Here’s the Thing…
I don’t come with an on/off switch. How convenient would that be? To be able to shut off my feelings and close down my brain when I need to be me. Right… which me are we discussing again? That is always going to be the issue. I was standing next to one of my golfing buddies the other day and I noticed how soft his lips looked. Kissable lips, I thought. What? I gruffly swore under my breath and tried puffing out my chest as I took an extra hard swing at the ball. I’ve had many such happenings throughout my life; those moments when my brain has a mind of its own…
I had the brief pleasure recently to communicate with a member’s SO and being privy to some of her thoughts. She made me think; I hope I caused her to do so as well. It’s much more than Heart or Mind, male or female, even whether one is gay or straight. It is simply indoctrination. I am a product of my rational thoughts, my emotions, and my environment. My DNA has much to say about my traits, and the older I become, the more my life experiences dictate what might be.
Let me explain…
Imagine a scenario where we are basically raised in a vacuum. No outside influences whatsoever. Everything is vanilla plain. Expanding it to include six boys and six girls growing up together, wearing the same outfits, same hair, sleeping in the same beds, eating the same foods, and being subjected to the same stimuli. The caretakers also are purposely androgynous, looking the same and indistinguishable between male or female. They live this way until age 11 as the onset of puberty begins. They are escorted into the “Room” one by one. In this room are magnificent clothes, fabrics, shoes, accessories, magazines, scents, colors, foods, toys, books, art, a menagerie of what the world is. They live in this room for a month and then walk out as them.
Yeah…bliss! Isn’t this what we struggle with? The impossibilities that others have burdened us with. “NO! you can’t wear that; you can’t do that!” I simply ask, “Why not?” It isn’t about being male or female, but about being human, which is a collective of individuals and not genetic clones. It’s our presence and our essence that makes us unique. It is also what draws us to others and they to us.
I fight every day to break out of the stigmatism of being who and what I am. I like dresses and nylons, long hair, and nails, I like to camp and fish, golf, and read, and watch all genres of movies. I hate chauvinism and pettiness. I dislike labels and politics. I would live authentically me if I could. And I can’t… or truthfully…won’t. Because… I am part coward, part selfish, and part a pragmatic realist. I don’t want to endure the fight…not while I still have a father to take care of. He is my last excuse. I will admit that if I were 20 years younger and felt the way I do now, I would be more forthcoming, especially in the reality of these times. Let me be 20 again, and my life would be shaped much differently than the path I followed. That’s all good and well, but it doesn’t solve me. The me that must find a balance between their lies and their truth.
We can speculate and debate until the sun comes up, but it still comes down to survival. How to walk in this world without the fear of physical and mental anguish. Isn’t that what keeps many of us buried so deep in the closet, the lights off, and the cracks stuffed with towels as we huddle against the abundance of anxiety at being found out to be something that others won’t allow us to be?
Brina is more of me with every passing day. Not just in the crossdressing sense, but in her mannerisms and reflections. The clothing, wigs, jewelry, perfume, etc. help ease my anxieties and allow me to put on the male costume and survive the day, but she is ever-present in my thoughts…kissable lips… I no longer think in male or female. I have trouble discerning what is the right way to sit, speak, walk…think. I wonder what I would have chosen had I been the experiment; would I have walked out in a dress carrying a fishing pole?
I wonder what the world would be like if tolerance wasn’t something we prayed for and wished for and just was. I can’t put myself perfectly in anyone else’s shoes, nor can they wear mine. What is happening today is but a taste of what is coming…it will get worse. Whether I like to wear a dress may not matter as much as if I will accept the label that comes with it. And that is a shame.
A baby boy and his sister; without color or style specific clothes which one is the boy? The girl? The elderly couple in their later years. when prejudices have fallen away, wear the same comfortable clothes and look more alike than not. The expectations of meeting societal norms no longer matter. Life and living should be about love and compassion, kindness and exploration, and not judgment and indictment.
My gift to you is a moment of imagination. Strip away all the expectations and walk into the “Room.” When you walk out, who would you see in the mirror? I ask because sometimes we feel the need to be either-or. If I like this, then I have to forgo that. Why? Wear you, be you, discover you.
May love carry you through.
Be safe, be reflective, and be passionate.
Until next time,
Brina
Lovely article! It is thought provoking, touching, as well as interesting. The world is such a confusing place to navigate. There are so many labels and opinions these days. It seems so simple to just be people that love other people…and yet it is so complex and difficult.
Nicely put! Thanks for your comments 🙂
I love you, sister-manager.
