First and foremost, I want to let all you of wonderful CDH ladies know that you inspire me in so many ways! I read every article on this site. Some of the articles are fun and humorous, others I find challenging and thought provoking. As the title of this article indicates, I’m on a journey to healing and I’d appreciate some help from our fabulous CDH community. Let me start by describing the journey through my healing process in hopes it might help others that visit this site. Then I’ll get to my request for help.
With regard to my healing process, a little about my background may give you some insight into the journey. In some ways, my story is not too different than many of those shared by you wonderful ladies. I was brought up in a good home by loving parents. Also, like many here, I started crossdressing early in puberty, but I didn’t understand what or why I was doing what I did when I put on women’s clothes then, or for many decades to come. The lack of self-awareness was probably a combination of upbringing, denial and naïveté.
My parents instilled religious values in me along with many other values that are considered the hallmark for being a good person. Values such as honesty, loyalty, faithfulness and kindness toward others. It was the religious values, however, that lead me to feel guilt, shame and self-loathing every time I put on an article of women’s clothing.
These values led to a decades long struggle within me. I kept telling myself this was a phase that would pass … when I got married, then when I had children, then when I turned 30, then 40, then 50 and so on. It felt like there was a pitched battle between good and evil for my very soul! After 45 long years, I believed the battle for my soul was lost. I realized I was a crossdresser and there was nothing I could do to change it. At that point it I felt like I had capitulated to evil. It didn’t matter to me what good things I had done with my life; my soul was lost!
A few very difficult and confusing years ensued before I decided to come out to my wife of 30+ years. I did a lot of research on how to have “the conversation”. This was undoubtedly the most difficult conversation of my life. Not much in this world scares me, but the thought of losing my wife or my children is unbearable. This difficult conversation, however, slowly led to my healing process.
My wife suggested I see a therapist, which I have been doing for over 3 years now. When I started therapy, my therapist and I talked a lot about my feelings of guilt, shame and self-loathing. I on the other hand, wanted my therapist to help me figure out what “caused” my crossdressing so we could “fix” it. Did I mention I’m an engineer? My therapist immediately dispelled the notion of a “cure” as well as the need for one. She tried to get me to focus on the fact that what I was doing wasn’t bad and wasn’t hurting anyone. Then, with the guidance of my wife and my therapist, I started to ask questions I could answer. Questions that started me down the path of healing and self-acceptance.
During the first 3 years of therapy, my internal conflict kept manifesting itself and my therapist kept asking me “what harm” is my crossdressing doing? In the conversations my wife and I had on the subject, she kept reminding me that I was fundamentally a good person. So yes ladies, in that regard I am very blessed (I would call mine, a supportive DADT relationship).
Between my therapist and my wife (and I must add, the very insightful women of CDH), I started to gradually move toward self-acceptance of my crossdressing. After years of journaling in an attempt to answer numerous questions forcing the self-examination espoused by Socrates, I began to forgive myself and ultimately to accept this part of me. I want to be clear, my progress was slow and anything but steady. Then the major breakthrough came during a conversation with my wife one evening after a therapy session. I mentioned the decades long battle I believed to be going on for my soul. My wife very thoughtfully replied “make this a prayer to God, not a fight with Satan.” So I did!
That seemingly simple suggestion turned around my internal strife. The change wasn’t instantaneous or immediate and I spent many months praying and contemplating after my wife made her suggestion. Then one day it happened! Out of nowhere and completely unprompted I thanked God for “the gift of crossdressing.”
When I mentioned my spontaneous prayer of thanks to my therapist, she asked me what l thought the gift of crossdressing means to me and why the gift is good. I’ve been pondering that for over a month and I’ve come up with a few things, but I feel the true answer is still eluding me. I believe my gift of crossdressing has given me greater empathy for those less fortunate. It has also helped me to understand the male privilege I have unknowingly benefitted from my entire life. Finally, I feel my crossdressing has helped me look at situations with more compassion and a more open mind in an effort to see all sides of the story.
Are these really the core gift? For example, are these characteristics inherent due to the fact I’m a crossdresser? Could it be they are a result of the wholeness I feel when crossdressing that carries over into the rest of my life allowing me to manifest these traits? Maybe it’s something else entirely.
Now to my request for your help. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to push my religious beliefs on anyone, nor am I suggesting that anyone pray who doesn’t believe in God. The help I seek is the tremendous insight so often displayed at CDH.
