Life for a covert dresser can, without doubt, be somewhat challenging.  Not necessarily because of the constant fear that your secret persuasion might be discovered, but because of the harm, the upset or confusion you might unleash on those closest to you.  Or even those in your wider, historically-secure friendship or work circles, the ones who for years have only known you as a veritable ‘deep-voice-man-guy’.  I am reaching a conclusion that dressing has almost an A-class narcotic allure – once tried, always yearned for.  The smoothness of the stolen-apple silk is all but soul-enveloping.

So, you dabble along, nudged here, prodded forward there; trying out, getting further entrenched into a secret lifestyle which you try so hard to rationalise, to accept as your ‘norm’.  It is undeniably you.  Your go-to home base.  Your ‘why can’t they just accept it for what it is’ world.  But, what of the impact on your SO?  What about her – did she know about, or sign up for this?  Did she know before she committed to you?  That’s a toughie, isn’t it.

It’s an incontrovertible fact that this subject troubles the secret dresser more than anything else in their CD life.  In their yin-yang world, the yin is the silky secret pleasure, the yang is worrying about its impact on others; their Significant Other, their soulmate, and most importantly, their wife.

There are as many different outcomes of that dreaded impact as there are wives, and they cover quite the spectrum – from instant divorce, right up to happily sharing her wardrobe with you, and even girls-together shopping trips to keep it beautifully stocked.  But in that dark-side place, that no-man’s-land of worry, you constantly wonder, is there a metaphorical bullet with your name on it?  And it eats you up.  Stealthy is unhealthy, you’d best never forget.

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For now though, let’s assume that not only have you dissipated any of the original guilt you might have felt, you have come to a comfortable secrecy, or even a sort of peaceful ‘DADT’ (don’t ask, don’t tell) environment, where you balance your pleasure with your good lady’s tolerance.  It works.  She’s fine.  You’re happy.  She is too, sort of, at least on the surface.  But then, something changes – a woman’s prerogative, after all.  She now does a U-turn: ‘I was sort of accepting, but you know what, I’m not now. Sorry hun, I think we need to…’

And then comes the dreaded bombshell you thought was just for others: the dreaded D-word. Or the one-way street called ‘trial separation’.  You probably thought you were in a ‘cake-and-eat-it’ world.  Now, suddenly and abruptly, you aren’t.  The vase is mid-air between her hands and the cold, cold floor.

A friend here on CDH (and, re upcoming pronouns, I have checked; he is happy to be referred to as a male dresser, especially in the following context) has his dressing life quite balanced out, it would seem – and so does his dearly-beloved and tolerant wife of considerable years.  Like the proverbial Lady Justice, she may choose to wear a blindfold, she balances the dressing persuasions out on her scales, but she also bears a sword.  He wisely keeps one eye on the sword, for if it were ever to get lifted, even slightly, he is certain that “if it came down to my marriage or my dressing, my dressing self would melt like the Wicked Witch of the West”.

I deeply admire his ultimate commitment to his wife. I just wonder though, could I commit to such, even in the face of the ultimate sanction, the about-to-fail marriage?  Is the allure of my ‘witch’ too strong?

Could I really control it?

Could you?

It surely begs the question: how wicked is your witch?

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Rozalyn Richards
Duchess
Trusted Member
6 days ago

I know how you feel Chrissie, it’s been hard keeping it a secret so long, many times I’ve just wanted to say that I’m a crossdresser and i love to wear feminine clothes, it would be wonderful to wear a dress everyday and not be judged, 
Hugs Roz X 

Colette
Lady
Active Member
6 days ago

you always look amazing sweetheart x

Rozalyn Richards
Duchess
Trusted Member
6 days ago
Reply to  Colette

@collettexx 
Hi Colette that’s only with the help of Tracey who worked her magic on me, that was my very first makeover, I’m hoping to repeat it sometime soon, 
I need some new outfits for the next time a girl can’t wear the same outfits for her makeovers, 
Hugs Roz X 

Colette
Lady
Active Member
6 days ago

She’s just put brush strokes on a masterpiece x

Rozalyn Richards
Duchess
Trusted Member
6 days ago
Reply to  Colette

@collettexx 
Thanks very much Colette , i couldn’t believe how she made me look so beautiful, 
Hugs Roz X 

Colette
Lady
Active Member
6 days ago

I have now got to the stage where I realise I’ve sacrificed too much and denied who I really am. Now it’s simple. I tell and they don’t like it it’s over .

