Crossdressing in darkness

It’s been a while since I’ve felt the darkness clawing at my soul, since I’ve struggled against the suffocated night while clutching desperately to the last life in me that silently sets.

This morning I stared into an abyss I had long thought banished from my life as I contemplated ending it all. The crushing weight of who I must free crashed against the loved ones I must hurt. I felt the tear inside myself as pain battled against heartbreak, as my crystal clarity was engulfed in a swirling maelstrom of confusion.

It started innocently with my wife asking me to “be a boy” for a breakfast out we had planned this morning. Within moments clouds had rolled in over my countenance and I could feel a churning deep in my core. I felt sick, dizzy and could not imagine another moment pretending to be a man. In a panicked anxiety I saw all the many days ahead of me that I would need to fill with lies and deception. All the many months still to come that I must hide who I am, and for just a moment felt the only release would be in taking my own life.

The deepest darkness passed soon after, but the threatening thunder clouds still darken my day. I cannot live without hurting those I care about the most. Yet to keep them from harm would mean I could no longer exist. The only way forward is through the valley. I may lose all I have – my friends, my family, my livelihood and my possession, yet the alternative is to lose all I could ever have. To forfeit any hope and promise for the future. I hear Jesus’ words echo within me, “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?” (Luke 9:25)

Goodbye, Darkness, My Old Friend,
You know that’s not the way I’ll end.

P.S. For those of you who are seriously contemplating suicide I strongly encourage you to read an article I wrote about transgender suicide, and to get professional help as soon as possible. Before you do anything, call the folks at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – their number is 1-800-273-8255.

I’ve stood many a time before the chasm with my eyes closed ready to jump. And just as often I’ve found joy and promise in my life at having stepped away. As I quoted a song when recalling Esprit 2010:

You don’t know how tall you stand until you fall,
That’s what valleys are for.

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Lynn Jones

Hi, Sorry to hear you had a brush with such unhappy feelings. I think there are times when it can hit you like a hammer. Everything seems to halt and all you can do is stare into the darkness, maybe try and ride it out. There are various triggers, but I think the fear that you'd have to put all tranny behaviour aside and limit yourself to one gender… well, I find that idea just wrong. Funny, years ago there were times when I'd wanted to give up. Now? The idea of never being all of me, is quite scary.… Read more »

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Carolyn_Ann

Hang in there. 🙂 — DAMN IT!!! I wrote an entire response. IntenseDebate didn't see fit to keep it when it demanded I login to their stupid service. — Deep breath. Try again. At the very strong risk of coming across as trite, or even blithe: no one ever promised life would be easy. I try to remember that tomorrow is another day, yesterday was easy and today has a few challenges. I've looked at that abyss a few times, myself. It's an evil, diabolically evil, mirror. It will never help you, as it only helps itself. It amplifies those… Read more »

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Jessica Sideways

Oi, I know how that is when you write a beautiful comment and it gets nuked. So sad.

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Michelle

Vanessa, I can't say I know how you feel completly. I have not faced that awfull abyss. But I have thought alot about my own journey and where it may lead me. It is a difficult process. But as Carylon_ann said you cant live in yesterday. Yesterday is not today which leads us to tomorrow. We have to think about today so we have a future. I had the pleasure of meeting a very insightful preacher. One thing he said is that we need to be encouragers. Finding your website as been a blessing to me. I have learned alot… Read more »

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Stace

Hey Vanessa,

Glad today has got better for you. I've been battling the the darkness recently as well – it had gone well for a couple of weeks and just when I thought I was past it came back with a bit of a vengence totally out of the blue.

Hang in there,
Stace

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carol

Loosen up dear. Your wife is your closest and most intimate contact on earth. Imagine if it were the other way around. If you love here, you wouldnt hesitate for a moment ,ot even a split second to support her right now. There might come a day you regret not giving such a little gift as that. Ive until october until Carol is permanent. Anything, anything my spouse needs from me she gets. Her support is priceless. Remember your wife didnt marry a woman. The woman just kind of came along. Likely everything will be fine. I wish you all… Read more »

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Elizabeth

Vanessa, I read once, "The art of Zen is not to think about God while peeling the potatoes. The art of Zen is just to peel the potatoes." What that says to me is, be in the moment. Don't dwell on the past, and don't fret about the future. Whenever I find myself staring into that abyss, seeing the long lonely future stretching out before me, with no hope of realizing my wants and needs, I tell myself, "just peel the potatoes." There is an ancient Middle Eastern saying, that is in essence that same thing: "This too, shall pass."… Read more »

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Jessica Sideways

I guess I'm lucky in that respect, I never had anyone to lose before.

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Stephenie

If they love you they will accept you. If they do not love you then they will not. So losing those that do not accept you means you are losing nothing. Might be harsh but it is only my opinion so take it for what it is worth to you. Though I do hope it helps.

Stephenie 🙂

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Robyn

Venessa, I just read this and I know your time has passed of the anguish, and all you can see the abyss gaping wide. Before my wife of 28 years passed I was in the purge and toss mode, she would be at work , i would dress, before she came home, it would go to good will. Until I said one time, Stop, Stop it. So i started placing my "clothes in closets she never went into… Then one day as I stood there dressed I got a call. You wife has fallen and she was taken to the… Read more »

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Terri

Hello,

I am still have the idea that there is no hope, for I haven't seen any help from anyone.

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