I Am Jackie

Over time we learn many things, how to eat, how to talk, how to walk, how to play with other children, go to school and learn more, obey our parents, and eventually, we learn many lessons regarding right from wrong. Sometimes the right and wrong lessons can be gentle and sometimes harsh, especially for slow learners, which I have always been. Make no mistake about it, when it came to learning certain areas I was slower to learn than many kids were. Take arithmetic, for example, 2 + 2 equaled 4, that I got! But then along came decimals and algebra that sent me for a loop and it was all over for me. No more medium grades for me in math. Yet I was astounding in English and History. Those were my babies, I was at the top of the class in those two areas. Why? Not sure, other than they were something that inspired me and for some reason stuck in my pretty little head no matter what. My penmanship came to look exactly like a girl’s penmanship. In fact, one time I was accused of letting a girl do my school work and the teacher had me write my name in front of her to prove it was mine. In jr. high school, I got into an art class and into photography; I quickly came to love both and scored with good grades. So I always received an A in those subjects. The one class that I signed up for, which brought even more attention to myself, was I think called ‘economics.’ Some of my first projects in that class required learning to sew and I would bring things from home to hem, sew and create. I would sometimes listen to the news at night with my mother, if she were home, before I did anything else. I grew up in a time of war, protests, racism gone rampant, and our good ol’ president being caught for his part and role in Watergate and witnessed his impeachment! It was a good time for a kid to be a kid and a bad time to be a parent or an adult. Hmm, where am I going with this? I did seem to lose my train of thought here, damn a.d.h.d anyway. Oh I know, why and how I am Jackie.

Here’s the thing, in the 70’s it just wasn’t real cool for one to admit or be recognized as gay and I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have set too well to tell anyone I checked out other boy’s, wore makeup and girls clothing after school, and on weekends became a little queen. Though I was looked upon and seen or acknowledged as being gay and feminine and doing what I did I never came right out and admitted it to anyone until the day came that I would tell all to my sisters.  But up to that point, everything was speculation and here say. I have spoken a lot in other articles and shared conversations with many here at CDH regarding my sisters and her infinite love and support. My sisters always supported me in one way or another but how were they to support me in the gay and crossdressing areas when I couldn’t even foresee what lied ahead.. or had any kind of notion or understanding myself. All I did know was that I had no wish to be with the girls like other boys were. I would overhear boys bragging at school about being with this girl or that girl and what they did together and where they did it. Of course, it was one more topic and conversation I couldn’t jump into for obvious reasons. When I was 12 I put my foot down with my mother and refused to let anyone cut my hair ever again.  This insane rule and notion had to go and it did. Seemed like forever but my hair grew long in a short matter of time and I got to hear about it every day.

I was 14 years old when my first encounter with a guy came about. I was full of ‘unsures’, fear, confusion and guilt in so many ways. I won’t go into that affair or any affair for that matter, but the one thing I will say is that when it was over I had no other decision to make other than the one I had made that day to be with another male. I’m telling this because I get messages asking how did I know. How did it evolve from wearing makeup, my sisters’ clothes, fighting to keep my hair long, my nails long, plucking my eyebrows and feeling like a million dollars doing so? I often say that we who crossdress, do drag and transition didn’t decide to do any of them. That would be the ultimate dumb ass decision to make. Think about it, why would you or I make the foolish decision to be humiliated, judged, discriminated against, abandoned, hated, talked about, physically assaulted, maimed, mentally and emotionally destroyed and even murdered? I myself can’t think of one reason other than one realistic reason, “we were born this way.” I realize not everyone who crossdresses or even does drag is gay or bi-sexual. Many of you are heterosexual and have wives. You don’t understand me and I don’t understand you. That’s okay, we all have a common thread whether you agree or not. I was asked to shorten this article because I got so long winded so if some parts join other parts you know why. I believe, and I truly do believe we will all be in the same place some day. Till that day we are all here at once. A poem by Robert Frost said “Home Is Where You Go And No One Asks You To Leave” which was a truly meaningful lot of words put together by a very talented man who faced diversity every day. Guess what? Robert Frost died at home surrounded by those who loved him and never asked him to leave!

As time went on…

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  1. Frankie Powers 3 days ago

    I loved your story, I can read it over and over, it’s beautiful and so are you, .

  2. Debbiedeedee Dresses 2 weeks ago

    I’m leaving the reply I wish I looked like you girls I’m so jealous and envious I should have started 40 years ago…lol oh well better late than never I can be someone’s grandmother or great-grandmother I just want to make new friends love you Chow

    • Author
      Jackie 2 weeks ago

      Never to late to keep going. You already began so keep putting one heel in front of the other and before you know it you will soon look into the mirror and love the person looking back at you. “Very Important,” love yourself first, nurture it and witness the development. Have fun, Jackie…..

  3. Debbiedeedee Dresses 2 weeks ago

    Oh my God you’re beautiful oh my God I want to be your friend…

  4. Manager Codille 2 weeks ago

    So proud of my girl!!!!


