Here’s the Thing…
I don’t come with an on/off switch. How convenient would that be? To be able to shut off my feelings and close down my brain when I need to be me. Right… which me are we discussing again? That is always going to be the issue. I was standing next to one of my golfing buddies the other day and I noticed how soft his lips looked. Kissable lips, I thought. What? I gruffly swore under my breath and tried puffing out my chest as I took an extra hard swing at the ball. I’ve had many such happenings throughout my life; those moments when my brain has a mind of its own…
I had the brief pleasure recently to communicate with a member’s SO and being privy to some of her thoughts. She made me think; I hope I caused her to do so as well. It’s much more than Heart or Mind, male or female, even whether one is gay or straight. It is simply indoctrination. I am a product of my rational thoughts, my emotions, and my environment. My DNA has much to say about my traits, and the older I become, the more my life experiences dictate what might be.
Let me explain…
Imagine a scenario where we are basically raised in a vacuum. No outside influences whatsoever. Everything is vanilla plain. Expanding it to include six boys and six girls growing up together, wearing the same outfits, same hair, sleeping in the same beds, eating the same foods, and being subjected to the same stimuli. The caretakers also are purposely androgynous, looking the same and indistinguishable between male or female. They live this way until age 11 as the onset of puberty begins. They are escorted into the “Room” one by one. In this room are magnificent clothes, fabrics, shoes, accessories, magazines, scents, colors, foods, toys, books, art, a menagerie of what the world is. They live in this room for a month and then walk out as them.
Yeah…bliss! Isn’t this what we struggle with? The impossibilities that others have burdened us with. “NO! you can’t wear that; you can’t do that!” I simply ask, “Why not?” It isn’t about being male or female, but about being human, which is a collective of individuals and not genetic clones. It’s our presence and our essence that makes us unique. It is also what draws us to others and they to us.
I fight every day to break out of the stigmatism of being who and what I am. I like dresses and nylons, long hair, and nails, I like to camp and fish, golf, and read, and watch all genres of movies. I hate chauvinism and pettiness. I dislike labels and politics. I would live authentically me if I could. And I can’t… or truthfully…won’t. Because… I am part coward, part selfish, and part a pragmatic realist. I don’t want to endure the fight…not while I still have a father to take care of. He is my last excuse. I will admit that if I were 20 years younger and felt the way I do now, I would be more forthcoming, especially in the reality of these times. Let me be 20 again, and my life would be shaped much differently than the path I followed. That’s all good and well, but it doesn’t solve me. The me that must find a balance between their lies and their truth.
We can speculate and debate until the sun comes up, but it still comes down to survival. How to walk in this world without the fear of physical and mental anguish. Isn’t that what keeps many of us buried so deep in the closet, the lights off, and the cracks stuffed with towels as we huddle against the abundance of anxiety at being found out to be something that others won’t allow us to be?
Brina is more of me with every passing day. Not just in the crossdressing sense, but in her mannerisms and reflections. The clothing, wigs, jewelry, perfume, etc. help ease my anxieties and allow me to put on the male costume and survive the day, but she is ever-present in my thoughts…kissable lips… I no longer think in male or female. I have trouble discerning what is the right way to sit, speak, walk…think. I wonder what I would have chosen had I been the experiment; would I have walked out in a dress carrying a fishing pole?
I wonder what the world would be like if tolerance wasn’t something we prayed for and wished for and just was. I can’t put myself perfectly in anyone else’s shoes, nor can they wear mine. What is happening today is but a taste of what is coming…it will get worse. Whether I like to wear a dress may not matter as much as if I will accept the label that comes with it. And that is a shame.
A baby boy and his sister; without color or style specific clothes which one is the boy? The girl? The elderly couple in their later years. when prejudices have fallen away, wear the same comfortable clothes and look more alike than not. The expectations of meeting societal norms no longer matter. Life and living should be about love and compassion, kindness and exploration, and not judgment and indictment.
My gift to you is a moment of imagination. Strip away all the expectations and walk into the “Room.” When you walk out, who would you see in the mirror? I ask because sometimes we feel the need to be either-or. If I like this, then I have to forgo that. Why? Wear you, be you, discover you.
May love carry you through.
Be safe, be reflective, and be passionate.
Until next time,
Brina
At first when I was not sure about taking this path I wished for a on off button but alas I would of been lying to myself and thats something I can never do. As I like be my true self and it suits me better to be a woman x
Thanks for commenting, Krissy! I know what you mean. I’ve been through all the ways to stop and be normal…until I figured out that normal is being happy with who I am and not with pleasing or living as others wish. There are still boundaries that I respect, but even those are movable.
