If there is one question that is seriously prevalent to my being, it is this: “How do you know?” I’ve asked that question enough times to fill my car with silver dollars. If they made a crossdresser anthem, that would be its title. Although it isn’t just about crossdressing, as it pertains to being transgender as well as any deviation from what they have spelled out as “Normal Behavior.” The “they” in this case are society, politics, religion, culture, history… you get the point.

I’m a mess inside as I struggle to come to any satisfactory explanation as to what I am and what I should be. I am neither male nor female. Ask me today and I might tell you that I’m comfortable being a CD, tomorrow, I may cry as I long to shed the masculine shell completely and become the woman I am, and the day after that… who knows. So again, “How do you know?”

I could rattle off all the things that I do know and try to equate that to some semblance of a dignified answer, but I’m only kidding myself. I don’t know and I wish that someone could give me an answer that is black and white that would help me to know. They can’t because if there were distinctive signposts for us to navigate, we’d all be holding hands and singing happy songs as we walk a similar path and then step off at our designated stop.

If I haven’t lost you, then let me try to rationalize my thoughts. I’m in constant turmoil trying to figure out “How do I know if I’m transgender… more precisely, I’m wanting to know what are all the feelings that make someone feel they are born in the wrong body and should be a female and must go through the process to rectify the mistake, and… I don’t feel that way. So does that make me, what exactly? Here’s the thing; if you gave me the magic pill, I’d take it in a heartbeat (that’s today and not me from 10 or 20 years ago.) My life is settled, and I can face all the obstacles that would come with a complete change. So, if I could take the pill, then why can’t I start the process on my own? “How do you know?”

Crossdresser Superstore

I used to ask, “How do you know if I’m a crossdresser or just someone who has a kinky fetish for high heels and lingerie? That answer only came after years of trial and tribulations stemming from self-doubt, irritability, and failed relationships. It morphed into, “How do I know if I am more than a crossdresser and possibly transgender?” Does claiming oneself to be transgender suddenly mean they have to pursue hormones and sex reassignment surgery? Will I lose my club card in the CD world and not be fully accepted into the transgender sorority until I start some recognizable process that exemplifies that I am serious about becoming a woman? “HOW DO YOU KNOW?”

I’ve edited hundreds of articles that have asked and attempted to answer that very question, both on CDH and TGH. The multiple truths shared by everyone have only made that question more perplexing. There are some who indeed, KNOW. They know with every fiber of their being, and I applaud them and envy them. I’m drifting on the vast ocean searching for the mythical kingdom where I am going to be accepted for who I am supposed to be. It will likely be that I will die with that question unanswered. And maybe that is ok and in its own way the answer that I’ve been searching for. “How do you know?” could easily be reshaped to state, “Why do I have to know?” My happiness today, and long into the future isn’t going to be answered by a collection of points that detail a progression from here to there. My line is my line and I only need to accept what I am willing to, nothing more.

How do I know if I’m transgender? I don’t, but I think that I am, and it doesn’t matter if I don’t “Check” all the boxes. It shouldn’t take away from this wonderful experience, one that lets me enjoy being a complete crossdresser. I love femininity and there is nothing wrong with my appreciation of it. I’m single so I’m hurting no one—this is different for those in relationships. Not that I wouldn’t love to be in a relationship with an accepting individual. If it happens, great! I’m not holding my breath. I don’t know, so I’ll keep taking one high heel step in front of the other as I sashay along the path to… wherever I eventually land. My guess is that I will never dock my boat at the magical kingdom. It’s possible that I might even drift further away from it. How do I know? Who cares?

It’s time for me to be content in understanding that I won’t find answers to my questions in the stories of others, but what I will find are similarities that have importance to me. If I were to undergo some of the procedures, I can find examples of what to expect. That is essential information to have.

Visit Transgender Heaven

Each of us, in our personal way, asks the same question, “How do you know?” I think we feel the need to garner reassurances, an “It’s okay to feel that way,” even the recognition from our fellow members that our posted picture shows our inner female.  The line between being transgender and just a crossdresser is as blurry as a 1960s television station without rabbit ears. (Sorry, couldn’t resist throwing some “old” humor out there.) That is why many of us will never find that particular answer. And… that is perfectly fine because the only answer that you need is the one that pertains to you finding your balance in life and the means to navigate it with happiness and compassion.

If there was one thing that I wish I could have told my younger self, it would be this, “Buy the shoes! Wear the dress! Treat yourself and others with respect and love everyone for who they are and not what they should be according to what society dictates.” Okay, that was much more than one thing. You get my point. I spent too much time hating myself and it took a toll on those around me. Today, I live by being as compassionate as I can. I have lots of years to still make up for, but at least I now like the person (whether in a dress or not) I’ve become and am still becoming.

May your life be enriched by the duplicity of treading the line between male and female, it is most assuredly a blessing and not a curse…

 

Until next time…

More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish

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Raquel Smith
Active Member
1 month ago

Hi Brina. This is a wonderfully thought-provoking article. I’m going to do something I don’t usually like to do, and that is to assume how others feel. Usually I just like to present how I feel. We may never have that checklist that, once everything is ticked off, will assign us to our designated label. I simply believe that most of us don’t know what we are, but are certain of what we are not. We are not traditional, binary individuals; either, or. We see what others label themselves as (based on what’s assigned at birth, under the current model)… Read more »

Diane Crow
Duchess
Trusted Member
1 month ago

Honey I love your writing it’s thought-provoking it’s loving and ask all the right questions! I thought I was just simply a cross dresser someone who loved the feeling of feminine fabrics and clothes and heels and when I finally lived on my own I decided to give it a try to be 100% And I found that it brought me great joy great inner satisfaction and as I continued on my path I found that I just became more and more and more me! It was as though someone had turned the light inside of me up and then… Read more »

Diane Crow
Duchess
Trusted Member
1 month ago

I just read this back to myself what I wrote to you with a little bit of editing I think it would make a nice little piece for CDH! What do you think?

