How big is your closet?

This weekend was a cornucopia of transgender bliss. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday as Vanessa, wore a cute green dress I bought a few weeks back and finally figured out how to use the Nubra to create cleavage (a future article for sure).

It’s Sunday morning as I’m writing this. After spending most of Saturday reading in the park I’m now fully dressed and sitting at home in front of my computer with an itch to go somewhere. I feel, quite literally, all dressed up with nowhere to go.

I’d like to go somewhere, but feel as though anywhere I go will only be to share Vanessa with the world. I had thought about going to church. It’s too late in the day now, and I’m not sure I could go without causing a stir anyway. I’ll need to ponder this one for a while – I would like to make church as Vanessa a regular occurrence (come as you are…).

Shopping came to mind – it’ always seems to. I know I’ve spent too much money the last few weeks (I bought two great workout pants from Lucy, replenished my makeup supply and did electrolysis every week last month), and know that I wouldn’t be able to go to the store without buying something. Staying away from shopping centers is probably best for my budget.

So as much as I would like to go out today, I feel as though I’m stuck in my crossdresser closet. *sigh* Since I’m here I might as well make the best of it.

How Big Is Your Crossdresser Closet?

My comfort with crossdressing in public seems to wax and wane. When I first started out, just getting dressed in the privacy of my own apartment was a break through. Complete with breastforms, makeup and the necessary jewelry to accent my look I felt liberated.

Eventually I found the courage to join a crossdressing club, and once a month I would spend an evening dressed with other crossdressers. I felt as though I had finally come out the crossdressing closet. Looking back I realize that I had merely found a larger closet, but I can’t deny how fulfilling the experience was, and how edifying the experience is for others.

When I was most comfortable crossdressing in public I would regularly go to trans-friendly clubs, and occasionally go out as Vanessa during the day. Even then, I always had to dig deep to find the courage. Before I would go out a hundred reasons would go through my head as to why I should stay home.

Today I’m comfortable presenting as a more feminine man in public, whether it’s wearing subtle makeup, nail polish or feminine cut jeans and shirts. I’m a bit uncomfortable going out fully dressed as Vanessa, though I’ll do it occasionally. Every time I go out I have a wonderful time, and return home wondering why I ever had second thoughts.

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12 Comments
  1. Meg 10 years ago

    I voted “I go out wherever and whenever” but my actual trips are limited. I only have the opportunity to dress a few times a year, but I worked my way to going out most times.

    First few were with the assistance of a makeup artist who also went out with me afterwards. The last few were solo, or with an understanding friend, and FUN.

  2. rogina garter 10 years ago

    I also voted that i dress and go out anywhere..however,i work for myself repairing boats and transformations aren’t so quick and easy to girl mode.

  3. Elizabeth 10 years ago

    I love this idea of “how big is your closet”. It seems to capture the essence of what each of us have as our individual challenges. In reference strictly to cross dressing, I find going out is not so difficult. Interacting with others is a where it gets difficult. Its at that point you get to decide how you will extend yourself beyond the physical presentation. You get to find out how committed you are to being feminine or just how confident you are as a cross dresser. You can’t buy that kind of fun…

    • Vanessa Law 10 years ago

      Thanks Elizabeth, you’ve got it – individual challenge is how I intended it to come across. There is no ‘right sized closet’, only ‘right sized for me’. If you take it to extremes, well, the transsexual who claims they are now a woman and denies their transsexuality is in a closet of a different kind.

      Interacting with other’s is tough. I’ve been working on my voice and mannerisms, but am still not 100% confident interacting with others. I’m working on it 🙂 And you’re so right – you can’t buy that kind of fun!

      Rogina – I hear what you’re saying, it took me almost an hour to get ready the other day. Phew. My daily makeup takes five minutes, but add breast forms and eye shadow and … it starts to add up quickly.

      Meg – What a great way to start. You know that you’re looking your best, so one less worry!

