Crossdressing in darkness

It’s been a while since I’ve felt the darkness clawing at my soul, since I’ve struggled against the suffocated night while clutching desperately to the last life in me that silently sets.

This morning I stared into an abyss I had long thought banished from my life as I contemplated ending it all. The crushing weight of who I must free crashed against the loved ones I must hurt. I felt the tear inside myself as pain battled against heartbreak, as my crystal clarity was engulfed in a swirling maelstrom of confusion.

It started innocently with my wife asking me to “be a boy” for a breakfast out we had planned this morning. Within moments clouds had rolled in over my countenance and I could feel a churning deep in my core. I felt sick, dizzy and could not imagine another moment pretending to be a man. In a panicked anxiety I saw all the many days ahead of me that I would need to fill with lies and deception. All the many months still to come that I must hide who I am, and for just a moment felt the only release would be in taking my own life.

The deepest darkness passed soon after, but the threatening thunder clouds still darken my day. I cannot live without hurting those I care about the most. Yet to keep them from harm would mean I could no longer exist. The only way forward is through the valley. I may lose all I have – my friends, my family, my livelihood and my possession, yet the alternative is to lose all I could ever have. To forfeit any hope and promise for the future. I hear Jesus’ words echo within me, “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?” (Luke 9:25)

Goodbye, Darkness, My Old Friend,
You know that’s not the way I’ll end.

P.S. For those of you who are seriously contemplating suicide I strongly encourage you to read an article I wrote about transgender suicide, and to get professional help as soon as possible. Before you do anything, call the folks at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – their number is 1-800-273-8255.

I’ve stood many a time before the chasm with my eyes closed ready to jump. And just as often I’ve found joy and promise in my life at having stepped away. As I quoted a song when recalling Esprit 2010:

En Femme Style

You don’t know how tall you stand until you fall,
That’s what valleys are for.

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I’m passionate about creating a safe space for everyone in the transgender community to find laughter and friendship on their journey. I completed my physical transition in 2011 and through it I lost everything, and gained everything. I am blessed that I was forced to gaze inward and embark on the journey to discover and live my authentic self. My deepest wish is that all who wander here may find peace, happiness and freedom.

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rogina garter
rogina garter
13 years ago

It sure seems to me from the various forums that I am on that many of us get frustrated often.We want the space to be who we want to be,yet there is the guilt conflict of others counting on us to be the person that they thought we were. Even for many that were out as TG prior to any relationship,everyone's partner takes the seriousness of our"mental condition" differently. Many partners are supportive but are hoping that it goes away like a passing hobby,eventually.They only see the "more useful man" in us. I feel for you. Hugs,Rogina

13 years ago

Hi Vanessa, I feel your pain as many of us do. It took me about 60 years to finally understand myself, thanks especially to Dr Cerise Richard’s seminar in Fall of ’09. I am now amazingly able to understand myself as transgender, to understand so much about the past that I did not understand, and accept myself and be comfortable in both gender presentations. As I wrote before, take baby steps, a day at a time, listen, learn, look for God’s guidance when it’s there and try not to get ahead of yourself. Love you, JamieGhee

Carol Ann
Carol Ann
13 years ago

Everyone has a lot of hurt, and as a woman, your supersensative. Realise this and save yourself a lot of grief. A lot of hurt is simply in your head. You can hurt yourself out of insecurity or niavety more than anyone can hurt with words. Thats part of life. Face it, its a tough world, but keep on track and no one will really hurt you, as your heart is strong as spring steel. Walk on among the people with pride, as you are you, and nobody else. Your their equal, and more. God bless you all. carol Ann

Lady Veronica Graunwolf
Lady Veronica Graunwolf
6 years ago

Vanessa….hi…Lady Veronica Graunwolf here. I have just read some of your stories…..very thought provoking and disturbing to me at the same time. I too walked thru the valley of death a few times more than many. Dying boys in my arms….sending some to the promised land..too busted up to live. Nights spent crying and shaking, looking at my pistol, tasting same yet thinking of the my boys who were still alive and dragging myself out to face them and the enemy another day and another day and another day! They called it “shell shock" but to-day they call it PTSD….call… Read more »

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