Stephanie Aston
Trusted Member
1 month ago
Reply to  Diane Crow

Hi Diane
You put it so perfectly, as did Brina, I gave up worrying about who I was or where I’m heading because I could never get to an answer! The thing I DO know is that I am at my happiest and most content when I’m Stephanie and that is all I need.
Stephanie x

Trish White
Baroness
Active Member
1 month ago

Hi Sabrina, I loved your article especially that it made me sit back and think about my self and my journey to this point in my life. I have said more than once that had I not gotten married I may very well have transitioned but when I look at my life as a whole that could be wrong. I dressed totally and a lot in my late teens and early twenties and I know I just hated it when I had to put Trish away. I loved being a girl and back then I was very passable and felt… Read more »

Diane Crow
Duchess
Trusted Member
1 month ago
Reply to  Trish White

Trish, I have to tell you my story is a lot like yours really. And here I am turning 64 tomorrow and for the last year and a half have been living 100% the woman that I should’ve been born as! I’ve been on hormones for the last six months and I have to tell you I’m living my very best life so far! I can’t say in any way that that’s for anyone else but me but I can tell you life is good honey and I’m more me now than I’ve ever been in my life! Hugs to… Read more »

Trish White
Baroness
Active Member
1 month ago
Reply to  Diane Crow

Thanks for that Diane. I’m very happy for you and you’ve given me more to digest and think about. And you’re right no one can make any decisions for me, what ever the choice is it has to be mine.

Love Trish ❤️

Kim Dahlenbergen
Active Member
1 month ago

Brina, in how you describe yourself, you could also be describing me. There are some things that just can’t be known with certainty. There is no litmus test, just as there is no black and white, no red line, and no absolute binary gender identity. What I do know is that I am by far happiest when I allow myself to live as a woman. ‘AS’ is a reasonable modifier. I have never been a biological woman, so I can’t say I feel like a woman. I feel like myself, however, when presenting as a woman. Its not definitive, but… Read more »

Stephanie Aston
Trusted Member
1 month ago

Hi Brina I really enjoyed reading your article, not because of your dilemma but because its probably the same question nearly all of us ask our selves. For me I gave up trying to get an answer a few years ago! After all, it had taken me over forty years to “accept” that I was a Crossdresser! today I am happy knowing that Stephanie is a real person and one that makes me very happy and very content, yes I still lead a double life and I’m ok with that and I’m also ok with knowing that things change as… Read more »

Amy Myers
Baroness
Noble Member
1 month ago

Brina; The article seems to be talking about yourself, though I suspect somehow you have read my mind and described me instead! At times I’ve felt like the most screwed up person in the world but of course I’m nowhere near that. Now I sometimes describe myself with one foot in femininity and one foot in masculinity but Gender Fluid is what I suppose I am. Like you I have find I envy for those who know they are in the wrong body and are making the effort to change that as best science allows, but I’m not part of… Read more »

Mary Ann Brady
Member
1 month ago

When I went to a transgender conference for the first time a friend told me how ai would know if I’m a CD or transgendered woman is how I felt after the week of being a woman. She said if I’m a CD, I would be ready to get back to my male self in the “normal” world. If I was transgendered, I would want to stay a female full-time. She also said a way to tell the CDs from the transgendered is the CDs rarely wear pant suits. I don’t know if this is true or not, but it… Read more »

Donna Smith
Member
1 month ago

Thank you Brina for sharing your insight. I must say it’s rather obvious you have given this subject a lot of thought and consideration over the years. I can read your writings and find myself in them in so many ways. It is always insightful to simply read my thoughts out loud even when they are in another like minded person’s words. So how do we know? Well I’m willing to bet that’s a question we will be asking and answering forever as you displayed so openly and honestly the answer is going to change endlessly. I know this just… Read more »

Rhonda Lee
Baroness
Member
1 month ago

On a slightly different tangent, I often wonder how one detects I am a crossdresser. I spend hours with makeup and dressing my fem best. I feel I pass well, but when the occasional clerk addresses me as “sir” I have to wonder “How do you know?” Is there a good way to determine the answer to this without asking directly? I did ask a lady once who I came to know more closely. I thought it was likely my voice or something more obvious. But she responded that she was unsure at first, but noted my large hands and… Read more »

Tigerlilley
Duchess
Member
1 month ago

Sabrina. Follow your heart your soul If it’s ment to be then it will happen. My thoughts on Being transgender is being happy content with yourself .No one or tharpest can tell you that you are or not Your only one can decide who you are .After 5 yes I finally came to my heart And I made that decision I am happy with who I am Was it tuff Oh yes extremely tuff But I had nock downs I had broken heart But I mended it .Sabrina When you find the answer and you make peace with it or… Read more »

Tigerlilley
Duchess
Member
1 month ago

Your welcome. Let Angel’s surround you Sabrina

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