Colette
Lady
Active Member
5 days ago

@Valentina Valentine thank you . It wasn’t an easy decision but I’ve made bad choices in the past. You tell someone as you care about them and suddenly a few months later the accusations start.  It’s notably when my lingerie collection is sexier than hers ! Anyway I don’t take a chance now and it’s made life a lot easier x

Alice Fay
Lady
Active Member
6 days ago

What a great question! I’m definitely in this situation… if she found out, what exactly would she do? Probably very accepting and supportive… or maybe likely to hit me on the head with something very large and solid (that probably used to be known as my left arm…) At the end of the day, I reckon it would have to be K rather than Alice – but I hope like hell that I never have to find out for sure… Final thing: you mention “witches": I recently saw something about a poll about the “Greatest Witch Ever": they had it… Read more »

Colette
Lady
Active Member
5 days ago
Reply to  Alice Fay

@Alice Fay the 3 from Macbeth!

Alice Fay
Lady
Active Member
5 days ago
Reply to  Colette

So, Valentina and Colette – when shall we three meet again?… Alice XXX

Colette
Lady
Active Member
5 days ago
Reply to  Alice Fay

@Alice Fay I fear something wicked this way comes …let’s hope so

Alice Fay
Lady
Active Member
4 days ago

I’m not sure I could find enough padding to be Dolly Parton; Keira Knightley perhaps? Alice XXX

Alice Fay
Lady
Active Member
4 hours ago

@Valentina Valentine Why would you ever want to?  Keira is near perfect – and A cups are soooo cute!!!  Honestly; some girls just need to get a sense of perspective – especialy considering that they always say “less is more"…  Alice XXX

Dawn Judson
Ambassador
Trusted Member
5 days ago

Just had this conversation, no more than an hour ago, with my wife. She’s currently in the “totally intolerant" mindset. Three months ago, I set up a meet-up with another CDer for this Friday. She had no issues with it, but as of late, that’s totally changed. She used to tell me that she would leave me only if I transitioned. A week ago, she said that if I ever go to another nightclub, she’ll leave. She says that I dress like a slut when I go clubbing & she’s worried about guys trying to pick me up. I dress… Read more »

Alice Fay
Lady
Active Member
5 days ago
Reply to  Dawn Judson

Dawn; if she’s worried about guys trying to pick you up, that’s one hell of a compliment to you – but it sounds like you need to dial things back a bit. I fully understand the idea of “what if she leaves me?" – I’m in the same situation. Sometimes, we have to take a step back and evaluate our priorities – and it sounds like you have yours in the correct order. Who knows – maybe in a couple of months she’ll be fully accepting again… and I’ll bet you don’t dress like a slut – just like the… Read more »

Colette
Lady
Active Member
5 days ago
Reply to  Dawn Judson

@Dawn Judson Hi Dawn,I don’t get on the site much so I’m catching up on a lot of topics but your post caught my eye so I  looked at your profile and saw a very confident, beautiful and elegant lady and an interesting bio.  I don’t think being told you dress like a slut is appropriate language for anyone anytime. We hear that nonsense when women are told they “asked for it “. But I understand your dilemma and what it would mean to you to lose your partner.  I just hope you can talk through this difficult situation and… Read more »

Jennifer Friendly
Lady
Active Member
5 days ago
Reply to  Dawn Judson

Doesn’t it always seem to come down to that, the decision, who is really going to be in control of our lives? Do we deserve to live as we please, enjoying who we really are inside, no harm to anyone or society, or do we allow someone else to control our life, determine who we are allowed to be based on their perceived fears and prejudices? Yes, we always want to have our cake, with icing, and eat it too, it’s only human, but in reality life hardly ever works out that way and we live lives of compromises, quiet… Read more »

Colette
Lady
Active Member
5 days ago

@Jennifer Friendly @ yes life can be a series of compromises , give and take etc but eventually you begin to wonder if the balance has been right . Dawn is in a very unenviable  situation . I know what I  would do and have done because Colette isn’t just a collection of clothes and make up . She’s who I want to be, she has a life and although it’s difficult for  me to combat my nerves I’m determined to, as you say give her her day and more in the sun.