I still feel as though I haven’t gotten to the root of what the gift really is. So I am asking you wonderful ladies for your insight once again. Not to tell me what the gift of crossdressing means to me, but what it means to you! I know your wonderful reflections will continue to inspire me and help guide to the answers I seek. Thank you all and I hope this holiday season brings you all the joy you deserve!
With much love, Bobbi
Bobbi, Sorry this got away from me; My formative years were much the same as yours. Loving parents and a religious upbringing. Somewhere around the age of 10, I discovered the female form. After a year of studying all their curves and clothes, I started to dress as I thought they would. Not having any privacy in my house, I could only wear panties. The feeling excited me so much, I soon discovered the orgasm. After that, I was hooked. Through my teens, 20’s, and 30’s, I off and on wore female foundations (bra and/or panty) thinking I was making… Read more »
Hi Marlie,
It does sound like there are similarities in our formative years as well as our family values today! My wife never suspected until I came out to in a somewhat unintentional, intentional way. I am glad to hear you are in therapy. Therapy helped me achieve the self acceptance I have. I did that with the help and support of my wife. My most sincere wish for you is to find your way to inner peace and happiness.
Hugs,
Bobbi
Hi Bobbi. Thank you for not only sharing your inner most thoughts but also for prompting others to contribute their perspective and feelings about seeing our need to crossdress as a gift. My beliefs and values are close to yours and like most of us here struggled for many years with feelings of guilt, shame and confusion yet the needs and desires always returned. After a number of years when life was very difficult for me in a wide range of issues I found that talking to others about my needs to express my feminine side enabled me to see… Read more »
Hi Hun. I note your comments about “a kinder gentler America". I paraphrase of course. In my crossdressing I love to behave like a woman would have 100 years ago – ladylike. Very, very ladylike. Love that. Love well behaved, smart women with self confidence but still have that feminine mystique. I’m not into cranky bitches or ball busting feminists at any time. That said as a man I am very right wing in my beliefs and you would want me on your side in the coming war.
Hi Rachael, Thank you for your reply. It was filled with thoughtfulness and insight. I have used a number of outlets to weather troubling times during my life. Fortunately, none were either self destructive or harmful to others. I had not really thought of crossdressing dressing in this light, but when I look back I believe this helped in ways I didn’t realize at the time. I work in a male dominated field, so unfortunately I understand all too well the way certain people narrowly and stereotypically view the world. I would like to think, like yourself, in my male… Read more »
Bobbi, for me the answer to your question is a sinple one. it allows you to be the person you are.x
Hi Robyn,
Thank you for your reply. I really love your simple, direct view of this gift. There is such elegance in the simplicity!
Hugs,
Bobbi
Well I’m somewhat new to the game but have really gotten into it the last 10 years. Sometimes I look in the mirror to see that fetching look that I attempt to put on. It makes me feel sexy when it works and I start to think “Boy I’d love to walk down the street and get whistled at by the guys". And I would like that. Love that. Other times I just put on my girly ensemble or parts of it like just a bra and forms without looking at myself in the mirror and just feel good. I… Read more »
Hi Brianna,
Thank you for your reply. I am truly happy to hear you so emphatically describe your self acceptance! I speak for myself, but I’ve heard this echoed by others here at CDH, the journey to self acceptance of our crossdressing can be long and difficult. Despite that, as I continue down the path to self acceptance, I’ve found it is an important journey to take. The rewards, as you seem to know, are great.
