience. I invited her to go shopping with me. Reluctantly, she agreed. She did browse and found a couple of items, but she could not bring herself to go through the checkout, instead, asking me to pay for her. It was clear that she was much more nervous than I realized, and she didn’t think she would try it again.

Koala Swim

I really wanted to help her, feeling as if I failed her by not relating how my confidence had been gained over time. What could I say or show her that would help her gain that same confidence and enjoy herself fully as the woman she felt she was?

I’m told that I pass very well, and as such, I try to dress and act appropriately for my age. I ask myself what it is that allows me to successfully go to the grocery store, shopping, etc. What can I pass along to my friend? Passing is a big part of it, but I see women whose appearance suggests less effort at being deemed to be dressed age-appropriately. So, part of the answer is not in passing, but in one’s confidence. Having the capacity to show up however you desire. In no particular order or level of precedence, this is how I am trying to help my friend achieve her goal of going out in confidence and safety.

We are somewhat fortunate to live in a time where being dressed in the clothes of the opposite sex is no longer a violation of the law. Culturally, it is still at odds with what many people expect.

Take care not to stand out too much. If you are going to a familiar place, take notes on what women are wearing in those places. A Cis-woman can get away with wearing almost anything, but for a non-Cis woman, something comfortable, not fussy, or unmanageable is best. I love getting a bit more dolled up and glamorous, but I avoid stopping by the hardware store or garden center in heels.

Familiarize yourself with the places you will go to. Maybe even visit them discretely while in male mode to learn what the place is like or when the best time is to visit or is it crowded, who are the clientele. It has been my experience that I received more acceptance and felt more comfortable in places where I was mostly in the company of women. Women have noticed something that might give me away, but they have always been discrete about it. I have also witnessed men who have seemed somewhat uncomfortable, but nothing happened.

Pay with cash if you are uncomfortable tendering a credit card with a male name. Smile! Women often smile and greet other women, so be prepared to return the smile.

If concerned about catastrophic circumstances, car trouble, unable to return home incognito, carry makeup wipes and a change of clothes.

Check for gender non-discrimination support in-store policies and local ordinances. There is no guarantee, but many companies provide training to employees to avoid discrimination. In the beginning, visit places that have inclusive policies.

Last but not least, it’s likely that you won’t experience violence while shopping; it is still a possibility. It is necessary to give it some consideration.

Several of my first outings were Halloween and Costume balls. There was no question that I was en femme and obviously crossdressed for all the world to see. It was somewhat desensitizing being seen that way as if I were part of a joke or gag. It did give me an opportunity to gain some of that much-needed confidence.

Exceptional Voice

Be confident, be yourself, and maybe you’ll have some wonderful experiences of your own to share.

 

 

 

More Articles by Carla Roberts

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    Fiona Girl
    Baroness
    4 months ago

    I would love to go shopping with you if we lived anywhere close together! Your article was wonderful and I relate to so many things you said. I am not as advanced as you but I see my own experience as a earlier version of yourself. I’ve started to imagine myself as more than a guy that dresses up. The real me has feminine elements and my dressing is a reflection of who I am. Hiding my dressing is hiding myself.Although not completely convinced myself, that’s how I see the situation. I wish there were other girls located near me… Read more »

    Tiffany Brown
    4 months ago

    Wonderful suggestions and thanks for sharing more of your story.,

    Cassie Jayson
    Duchess
    Active Member
    4 months ago

    Such a great story, Carla. I hope your story and insight gives others the courage to go out and just do it. I know for me I was here t CDH almost a year reading all the wonderful adventures before I went out and had my first big adventure. I went out and had my hair colored while I was dressed en femme. I did this in a city almost an hour away. Now in the last 4 months (in the city where I have worked for over 40 years) I have had my hair colored, nails done (3 times… Read more »

    Sharon Leys
    4 months ago

    I’ve been out in public only for the past three years, and loved the initial thrill. Now I feel very comfortable in my female identity and during the Covid lockdown from my job, working at home, I dressed en femme every day and went to shop, go to the post office and bank, grocery store and the like. As an older person, I think I pass mostly because we older ladies, dressed conservatively, draw little attention. Bless you for your essay, Carla.

    Marie Chandler
    Baroness
    Trusted Member
    4 months ago

    Nicely written article! Thank you for sharing your experiences. As someone who’s just started to venture out during the day, a good lesson that I’ve learned is that I feel better and more confident if I just “own it”. A mantra that I repeat to myself in stressful situations is, “acceptance over passing”. Meaning that I assume that everyone reads me as a crossdresser and I’m okay with that. Maybe I pass and maybe I don’t, but I don’t want the enjoyment of the experience to hinge on passing. If I let my confidence ride on simply passing, then the… Read more »

    Jodi Valley
    4 months ago

    Nicely written article. Confidence is key. I don’t feel I pass but all my interactions have been pleasant.

    One thing I would like to add. Add a second card to your account with your female name. Then you can use a card instead of cash. I find it very validating even when doing on-line purchases. Very few places even check and ID when using a credit card.

    Jennifer Ramirez
    Member
    4 months ago

    Thank you Carla,
    Am so happy for you.
    I use too only go out to the park
    Dressed up in exercise clothes &a over sized sweater, but since covid hit I haven’t had the time to get some girl time to walk in public. Thank you for the encouragement to all of us, keep it up.

    Last edited 4 months ago by Jennifer Ramirez
    Jennifer Ramirez
    Member
    4 months ago
    Reply to  Carla Roberts

    Thank you sister ☺️

    Jane Don
    Active Member
    4 months ago

    Ahh-To be retired & have that Freedom– But I Need my job-

    Anastasia Irish
    Duchess
    Active Member
    4 months ago

    What a great journey to take us on. Great suggestions that I would have never thought of. Thank you

    Jennifer Sullivan
    4 months ago

    Hi Jennifer here happy new year to all. I am new to chatting

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