Ahh…what is that sound? It makes one stop and look around the store to see who’s making it. The clickity-clack of high heels walking on ceramic tiles has captured my attention and I have no choice but to try to catch a glimpse of the person making such wonderful sounds. She walks past; I notice painted red toes, the shape of her legs, the way her hips swing in perfect rhythm to the drumming beat of her shoes. And those shoes, what wouldn’t I give to be walking in a pair just like them. Well, not quite like them, mine would have to be a size 13. She leaves me a calling card, the whiff of an exotic perfume that punctuates her confidence and presentation.

This is my life, one that has taken me nearly 50 years to mostly understand. You might have guessed by now, I love to use words, weave them into imagery that paints a word picture. Recently, I’ve been working on a novel about a crossdressing accountant and his alter ego. It helps to relate, and relate I do. It took me longer than I expected to pen my first novel, but once I did the floodgates opened and I have since published several. I’ve only written one short novella as Brina, but the hero/heroine, crossdressing Sam, has many adventures to share and I can’t wait to finish their first adventure.

Recently there was a story on the internet about transgendered military personnel and the updated status that will allow them to now serve in public, out and not hidden. That wasn’t the most interesting part of the piece, but the overall estimate of how many transgendered military personnel there are, thousands. I’ve said it before, but let me do so again, there are more like us than the world has ever imagined. By us, I mean people who are human and share the qualities once purposely divided between male and female. My daughter was a tomboy, but when she got decked out, she was stunning, still is. We applauded her when she got down and dirty in the mud, and praised her beauty. I feel like I’m the polar opposite of her; a bettygirl. (Maybe you have a better name.) I can be down and dirty, and then I shave all my body hair off, lotion up, and glamour up. What’s the difference? Perception.

The good news; the world’s perception is changing. It really doesn’t have a choice, our numbers are growing, and soon the world will have no option other than to become a more blended society. Okay, soon may take awhile, but we’ve come so far. There are a lot of people like me, many my age who wish we could be twelve today and have the choice to start our paths differently. In college I had to scour the library to read books about my feelings. Most of them told me I had an affliction and should seek counselling to correct it. It would get to the point where self-doubt and shame would make me feel like a worthless person, a mistake. No more! The world has expanded and me with it. I love Brina, who she is, how she makes me feel, the alter ego to my boring male counterpart. I can’t imagine my life without her. I don’t want to any longer. I need her to be whole. Every morning, I wake up, shave, lotion up, and glamour up for a few hours of coffee and internet time. I’m still hidden to the world, or most of it. A few know my tendencies; it came out to my children in the divorce, but my responsibilities keep Brina from having more of public persona. Some days, I wear Brina underneath my clothes, and some nights to bed. It’s enough for now.

Never say never, because that would most likely be a lie. Circumstances change and life moves on. Back to my shopping story. When I was in my teens I would look at the girl making the clacking sound and wonder what it would be like to be with her, fantasizing about her wearing those shoes. I admit, I’ve always had a thing about nylons and heels, what girl doesn’t. I experienced the fantasy and life went on. In my thirties, I wanted to wear those shoes. In my forties, I wanted to be her. Now I’m in my fifties and I have those shoes. I wear them and I still wonder what it would be like to be with her, only now we’d both be wearing our heels.

So, be happy with who you are and accept that the journey you’re on is okay to travel. There isn’t any path in life that isn’t without frustration and obstacles. Living life and overcoming roadblocks is what is important. Being kind to others and forgiving ourselves for not living up to the world’s perception of what they think we should be is what really matters. The world’s perception is changing and us along with it!

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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish

Brina is from Iowa, and she is steadily learning how to merge her two halves into one whole. Still closeted after 40 years, she hopes to one-day walk freely and confidently in the open. She spends most of her time working as a self-published novelist under both personas.

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8 Comments
  1. Sallysim 11 months ago

    Well said Brina, you’re an inspiration to all in our community. I find the more I allow people to know about my true inner self the better I feel in myself and find them more supportive. We are all human regardless, and as you say there are many many thousands of us around the world. I accept that I’m transgender and feel proud to be so and part of this wonderfully colourful and friendly family.

  2. Samantha Jane 12 months ago

    Very nicely written Brina, I can relate to this story in so many ways, being a writer, near my 50s as well and finally understand who I am. I love the imagery in the beginning of how it is to experience a lady when they are near, not just the looks, but all of the senses that are affected, sight, sound, smell. That is what it truly means to be feminine and it is an amazing world to be part of. I haven’t told too many either, or gone out fully dressed in public yet, but each person I’ve come out to has been fully supportive, which is wonderful. The times def are changing, but it can still be lil scary, so we go at our own pace. Thanks for sharing. Samantha/ Mike P.

  3. skippy1965(Cynthia) 12 months ago

    Love the article Brina! I have always truly loved the click-clack of heels on a hard surface and when its ME who is making that sound, it is still a thrill beyond measure!

    Cyn

  4. April (Pacific Princess) 12 months ago

    Such a lovely telling of an oh so familiar tale. Brina, you have encapsulated my feelings so well. I embrace both my male and female selves. I think I am more comfortable as April, but my male self is just so much easier on a day to day basis. And April helps my male self be an overall better person. Being who we ARE is something we all should embrace.

    Hugs,
    April

  5. Deb 12 months ago

    Hi Brina,
    Thanks for sharing your writing. I love it from beginning to end.
    Yes, world’s perception is changing. Happy for us (am 55) but even more for youth. Faith!

    Deb

  6. Leonara 12 months ago

    Hi Brina,
    Well done. I love your writing..
    Please keep them coming
    Leonara

  7. andrea 12 months ago

    Hi Britain
    I can so relate my life to your story
    Hugs Andrea

  8. Vera Jane Gonsalves 12 months ago

    You write well….. the intro was terrific… such a vivid picture. Hope to read your novels/novellas soon

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