I have a couple of different comments to your article. In the “room", the clothing, hair, and accessories may be unisex. But I believe that the boys and girls would still show signs of stereotypical male/female behavior and interests. It was not too long ago when both young boys and girls would be wearing dresses until the boys were breeched (dressed in breeches or pants). It’s not quite like your room because adult men were not wearing wearing dresses. But because it became common practice, it wasn’t thought of as odd. As you, I like wearing skirts or dresses, or wearing nail polish. But… Read more »
Great insights! So much of our path is determined by the observation of others. It is also driven by how we are interacted with. Many of us share stories of how their mothers would have them wear a dress (wanting that little girl). Did that shape us? The notion of the “Room" is about letting our natural traits develop. I’ve always enjoyed other women more as my friends (not all, only those who shared similar thoughts) than I did with boys/ men. That’s still true today. Given the chance and without prejudice or indoctrination who would I have become? I’m… Read more »
Life can be strange–(Esp when your told you live in a Free Country ) but are told How your allowed to dress/act– I remember having these thoughts from a very young age–Early grade school–
Hi Brina, Scarlett here and I really enjoyed reading what I would classify as a “Deep Thinker". One sentence talked about you going back 20 years and what you would be like and think like. I often wonder if I could go back to being 27 instead of my current 67 and think about how much prettier I possibly could have been if I had started my full up Scarlett cross dressing at that young age rather than at age 55! And how there was no place to go back in the 1970s where cross dressers could go and feel… Read more »
Thanks, Scarlett! I agree that it’s scary out there no matter what clothes you have on…
You are right and the moral decline the left has pushed is mostly to blame.They have everyone getting a prize whether or not they even entered the race. Lets take down the ten commandments from the walls of our public buildings and schools in fear of someone reading them. outlaw prayer and the pledge of alegance because it might offend someone. Sorry Ill stop now
Debbie, I’m on your team and wish you would have went on for pages and pages!
XOXOXO Scarlett
oh I could It would be nice to chat some time. Thanks for the reply.
Brina, Thank you for sharing your very well written article. It was thought provoking and insightful, touching upon some of my own thoughts, fears, and feelings. I recently confided to another member here, that in all likelihood, I’ll never step outside as Jill, simply because I’m not prepared for the backlash of shock and disapproval I’ll receive from my family. My dad and my son are of my utmost concern. My dad, because we’ve always been very close and I don’t want to upset him now as he’s in his late 70’s and I fear he hasn’t more than five… Read more »
There is a lot in there that I could comment on, but I only want to highlight the most important that I took from what you said. “I believe these are fluid and dynamic feelings that will always be so, therefore, I’m afraid I’ll never really know. The best I can do is try to be a good person, regardless of all the rest." That has become my philosophy over the last 10 years as I’ve accepted, acknowledged, and embraced the feminine side of me that I once tried to irradicate. Having the urges or desires to dress doesn’t make… Read more »
Hi Sabrina ,
Thanks !!!
I so agree Brina. The status quo seems to be the biggest enemy of our decision-making process. So many girls aren’t happy because of unacceptance.
Thank you so much for this and believe it or not I feel all narrow-minded individuals should read this gem. Huggs Tia
Thanks, Tia! Like most things in our lives, we must find the moral value between doing what is right for us and the sacrifices required by not just us but those who we love and love us. There is never a one-shoe fit, and we should also not have to live in agony either.
Really enjoyed your article. I can relate to it in so many ways. As I grow older, I have found that being true to myself is more important than being someone I am not.
As always, a work in progress
Jo-ann
Thank you for commenting. Funny how getting older makes us wiser 😉
Love this article ; I don’t believe I’ll ever be normal or want to be normal .
<3 ɛƖąıŋɛ ą
Thank you! Normal is who you are regardless of others’ opinions (within the scope of decency– you get my meaning as Child molesters, murderers, etc should never be considered “normal.")
HI Brina. Life and style is fluid. I remember when the Beatles landed and their hairstyle was a fad to the young but a negative to the adult if you wore your hair in that style. Shunned from employment and other places. Remember the outrage over Elvis’s hip movements and tv not showing him from the waist down. The rock music that was devils music and evil. I lived all that and today it isn’t even thought. Shock has always been the way of change. Remember the shock of the bikini swim suit. The shock of mini skirts. Remember my… Read more »
So very well said! Thank you for the insightful comments 🙂