Hugs,
Bobbi
Bobbi like you I have had many challenging times throughout my life not understanding. Thinking it was a phase and that if I could possibly just put it out of my life by purging everything, that it would go away. It doesn’t. I have been in church and raised my children in a Christian environment even being involved in bus ministry and adult bible studies. I never understood why this feminine desire was in me. In any way I could whether if just wearing women’s under garments or fully dressing and applying makeup. I have had this battle since childhood.… Read more »
Hi Janice, Thank you for that wonderful reply describing your journey and how you have come to be your true self. I am so happy to hear that! What a journey you’ve traveled. I don’t know if I would exhibit the same courage you have in coming out to friends and coworkers. If nothing else, respect for my wife’s wishes will keep me from being more out. The acceptance you’ve found from your neighbors, church community and coworkers is both heartwarming and encouraging. I have always known I’ve been very blessed in my role as husband, father, son and in… Read more »
Hi Bobbie, I cannot believe the timing of this. I’ve been waking up at night the past few nights thinking of having “the talk" with my wife to start the new year in a new way (‘m a few days late!). Your story is VERY similar to mine especially recently with the evil vs. good battle. I’ve been to counselors in the past for mild depression and other issues but barely touched on crossdressing before I stopped going. I’m a church going person as well and it was a big step for me to wear panties to church recently. Just… Read more »
Hi Robinette, Thank you for your reply. I hope my article helped in some way. I’m not sure I’m a spiritual director by any means, but imho you absolutely are the same person no matter what clothes you’ve wearing! For those of us that believe in God, there should be comfort in knowing God created us as imperfect as we may be and that we are loved unconditionally. This has been much easier for me to intellectually understand, than it has been to internalize for the inner peace it will create. My prayers have never really been centered around my… Read more »
Bobbi, Thank you SO MUCH for articulating this so well. You spoke to my soul. I don’t know if I can offer anything to help, since I am new here. I am a divorced retired 65 year old and have had “The Fem Fever" all of my life. Five times within the past two years, I have bought a ton of clothes/lingerie, only to have rising guilt, shame, and fear of what my loved ones would think when looking in my wardrobe after I am gone (crazy, huh?), only to purge, purge, purge. It is tiring. I am really trying… Read more »
The thought of loved ones finding our stash when we’re gone has come to me a few times as well. Not too crazy to think about. Still don’t want the kids to find it though their generation is a lot more accepting about it. They might even say “So what". 🙂
They probably won’t care. I actually printed out a note that is in my lingerie drawer for whoever finds it if anything should happen to me.
That’s a wonderful idea, Carla. I’ve occasionally thought, “What if I were in an accident? What would my wife think, going through my stuff?”
I may begin drafting that letter today.
Hi Carla, Thank you for your reply and welcome to CDH. That you cared enough to reply is a wonderful help no matter how long you’ve been a part of our sisterhood. I know you will find a welcoming, supportive community here and I am happier than you can imagine that my article may have helped you! As you read, I have struggled with guilt and shame due to my crossdressing for decades. It is only recently that I have managed to make significant progress toward self acceptance and it feels great! I also understand your concern over someone finding your stash of femme… Read more »
This was a wonderful article to read. Your wife’s suggestion was so important. Any honest reading of the New Testament reveals that Jesus is Love. While I, too, was raised in a religious house with traditional attitudes and values, it was the unconditional love of two Christian women–my mother and my wife–for me as a crossdresser that brought me healing. I still don’t understand why I have this compulsion, but at least I don’t have the added burden of fearing that God somehow hates it, or me. So glad you’ve gotten to this place too!
Hi Moira,
So well said! Thank you.
Hugs,
Bobbi
Bobbi, I was intrigued by the title of your article, so I started to read and realized that your story is similar to mine and probably many others. I started dressing during puberty and it has always been sexual for me. I was not happy with myself and thought I was a deranged pervert that needed to be fixed. I prayed to God to take these desires away, but they always came roaring back. This went on for many years. I had a wife and 3 great kids. I now have 8 great grandkids. Divorced and remarried. I actually told… Read more »
Hi Deedee, Thank you for your reply. Yes, our stories are similar, like many others here and yet we are all unique in our own way. At the very least, it seems like our prayer was extremely close in nature and therapists offered similar counsel. It was very hard and took a long time for me to understand that this is how God created me. Also like you, the internet gave me a sense of community, particularly here at CDH. Even though I’ve never met a single one of our sisters in person, Ive found the CDH community so caring,… Read more »
Bobbi, thank you for the wonderful article. One of the greatest things about CDH are articles such as yours. It is both thoughtful and thought provoking. I’ll start by saying I avoid the word “religious”. It carries too many prejudicial connotations. Instead I’ll say that I am a Christian, I spend time in the Scriptures most every day and time each day alone with my thoughts to consider the meaning of “Life, the Universe and Everything”. Many times I have asked God to remove the desire to crossdress from me. He hasn’t seen fit to do so, yet. I’ve done… Read more »
Hi Jillian, Thank you for your reply and for the kind words about the article. I understand your awareness of connotation. In my experience, I have known good people that are atheists and bad people that behaved in a very pious manner. The true character of a person is embodied in their treatment of others and not a set of “stated” beliefs. I also appreciate your thoughtful reply regarding what the gift of crossdressing is for you. Especially the gift of humbleness! I have viewed crossdressing as my cross to bear in life too. What a great perspective to let… Read more »