It’s me, Katie.

You may know me already.

I’m sweet and a little flirty. I love dresses and high heels and makeup. Unfortunately, I am also a parasite.

I don’t have my own body so I live in someone else’s. His name is Dan. Dan works hard almost everyday. He has a wife whom he loves dearly and two beautiful children for whom he would do anything. Dan values the things I love most in a man, he is secure, confident, successful, and he spoils his family to death. The last thing in the world I would ever want to do is ruin Dan’s life. But I know that is a risk every time I come out. So I try to stay quiet, hidden, and out-of-the-way.

Lately though, that is getting harder for me to do. I exist. I have thoughts and feelings, needs and desires. I need to see myself in the mirror at least once in a while.

I’m not getting any younger.

I know that with each passing day I get older. I fear I only have a few years left where I can wiggle into tight jeans. Perhaps only a few years before I become jowly and chicken-necked. And so I force myself out. I force Dan to let me take control as often as I can. The few hours of freedom that I have I relish like a child at Disneyland. I don’t feel guilt. I feel freedom and joy. It is only when I am again locked away, when my bra and panties have been stowed in the places where I have to keep them hidden, that I begin to feel terrible. Dan has been a terrific host. I don’t want to hurt him or hurt his family either.

Juyo Vonsan

I particularly feel sorry for Dan’s wife. We’ve met. I wanted us to be friends. But I sensed that could never happen. I sensed that she was terrified that I was going to take away her husband, her man, her rock, the father of her children. Dan and I decided that she and I should never meet again. That the damage it could do would be overwhelming. Dan is entirely comfortable with this arrangement, but I resent it terribly. To me she has become a prison guard. I must always be on the lookout for her, one eye over my shoulder. Dan would eliminate me to keep his family intact. Sometimes I feel like she’s looking at me, knowing that deep down inside of Dan I’m still inhabiting parts of Dan. When I catch that look, I cower. I wish I could stand up to her and tell her that she is not only hurting me, she is hurting Dan when she keeps me locked up inside of him.

To her, I am a monster. I am that which must be kept at bay. My mere presence is a perceived threat. She fears me. And perhaps she is right to do so. She does not want to share a bed with a woman. She does not want to share her makeup or her clothes or her jewelry with me. Worse yet, she fears that one day I will get tired of living deep inside of Dan. She fears that one day, I will take over Dan and Dan will cease to exist.

Juyo Vonsan

In reality, however, I dream of that day. I dream of the day that I can make the decisions about what to wear and how to cut our hair and where to shave. But to do so, I fear Dan would have to go away and I would miss him terribly. So here I sit in my dungeon, a prisoner struggling to be free, living for those stolen moments when I can stand in the sunlight and be acknowledged.

I pray for a day that I can shout from the rooftops “I exist!” But I also feel that day shall never come.

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Katie Robbins

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Vivienne Marcus
4 years ago

Beautiful; articulate; heart-breaking. It rings true from so many angles.

Thank you for posting this.


Kim (@darkangel)
4 years ago

I know just how you feel, only it’s my friends that are keeping me locked up. They say there cool with it but I’m not so sure. I just want to be happy and live my life the way I want to.

Linda (@lindacol)
4 years ago

Very thoughtful indeed but why the negatives? Monster, dungeon, prisoner, parasite? Life is a compromise for everyone but there is so much to be thankful for. Katie gets to go out – many cannot. Dan does not hate Katie – many have not reached such acceptance. Dan is loved by wife and family – many lose all of that. Dan’s wife is never going to love but she tolerates Katie – many wives will not have any of that. Katie gets to ‘exist’ – no one spends all their time in Disneyland. Dan and Katie have equal shares of the… Read more »

Rianna Romero
Rianna Romero (@riannasize16)
12 days ago
Reply to  Linda

I think those terms address the feelings of shame we might have inside of us. Those feelings come from not being accepted. It’s part of why having a safe space, even a virtual safe space like CDH is so important to healthier feelings.

4 years ago

Thank you for your article I used to think I was the only one with those feelings your descriptions are so much like my thoughts and feelings

Rianna Romero
Rianna Romero (@riannasize16)
12 days ago
Reply to  Ricki


4 years ago

just beautiful…

Nikki Jones
Nikki Jones (@nikkij)
4 years ago

Amazing you described it so eloquently. For years I have repressed myself because of those exact same thoughts and feelings. I would only allow myself to sneak out in “acceptable” ways, jokingly putting on a pair of my SOs panties, allowing my nails to be painted under protest. Yet always in the back of my mind is this need this desire. It would make me feel ashamed of who I am. It wasn’t until these last few years that I have really started to look into myself and started to come to terms with it. I wish I could say… Read more »

4 years ago

Exactly how I feel. I started hormones last September. Been off and on 3 times because both are fighting for dominance. No more purges or haircuts though. I always regret that. Wish I could move to California and just disappear.

Active Member
Char (@charee)
1 year ago

Katie, this article was pointed out to me as a “must read” by our own Cap, and omg yes, I see why now; what a fantastic piece of writing. An incredible story, I could have read another fifty pages dear soul…It’s hit on so many points and although I’m a little late with my response, this could be a book or even a sweet little movie one day girl…
yup, truth…
Thank you for your contribution!
n huggles

Rianna Romero
Rianna Romero (@riannasize16)
12 days ago

Katie, I haven’t been on this site too long but I think this is one of the best articles I’ve read. I noticed some people commenting about the negativity of the language but these are honest feelings and there should be no shaming for that. Your article helped me understand my own feelings as well. Honestly, I cried but it was good to get some clarity. To recognize the harshness I’ve put on my own self, for being in a similar situation, and that this is something that needs to come up in therapy perhaps. At the very least you… Read more »

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