In nature, most animals and plants are most active during the spring and summer months, and then during the fall they begin preparing for the winter when they typically become much less active even to the point of hibernating. Hibernation is a state of almost suspended animation that many species such as bats and woodchucks and some birds enter where they are deep in rest to the point where almost NOTHING can wake them up.
For many of us in the transgender community, however, this cycle of activity is shifted 180 degrees. It is during the winter that we can become more active in our dressing as there are many more opportunities with the colder weather for wearing our desired clothing underneath coats and sweaters. We put on leggings or stockings over legs we can shave because we won’t typically be wearing shorts in the winter time. We can wear camis and bras under our tops because the bulkiness of winter sweaters and coats hides the telltale straps and curves. So for many of us this is the chance to live life a little more as we wish we could all the time.
Crossdresser Heaven in its current incarnation-really began to grow during the fall and winter of 2015-2016. I know that, for myself, I made tremendous strides in my journey of gender exploration. From the first tentative post I made in August of last year-“Dipping my toes in the water-with pink toenail polish”, my journey accelerated as I made new friends and decided that Cynthia would be open and honest and begin to explore her role in my life. With the encouragement of other members, I shaved my entire body of hair leaving smooth and silky skin. I drove back from a football game dressed completely as woman including full makeup and wig and even stopped for gas along the way. I talked to many other members and shared my story of how I had gotten to this point on my transgender journey. I began to dress most evenings after work to the point where I now spend more time as Cynthia than I do as my male shell (although I still haven’t gotten out in the world outside of my car yet). I “got my milkshake” (the story of my first interaction with the world as Cynthia-a brief experience going through the drive thru of Dairy Queen!) Starting electrolysis to permanent remove my facial hair.
Being discovered by my niece to be wearing nail polish which led to my telling her of my trans status-the first person outside of my counselor and the ladies on site here that knows who I truly am!. The trip to the Bowl game and New Orleans with my friend from pool where I desperately wanted to open up and tell her of my TG feelings but failed each time I tried. The hints I dropped on that trip-buying women’s shirts in my size, looking at dresses and skirts in the stores, walking in shorts with my smooth legs showing. Finally telling her about three quarters of the way home on the long drive. The relief I felt from the heavy weight of secrecy I had been struggling under for so many years when she accepted me unconditionally. Showing her pictures of myself in Cynthia mode and thrilling to her compliments! The worry I felt that maybe she had changed her mind about accepting me when a lack of replies to my emails and texts occurred for about three weeks. The joy I felt when we finally touched base again and I realized my fears were for naught! Signing up for the Southern Comfort Conference (a TG/CD conference/meeting with about 750 attendees) in Ft. Lauderdale for this September-with one of my closest friends–a whole week of being able to be Cynthia and interact with hundreds of people-a thought both terrifying and thrilling at the same time. Knowing that my friend and I will support each other through our fears and will celebrate the joys and triumphs together. All of that in six months! And I am certain many others have similar stories and I encourage you to reflect on your own journey and to PLEASE reply to this post with a listing of what you have accomplished since you found this site that has been a lifesaver for so many of us.
But now spring approaches-the time of year when many of us will allow our feminine sides to go into our own form of hibernation. Our smooth skin so often allowed to have the hair return for fear of what others will think as we being to wear summer shorts and swimsuits. The pretty underthings we wore under our sweaters and coats relegated to only being worn in the privacy of our homes as we fear discovery of a strapline here, a piece of lace peeking out there. So many of us are afraid of letting the world know of our feminine sides, so we put that side away-in a sense putting her into hibernation. I wonder how many of us will let the gains we have made over the past six months recede into the background.
But this need not be the case! We can choose to retain those gains and even build on them. In my own case, I decided last fall that unlike all the previous times when I shaved my body hair off, this is the year that I LEAVE it that way for the spring and summer – and the heck with what people may think! Bodybuilders, swimmers and bikers do it all the time anyway and though I am not one of those-no one ELSE knows that!. I’m continuing the electrolysis which has noticeably reduced the shadow of facial hair that used to be quite prominent. In the next week or two, I plan on having a dermabrasion facial (part of a three session special already paid for). I want to try getting a pedicure this spring-not certain yet whether it will be en femme or in male mode but either way I THINK I want to do it with colored polish! I am considering going with a friend for a consultation with a wig specialist and then maybe a makeover at a place like Ulta. And I want to get out more in Cynthia mode and interact with the world. This is the only way I’ll be able to learn if further steps toward transitioning are in my future or not. The trip to the convention this fall will be a big step for me!
I guess the main thing is that I don’t want to lose ground on any of the progress I have made so far, and in fact I want to BUILD on that progress! And I encourage each and every one of you to do the same! Whatever your goals may be, continue to strive toward reaching them! Don’t let the hard work you have made go for naught. Don’t let any obstacles you may be facing on your journey force you to turn back from crossing the finish line! I would encourage each of you to reply to this post with your goals for the year. Commit to taking steps to move forward towards your desired destination.
In conclusion below is a poem I wrote trying to encapsulate the above thoughts!
Her life had reached a tipping point that late mid-summer day.
The gender questions of her life upon her thoughts did weigh.
Could she be happy dressing in the quiet of her home?
Or was it time to let her shine and through the world to roam?
She pondered o‘er the pros and cons of making either choice-
To let the girl stay silent or to finally give her voice.
The fears so far were winning as she added up the cost-
The dangers of her job and family permanently lost?
For life had been quite difficult-the hiding and denying-
Had oft made her believe that part of her was slowly dying.
The joy she felt those too few times when she put on a dress
And felt the way a girl should feel when she looks at her best.
What hope that she could ever be the girl she was inside?
The world would not accept her thus her femme side was denied.
She put the mask of manhood on and part of her was crushed-
The giggles of her girlishness were soon forever hushed.
But then she came upon a site that opened up her eyes-
The moment she perused it, she began to realize
That she was NOT alone as she had feared for many years
And as that thought alit, she shed the first of many tears.
The dreams she had forsaken were not dead but merely sleeping-
And as they surfaced in her mind, she slowly began weeping
For all the wasted years when she let other peoples hate
Keep her in chains but now she realized it’s not too late.
Though she approaches middle age, her destiny is free
To be the girl she knows that she was always meant to be.
The fears she faces daily will still be there it is true
But now she walks with others who are in the same boat too!
No longer isolated, she walks proudly with her friends,
And knows as she progresses that the journey never ends!
Life is what you make it and the most important part
Is to follow what you know to be the truth inside your heart.
So don’t be like the bears who in the winter hibernate-
Take every opportunity to make the journey great.
Striving to move forward as the years go slowly by
And no regrets for steps untaken-always ALWAYS TRY!
I hope I haven’t wasted not a moment of you time
And that this poem makes you think as even now it rhymes.
There’s only one responsible for living life anew
The person who’s reflected in the mirror-YEP! IT’S YOU!
Thanks for listening to the ramblings of a person trying to find her own way in the world. And I hope you will please reply with your own accomplishments you have made in the last year and your goals for the year to come!
More Articles by The Author
- Sometimes She Screams
- 2018 Esprit-Coming Home
- Overcoming “Our Deepest Fear”
- Unlocking the Keystone
- Esprit 2017 – What Did It Mean To Me?