There comes that time in your journey where you want to open up and share your feminine self with others in your normal life. Trans friends are wonderful, for sure, but you might sense that there will be something healing and transformative about sharing your secret self with your friends and/or family.

This conversation comes up so often in the CDH chat rooms and IRL, so I thought I’d share a sample script of what I said and would say again if I had to come out again. Of course, feel free to change this and make it your own. It’s really just a way to get vulnerable in any area of life, not just your gender journey.

The wording …

  1. . allows them to say no
  2. . allows them to opt in to join you
  3. . takes ownership of your history
  4. . works to remove shame of your journey
  5. . shares your feelings


This isn’t magical wording, though. This topic is deep and complex for everyone you share your life with, but it’s worth it to be integrated, no longer living a split life, allowing people close to you into your soul, removing shame, and being at peace with yourself.

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I’d say something like this:

_____________ START SCRIPT _____________

Hey __________, I’ve been thinking about things, and there’s a big part of my life I’ve been scared to share with people, but I really feel I want to now. It’s been around in my life for ___________ years, but I’ve always been embarrassed by it and not known what to do with it, so I hid it. And I’m tired of hiding. So I want to include you in my journey. But this is hard for me; is that the kind of thing I can share with you?”

……..*tell your story* ……..

So that’s the journey I’ve been on. I don’t totally understand it and might not ever, but it’s a real part of me and I don’t want to be ashamed of it anymore. I don’t want this to be a burden on you. I’ve heard people say that when someone comes out, it’s like they get to take chains off and put the chains on the person they just came out to. I don’t want it to feel like that for you. I’m telling *these people in my life* right now, and you’re totally free to talk with them about any of this. And I know it might be more awkward for you to bring this up than for me to talk about it, but please just keep walking with me in life and in this. You really can ask me *this detail of questions*. And I would love for you to look out for me so I’m not doing anything that would damage my life, while also knowing that I don’t want to run away from this part of me or hide it any more either. This is just one area of my life, but it’s a real area. Thanks for listening and being with me in this. You’re amazing; I feel honored for you to hear my story.

_____________ END SCRIPT _____________

I’d love to hear any other additions you might have to this script. Please leave those ideas down in the comments section. I wish you courage and vulnerability and the freedom of being knit back together in your life.


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Hope Clark

Married man trying to figure out how to make sense of his feminine self with a loving wife that doesn't want to mess up our lives. Since I was 8 or 9, I've always felt very solidly like a boy, but there's also been a feminine layer to my soul that I was shamed into hiding. But I've always been some kind of mix of male and female ... I just haven't shown you all the feminine layer. I've done a lot of soul searching on it, reading, learning, diving really deep, and my soul doesn't need to transition to be female like many transgender folks, but for my psyche and soul to feel right, it seemed spending a few days a month living as my female self helped a lot. It's like a poison layer builds up inside me when she doesn't get to live, and I am a more vibrant, whole human when she does get to live. I love both gendered expressions of my soul and wouldn't want to lose either one. Lately, merging my masculine and feminine wardrobes in regular life has helped this all even more.

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skippy1965 Cynthia
Trusted Member
4 years ago

Great post Hope!. I have been using a variation of that this past year as I enlarge the circle of those who know about Cyn. I think most people know there’s “something different" about me, and among the folks I see every week -mainly at league pool-I have begun figuring out the ones I think will be accepting (or at the least not ‘put off’ by it. Just earlier this week, a female friend(married) who has always said I give the best hugs wa the latest I opened up to. She does makeup and hair for weddings , and is… Read more »

Miss Cloe
Managing Ambassador
4 years ago

I found that starting with a message that re-affirms the relationship with the person you’re telling helps. You’re about to tell them something that is going to put their lives into transition too. They need to know that you value the relationship enough to tell them and people are insecure in themselves to start with. Doing this first sets the sober mindset and makes it clear you value things being the way they are. Lastly, once you reveal yourself they are going to have so much going through their head that any further info may get clouded.

Paula Malmborg
Active Member
4 years ago

HI Hope, this is a great post, and it is really a fantastic toll to use, I want to come out to my sister but have not worked out how to yet, this is a complicated as we have only know each other for half our life’s as she was part of the white stolen generation from the 60’s. she also has very strong religious views, I think see will be ok with it but still not 100% sure But that said I will try before Xmas this year

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