“Hooked on a Feeling.”
I can’t stop this feelin’
Deep inside of me
Girl, you just don’t realize
What you do to me
I got it bad for you, girl
But I don’t need a cure
I’ll just stay addicted
And hope I can endure
Saweetie “Fast (Motion)” Official Lyrics & Meaning | Verified
I’m hooked on a feelin’
High on believin’
That you’re in love with me
Key the intro…I know that many of you are singing along…
Feelings, those things that men supposedly don’t have, and women wish we did until we do, and then many of us have been scolded for them. This love that I have for femininity is like an addiction, a drug that I can’t get enough of. I can spend hours on eBay or Amazon browsing wigs, dresses, shoes, jewelry…and buying 30 times more than I need and could ever wear…at home…not even out in the real world. My feminine wardrobe far exceeds that of my male’s.
Why? I’m hooked on a feelin’ Deep inside of me. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t go out in public (I could go into all the reasons, but I’m going to let that just sit for another day) and I feel this intense need to placate my inner-woman. How many shoes are too many? If I counted all the purges in my life…my God, the money that I’ve spent to support my addiction… But is it an addiction? Or is it a need? Or is it simply just an out-of-control want.
I have examined this from every angle conceivable and have come to the conclusion that I don’t know. I feel I’m more than a crossdresser and I’m probably standing thigh-deep in the transgender pool, but I still don’t have a suitable answer. I’ve promised myself multiple times that I’m going to talk it out with a professional, and I haven’t…always a good (in my mind) excuse not to. I’ve never been a member of procrastinators anonymous, but in this one area, I could be their president.
I’m high on believin’ that the answer will someday just present itself and I won’t have to make a decision—it will be made or forced upon me. That’s not a great way to live! I’ve endured anxieties because of this issue my entire life. Could I be happier if I just found out and made a plan to deal with it? Maybe. Who’s to say that it wouldn’t be worse. Me of course. I am my own worst enemy and maybe that’s why I buy all the things I do. It’s like buying flowers for your significant other when you know that you’ve been impossible to live with and you need to make amends.
I don’t need any more clothes or shoes, but I want them and even though I can say no for a period of time, my willpower will always falter, sometimes in a flurry of purchases. I do my best these days to make peace within myself. It isn’t going to last as I feel the water rising, and eventually I’m going to have to swim or get out of the pool.
Do I have a point in here? Kind of… We are harder on ourselves than we should be. Being who we are is the toughest thing I can think of to go through. Thankfully, we don’t have to do it alone, and some of us even have support from our families as we try to work through this. There is always support here at CDH, and for that blessing, I am extremely grateful. Buy the dress or the shoes if you want. Dream of what might be and do what you can to live in the moment. The road ahead may take a sharp turn—for better or worse, but not if you don’t put the heels on and sashay on down the road. Standing still isn’t an option.
Girl, you don’t realize what you do to me…
Until next time…
Be safe, be content, and always be kind, especially to yourself…