Jennifer Friendly
Lady
Active Member
4 days ago
Reply to  Colette

Coming out has been one of the scariest, but most rewarding decisions of my life. Imagine, we’re raised with fears, guilt, shame, we spend our entire lives, our entire lives, living with these things, believing that we must, it’s what we must do to be “normal". Look at us here, everywhere, millions of us, OMG, living lives afraid,afraid and ashamed of who we are. Finally, our society is waking up to the fact that this just isn’t right. It’s mind boggling, the burden we carry for our entire lives, the toll only we know it takes on us, a toll… Read more »

Colette
Lady
Active Member
4 days ago

Great post x

Chrissie Smith
Baroness
Trusted Member
5 days ago
Reply to  Dawn Judson

@Dawn Judson Oh Dawn, I feel for you honey. I so hope you manage to work something out. I don’t face these sorts of problems as my wife knows nothing of Chrissie, but that of course brings its own challenges xx.

Harriette
Lady
Trusted Member
3 days ago
Reply to  Dawn Judson

@Dawn Judson Is there any chance that your wife would be open to some professional help?

Dawn Judson
Ambassador
Trusted Member
3 days ago
Reply to  Harriette

Nope. She refuses to have anyone tell her “how I should feel". I got her to go with me to see my therapist once. She thought she was going to get ganged up on, but was pleasantly surprised. Despite that, she said she’d never go again & she hasn’t. I tried to read her some comments from other CDHers, concerning this matter. She didn’t want to hear any of it.

Colette
Lady
Active Member
3 days ago
Reply to  Dawn Judson

@Dawn Judson All I can say is that I think she is being very unfair.

Harriette
Lady
Trusted Member
3 days ago
Reply to  Dawn Judson

@Dawn Judson At least you know where you stand with her. I wish you good luck.

Katherine Boesemann
Lady
Active Member
3 days ago

“Do you want to be a woman?" She spoke the question very quietly in the course of a tense conversation in the kitchen one morning. It was sprung on me and I’d had no time to prepare. In retrospect, even if I had had any forewarning, I doubt I would have had the capacity to formulate a decent answer. For years and years (from our courtship days) and 27 years into our marriage, she had been a consistent ally, weaving my crossdressing into our bedroom play and rejecting gender norms. That morning I sensed a change. Her tone was hostile… Read more »

Chrissie Smith
Baroness
Trusted Member
3 days ago

@Katherine Boesemann That was a shame Katherine, but you mustn’t let it spoil the memories of a wonderful relationship. You are probably reading too much into it xx.

Joan Grey
Lady
Member
2 days ago

Years ago Wife kind of hinted that she suspected, but stated whatever was going on, I should make damn sure I’m discreet enough so she never hears of it. We both hint at it now and then, and when she saw a 3-pack of panties listed on the receipt with my new jeans I had no response. I’ve been tempted once or twice to spill it, but I know that’s a bell that can’t be unrung.

carla
Lady
Member
7 hours ago

The witch has taken over me. I’ve decided I don’t want to bear the burden of hiding the witch. My wife discovered some of my clothes a while ago, and we talked, and the purge began. She came back stronger, and now I’m not planning on purging. We’ve been very angry. I’ve told her I have things to do, I’m thinking about taking hormones, and I haven’t even seen makeup yet. I know that by taking small steps I can calm the witch and not think about going that far. Right now, I’d drop everything and be Carla 100%. We… Read more »

Tonya Leren
Lady
Member
8 minutes ago

This is the biggest thing holding me back from fully diving into dressing every day, and even more holding me back from saving the money for the tip surgery that would greatly increase my happiness and men l mental state, I have to keep that side hidden from my job. While my SO is getting more confidante the thought she could decide she no longer is comfortable with me continuing my journey, is always there nagging at me… how easy she could say she was done… it’s a big worry

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