  4. Vicki 10 years ago

    First off, let me say, good for you Vanessa. I’ll assume that the park experience was positive and all. Since I happen to live in the same city as you do, I’m betting that if you were ‘read”, reactions were muted. It was your experience with the Sunday morning dilemma of whether you should go to church or not arose that really struck a chord with me. I’ve been struggling with that same thing for about the past six months. I’ve been feeling that if I so strongly believe that God’s hand was in the way I was created, I may owe it to Him to experience Worship of Him in a formal church setting, as Vicki. And it’s not like there are not places to go at my end of town. Within my own Lutheran tradition and in my very neighborhood there is a congregation that advertises itself as a Reconciling Church. What that means is that they’ve been through the debate, they’ve had the discussions, and, as a church family, they’ve decided to not only open their doors widely to any and all in the LGBTG community, they encourage participation from us by making it known. Plus it is a church that is from my Lutheran tradition and would offer an alternative to my “drab” church home.
    That ought to settle it right? Well…. I struggle with so many reasons not to, always putting the ball in “their” court. The big one is , well they say TG but what is their definition of TG. I labor under the idea that to “them” a TG person is someone in transition, be it MtF or FtM, not a guy that likes to put on a dress on Sundays. Almost the “ you’re not legitimate because your problem is more fetishistic than genetic” line of thinking. So I stay away because I doubt my own claim on the way God made me. Silly I know.
    I also labor under the illusion of, well the majority won, but those little old blue haired ladies are not going to be happy when they see me despite what the majority says. I know, I know, the only way to get the blue hairs to come around and all that. Still, my mother reared me to be considerate of others, sometimes to a fault. Of course the thought of traipsing in across that big parking lot, getting past the ushers, getting back out all play into it too. I know that I will get there one day, it is my goal and I believe it to be right and at heart I know that this particular congregation will accept me as I am. It’s not them so much as it is me. What do you say Vanessa, we live in the same city, should we do this together? 
    One last thing, I belong to the same club as Vanessa, and I know how it feels to even attend the monthly meeting. I always come out of it more affirmed in who I am as a cross-dresser and as a person. I find it so easy to engage with the other girls and rarely feel self conscious walking to or from the meeting place, even in the light of Daylight Savings time. So it is in sisterhood that so much of my advancement in confidence grows. So what do you say V, you and me and Maple Leaf LC? One piece of advice given to me by one of the other members of the group ran along the lines of if I was serious about advancing the cause of the CD world as I say I am, I needed to be out there in a positive way, educating by being me. The fact that I’m 6’, athletically built has no bearing on the issue if I mean what I say. I keep those words close to my heart always when I consider my little steps and big. I hope to one day make her proud of my forays into the world. Being out isn’t for everyone and no one respects that more than I do. But to someone like me who believes that my mission is to be out there, not for the visceral thrill, but for important affirming reasons, to read of others experiences and struggles is always valued and valuable. Thanks for keeping this place going Vanessa, and we are going to church together real soon.

    • Vanessa Law 10 years ago

      Vicki, well said hon. I’ve started emailing some church’s I’m interested in to ask them if they accept transgender woman. I have in the back of my mind that I’m not ‘legitimate’ somehow if I’m not planning to go all the way. I know that it’s somewhat ridiculous because apart from a dose of hormones, and a few months movement/voice practice, I’m where I would be if I was transitioning.

      I see you’ve emailed me already about going to church together – I’m game! Nothing like clinging to (or being dragged by) someone else to inspire confidence 😉 Being together, at least, we wouldn’t have to wonder whether we’re outed, since not too many 6′ woman travel in pairs.

    • Ragina 10 years ago

      Hi Vicki, just a short comment about going to church dressed. I am Episcopalian and as you know, we are somewhat liberal in some ways as far as the LGBTG community is concerned. Although I haven’t gone to my church en femme as yet, I always have on panties and when the weather permits, pantyhose( I live in the Southeast, summers are definatly not for pantyhose). I believe that the church is accepting of all transgender people. God has made us all as unique and wonderful people, however, the older folks just don’t quite get that part of ” love thy neighbor as thyself “. My ultimate dream would be for all people to accept and understand all different points of view and lifestyles. Maybe then we can be ourselves and love OURSELVES as we are.

  5. Meg 10 years ago

    Re: church.

    My synagogue had a gay rabbi for a number of years, and he even had his wedding in our sanctuary. They sponsor a booth at the DC pride parade. They say they’re LGBT friendly, and I’m often tempted to try them out on the “T”, but with family and many customers attending, I think that day will be in the future. Too bad. I’m not getting any younger.

  6. Qamar Saeed Ul Zaman Bhatti 9 years ago

    It is a good and meaningful sight. I like him very much as I have learnt so many valuable things. Thanks for giving valuable informations.

  7. Emily 5 years ago

    i would go out, but I feel like I should look more feminine before I do. I am never clean shaven plus boners are uncomfortable in womans clothes.

  8. Jasmine61 3 years ago

    Very nice advice. Am wearing matching bra and panties as I write but think my bra is too small. Help!

  9. Lisa James 1 year ago

    Hi everybody,
    I am a newbie here and I am trying to find someone who will do a custom order for me.I am trying to get a tennis dress (with the knickers!) and a ballerina outfit, is there anyone out there who will make these for me please?

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