Awe… thank you! 🙂
Brina, loved your article. Don’t sell yourself short, you can still come out as far as you want/need to and transition as far as you want/need to. Like iv’e told you before, I am 67 and close to ‘socially transition’ I have come all this way in just over 3 years and in a month I plan to come out to my HS graduating class. Most days I am dressed 100% of the time in my own home, even when my 15 yo granddaughter comes. Am also going out dressed more and more around town, avoiding right now larger groups… Read more »
Thanks, Cassie! 🙂 Only time will tell how far I step from the warmth and safety of the closet.
Hi Brina, I know how hard it is, I lived in that closet, and with a myriad of thoughts constantly swirling in my brain, for years!. Every thing remotely feminine would trigger my desire to become the person I knew I was. It took a crisis, requiring open heart surgery, to bring me to a final point where I realized I had no choice but to answer the siren call. I had always hidden my feminine nature and now it could no longer be constrained, it was time to ‘come out’. You will know when the siren call comes, because… Read more »
I think she calls a lot already. I’ve hung up on her a few times and she didn’t like it. I’m with you, just coasting along at the moment. It’s taken me far too long to even find the peace I have today. I’ll get there, wherever there is! 🙂
Hi again, Brina. For me it was after reading the adventures of others here at CDH, I was so jealous, I wanted to be out there as the woman I wanted to be. So I made an appointment to have my hair colored and told them I was a crossdresser. Before I walked into the Ulta store I felt this huge painful knot in my belly and nearly chickened out. Because I made the appointment I went in and had a wonderful time.
Hope you can find something to bring out Brina.
. Cassie
Very thought provoking. And I already think too much!
Thank you, Gwyneth 🙂
Your article is so close to the truth, so much that it is the truth. I don’t live as a female 24/7, not because I couldn’t, but because like you, I am something of a coward and don’t want to go through the difficulties and the inevitable loss of some friends and family a transition to being Amy full time would entail. However the biggest thing stopping me, is my wife. She has been my best friend, confident and lover for nearly 40 years and I cannot ever abandon her like that. Last week I was out with some friends… Read more »
Thank you, Amy, for sharing! Oh, how I wanted to sneak into that girl’s bathroom in HS; to listen and observe… It is so much more than what I want as there are others to consider, too 🙂
Wonderful article, as always, Bri! After having come out to my wife about 2 months ago (something I NEVER thought I could do), we’ve had really interesting conversations where she’s accepting, but not totally on board and some other conversations where she’s not accepting, but kind of understands that I am ‘this’. I’ve been working through these feelings of gender fluidity/transgender for about 18 months now (I had buried them for years). She’s only had 2, so, I get that she couldn’t possibly have processed everything yet. I’m still giving her wide berths of space and I don’t bring it… Read more »
Thank you for sharing your insight and story. Hopefully, someday I’ll get the chance to share (me) with another. I’ll be upfront and leave that closet door wide open…might have to organize it, though, kind of messy… 🙂
Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone in our lives could just allow us to be ourselves? It seems everyone wants to hang on to the me that they have seen me as and just cant let that person go. Its as though I’m taking someone away from them.
Truth is, its all the same person.
That is absolutely spot on! Well said! 🙂
Dear Roberta, I totatly understand what your saying here because we’re the same way we’ve always have been and how we were born .
Dear Brina, A wonderful article where you share your inner deepest thoughts with us once again. I am am sure that this will be of value to many here who struggle with their own inner turmoil. I wonder just how your father would react if you were able to be totally honest with him, and yourself, by discussing this with him. We often make up an answer that we imagine we would get from another, only later to discover that it would not have been a problem. Hindisght if a wonderful thing, but no where near as the feeling of… Read more »
I keep moving that way, every day. That’s the best I can do and is something that acceptance has helped me to see. It might go well with my father…and it might not. At age 94, I can live with my choice to be there for him.I still have many ways to continue to grow into the person I will eventually be.
Thanks for the comments, Sophie!
What a wonderfully thought provoking article Brina, extremely well written and thought out. I absolutely loved it. I was fortunate to pass easily in my younger years although the emotions you’ve expressed were always with me. I think, at the end of the day, us girls are a way to hard on ourselves. The nice thing about now being a ‘mature’ CD is I’m less concerned about what people think. When your younger you walk into a room and think “what do these people think of me?". But as we age we walk into the same room and think “what… Read more »
Thank you as well for your insights. I agree age does make things easier, but for those who are younger, I want them to know that it’s okay to be who they are and to find their (personal) path they can follow. I was never one for caring much about what others thought of me. That I can handle fairly well, it’s the strife that I might put on those I care for that bothers me the most. Age now makes that less as well!