Life for a covert dresser can, without doubt, be somewhat challenging. Not necessarily because of the constant fear that your secret persuasion might be discovered, but because of the harm, the upset or confusion you might unleash on those closest to you. Or even those in your wider, historically-secure friendship or work circles, the ones who for years have only known you as a veritable ‘deep-voice-man-guy’. I am reaching a conclusion that dressing has almost an A-class narcotic allure – once tried, always yearned for. The smoothness of the stolen-apple silk is all but soul-enveloping.
So, you dabble along, nudged here, prodded forward there; trying out, getting further entrenched into a secret lifestyle which you try so hard to rationalise, to accept as your ‘norm’. It is undeniably you. Your go-to home base. Your ‘why can’t they just accept it for what it is’ world. But, what of the impact on your SO? What about her – did she know about, or sign up for this? Did she know before she committed to you? That’s a toughie, isn’t it.
It’s an incontrovertible fact that this subject troubles the secret dresser more than anything else in their CD life. In their yin-yang world, the yin is the silky secret pleasure, the yang is worrying about its impact on others; their Significant Other, their soulmate, and most importantly, their wife.
There are as many different outcomes of that dreaded impact as there are wives, and they cover quite the spectrum – from instant divorce, right up to happily sharing her wardrobe with you, and even girls-together shopping trips to keep it beautifully stocked. But in that dark-side place, that no-man’s-land of worry, you constantly wonder, is there a metaphorical bullet with your name on it? And it eats you up. Stealthy is unhealthy, you’d best never forget.
For now though, let’s assume that not only have you dissipated any of the original guilt you might have felt, you have come to a comfortable secrecy, or even a sort of peaceful ‘DADT’ (don’t ask, don’t tell) environment, where you balance your pleasure with your good lady’s tolerance. It works. She’s fine. You’re happy. She is too, sort of, at least on the surface. But then, something changes – a woman’s prerogative, after all. She now does a U-turn: ‘I was sort of accepting, but you know what, I’m not now. Sorry hun, I think we need to…’
And then comes the dreaded bombshell you thought was just for others: the dreaded D-word. Or the one-way street called ‘trial separation’. You probably thought you were in a ‘cake-and-eat-it’ world. Now, suddenly and abruptly, you aren’t. The vase is mid-air between her hands and the cold, cold floor.
A friend here on CDH (and, re upcoming pronouns, I have checked; he is happy to be referred to as a male dresser, especially in the following context) has his dressing life quite balanced out, it would seem – and so does his dearly-beloved and tolerant wife of considerable years. Like the proverbial Lady Justice, she may choose to wear a blindfold, she balances the dressing persuasions out on her scales, but she also bears a sword. He wisely keeps one eye on the sword, for if it were ever to get lifted, even slightly, he is certain that “if it came down to my marriage or my dressing, my dressing self would melt like the Wicked Witch of the West”.
I deeply admire his ultimate commitment to his wife. I just wonder though, could I commit to such, even in the face of the ultimate sanction, the about-to-fail marriage? Is the allure of my ‘witch’ too strong?
Could I really control it?
Could you?
It surely begs the question: how wicked is your witch?
Great essay. I can certainly relate as I’m sure many here do. Would the wicked witch melt if faced with an “either/or” from the SO? Depends I suppose on how deeply one was committed to their own feminine soul. Can you not live your life happily without the complete satisfaction of expressing who you really are or would you be left bereft and alone without your SO. I periodically go through periods of doubt and questioning as to the effect of my desires to present as a woman have on my SO. We recently went through just such an episode… Read more »
It is a truly loving and accepting wife who accepts this side of us as being essential, and that without it we would not be our full selves and possibly even face depression. Thank you for reading the article Robyn, and your considered comments after.
@Valentina Valentine I agree. I am one of those lucky things whose partner accepts and actively encourages my unquenchable need to dress.
My witch? She is terrible! lol She is insatiable! It’s because of her insistence on being so much more than a closet-dwelling presence that I ended up telling my partner about my terrible desires after trying to keep her quiet for so very long.
She also insists that I dress like a rather witch-y goth from time to time. I don’t object though 🙂
@Caroline Davidson ty, Ms Caroline. Does your wicked witch have a broom? 😉
I have not dressed for about 3 weeks now, to see if I could control my witch. It’s not easy at all. Like I’m conditioned to want to dress. Let’s see how it goes 💚
@Valentina Valentine She comes with all the right equipment! 🧹
🥹
@Robyn Scott How lovely for you Robyn. Kudos to your wife xx.
@Valentina Valentine This scenario is played out in nearly every rom-com ever made. The protagonist (usually the fella) meets the person of their dreams, but under some false context. Things are going so well that he can’t bring himself to be honest about who he is and eventually, invariably the other person finds out and the ____ hits the fan. Cue the drama while the fella mopes and despairs and works to convince the gal that, despite this deception, under it all he’s really a good person and worthy after all. In the film this always works out, this story… Read more »
Thanks Melodee. You seem to have almost written more above than I did in the article itself. You may love my next article then. I will dissect your words later. It was to an extent based on actual events, so maybe the moral of the story is ‘one size does not fit all’. Thanks for reading it and putting so much effort into your response.
@melodeescarlet Thanks for a thoughtful reply, and thanks to Valentina for the good post opening the topic. I fall into the category of not telling my wife until we were some years into our marriage. We both came from a conservative small town, and in those days, I couldn’t find the words. When I did tell her, it was a tense time. In fairness, I didn’t give her all the information going into our marriage. Another way to look at it would be how we would feel if we suddenly discovered our wives had some major secret they didn’t share.… Read more »
@Aria Faraci I am fast coming to the conclusion that if we want to keep our beloved wife, we may just have to back off for a while; and respect her views. Leave it a few weeks and then brooch the subject gently 🤓
@valentina16 Yes, we reached a compromise.
I love and lived this article! My wife was tolerant of it for more then 10 years, then we separated not solely on dressing but it was probably #2. I purged everything and swore off of dressing. The separation ended and she thought (maybe) happily ever after. Then my depression set in and the urge was to strong. It lasted a few years before I gave in and went back in the closet. Then as usual I left evidence out and got caught. I waited for the D word to fall. This time I was going to give it to… Read more »
@Jessi Jane Sort of heartwarming, at least the eventual outcome. I wonder if the depression was solely dressing related, or whether there were other significant factors. No matter now, you are comfortably sorted ☺️
Thanks for reading the article Jessi.
Look, I will admit that I don’t read every article published here. They tend to be long, and sometimes I can’t be bothered. But this one is so well written, and addresses fundamental issues affecting most of us in this community. Thank you Valentina. I can only speak for myself. I’ve never suffered any guilt or shame regarding my crossdressing, such as it is, or is not 😢. But there would be a 180° shift if I were ever to be discovered. I really don’t want to burden my wife, daughters, wider family and large circle of friends with the… Read more »
Thank you Chrissie. I guess the simple answer is that whilst we are on a journey, so are our wives and family, they are on a journey too. Since writing this, I have come to appreciate that if there is a good love in place, it will override the initial stigma of dressing, and is likely to nurture an opportunity for exploring options for acceptance, perhaps a compromise – and many have mentioned that where wives and families have been accepting and supportive, it has been with boundaries, the most typical one being requesting no en femme in the nearby… Read more »
I have realized in my life there needs to be time for my feminine self. My wife has been very accepting since I told her. If that trend ever did reverse though, I can’t imagine that I could ever give up this side of me. I think I would develop into a very wicked witch indeed!
Hiding it wasn’t healthy!
I think you are right in determining that you could never give up this side of you, and to do otherwise is only likely to cause harm to your wellbeing. If the wife is showing empathy to us, we must show empathy to her and our family’s needs. Simples.
@Valentina Valentine I Very much agree
A beautifully written article Valentina, so eloquently describing the dichotomy we feel between being completely open with our SO and keeping our secret completely to ourselves.For some perhaps maintaining a secret life might heighten the excitement of transformation, but essentially you are living a lie of omission. For me that kind of stress is way to much to bear, especially when engaging in a behavior that is supposed to satisfy a particular need and be pleasurable. I agree wholeheartedly with Melodee and support full disclosure from the earliest stages of a relationship, or at least as soon after your active… Read more »
@Kris Burton ty Kris. I totally agree with all your points. It is usually best to be open. I did write an earlier article which reached the same conclusion, ‘stealthy is unhealthy’. There are some instances though where people prefer not to say. I think it is up to the individual, one size does not fit all. Thank you for taking the time to read this article and your considered response. 💚
Really well said! I think this is a really great topic. Before we got married, I tried dropping hints to my wife by suggesting I dress up for Halloween, I intentionally left web pages open to some of the crossdressing stores for her to find, and I even placed an order with Victoria’s secret, but didn’t really get what I wanted, so I asked my wife (girlfriend at the time) to return it for me. You can’t really get any more blatant than that, yet she was still shocked when she discovered my stash. Maybe she was just in denial,… Read more »
@Patricia Smith Thanks for sharing this Patricia. Your dreams certainly outweigh your reality. I hope you get to your Nirvana. I feel you will. I feel in fact you must. I have another article in the pipeline which I think you may help with your journey. In the meantime, take care and be yourself. 💚
Way back, my witch was in conflict with my then wife’s hatred of my CD’ing. To still keep in touch with my “angel", I dressed away from home for work or in my office when everyone else had left for the day. That union ended up in divorce around the turn of the century.But not before some early purges etc, so it “would all go away". Not very long after I separated, I found my new and loving partner, who knows about Caty “but does not want to know". It’s a loving DADT relationship and early on, I was so… Read more »
Fast emerging conclusion: the witch is undeniable. Stick her in the broom cupboard, all she does is come knock-knock-knocking on heaven’s door. (🧐 thinks, that might make a good song…😊)
I disagree Valentina,
Witches like these should only go one way, “South to hell". Cos they can sure make life hell for folks like us.
Caty.
@Caty Ryan and yet we invite them in at a drop of their pointed hat and we entertain them in a cauldron of fun frolics and fantasy. 💚
My witch 🧙♀️ is well and truly stuck in the closet, my wife has absolutely no idea I’m a crossdresser and I’m sure she would feel betrayed to learn that I’ve been dressing most of our married life,
This is the only secret I’ve kept between us and I’m sure it would spell the end of our marriage,
Hugs Roz
@Rozalyn Richards Roz, I am in exactly the same place. It’s so tough isn’t it hun? At least you have those fabulous makeover pics to comfort you xx.