    • Author
      Jackie 2 weeks ago

      Thank You Mother Codille, that means the world to me. Hope your doing well. We really should talk soon lady, so much to catch up on. Luv Ya, Jackie…..

  5. Allison Kinsley 2 weeks ago

    I’m speachless, WOW!!! Alot of what you said hit home, I was trully confused and still am today. Growing up for me there was no trans or gender issues just straight and gay and the later was of course forbiden. Hell I didn’t even know there was such a thing as drag or crossdressing but deep inside I knew I was different. I always felt like a girl inside but never coukd express it. I was attracted to boys but still had the girlfriends now I don’t know what i want due to putting on an act for so long. I’m still figuring myself out however the more I allow myself happiness the more I find myself to be feminine. I tell myself that I’ve been crossdressing my whole life now its time to show the real you.
    Believe it or not i sat here staring at wow for at least ten minutes soooo I was speechless at first.

    • Author
      Jackie 2 weeks ago

      I wrote this article with holding nothing back and with high hopes that it could help someone else find and discover they’re true selves. I found me at an early age surrounded by a society that didn’t want to recognize the truth and another huge part that were hypocrites. I’m glad you could identify with the article and I hope there was at least some part of it that will help you and other’s find your own peace as well as way. We are only here for a little while meaning life is short and we have the right to be who we really are at less expense to other’s. Better to have lived our true selves and been happy than to have lived our lives being miserable trying to suit other’s. Peace, Jackie…..

      • Frankie Powers 4 days ago

        if you don’t mind Jackie, may ask you what you do for a living? I presume a counselor or model and you are a very influential intellic. I love to dress when I’m in the mood but i can always click a switch and become the man at anytime, Is it possible for the woman in me and the Man in me just get along and share this body of mine, We are doing fine right now, what kind of signals should I look for before all hell breaks loose.

  6. BriannaLee Stone 3 weeks ago

    Loved your story. I identify as bisexual, but lean towards men, sexually. Just, who I am..but I can identify with you kn many ways. Your beautiful, btw.

    • Author
      Jackie 2 weeks ago

      Thank you for reading my article and for the lovely compliment. I think as long as we keep putting one foot in front of the other we find our way and if we don’t it was never meant to be anyway.

  7. Ambermaria Martinez 3 weeks ago

    Omg Jackie what a wonderful story I can relate to that so much. When I was younger I was a hitch hiker in my town. And there was a guy that always seen.me. hitch hiking as,tune went on he would pick me up and just talk to me .well one time he put his hand on my knee and started to move his hand up more he asked me if I wanted him to stop I felt wonderful so I said No.omg was so so happy felt wonderful to.he would ride around my neighborhood all the times and I would get in his car again. This time we went to a wooded area he put his hands on my area made me feel so so happy he bought a small bottle of perfume for me and asked if I liked it. Omg yes I said so I put some on got so so happy I leaned over to him and took his hands to my private area started to. Feel femmine so I started to kiss him was living it so much. As time went on I lover having him touch and carred me I had on a pair of nylon panties and pantyhose he took me into woods undid my pants and that’s when I knew and said I want to be woman also .we started to see each other more next couple times we got. A room and I took one of mothers dresses with me and some gourgous lingerie. He loved it yes to be honest we did make love how wonderful it was .to be treated. As,a woman also. Today I’m 61 years old still the girl I became and love being so so much. I wouldn’t change anything from that day on he bought the woman in me out .

    • Author
      Jackie 3 weeks ago

      Yeah a girl just knows most the time who she is and when other’s come along to respect who you really are it’s all about accepting yourself, finding your inner feminine self and running with it.

  8. *skippy1965(Cynthia) 3 weeks ago

    great article, Jackie! though our paths are different, they are parallel too. thanks for sharing!

    • Author
      Jackie 3 weeks ago

      Thank you Cyn. I do wholeheartedly believe that too. Thanks for your reply and thoughts.

  9. Virginia Slims 3 weeks ago

    You make me feel like I deserve to love my inner woman and embrace my beautiful femininity, thank you for sharing and giving me faith in a future where I am not afraid of Virginia ❤️

    • Author
      Jackie 3 weeks ago

      And what can I say to that. I have no words except thank you. Virginia needs to not be afraid anymore to be and to live who she is. I believe we are born to become who we are. Stay Virginia hun cuz no one else can be except you.

    • Virginia Slims 3 weeks ago

      Thank you so very much Jackie, you are an extremely wise woman and I’ll always cherish your beautiful words and the kindness that becomes you ❤️ Love for you, Virginia

  10. Marianne 3 weeks ago

    Hi Jackie.

    Nice to finally see your story published. I for one do understand even if our lives took different directions. Should I have pushed the issue when young, I had possibly been closer to where you are today. But no one can know how things would have evolved so long ago. I’ve lernt to be a woman in disguise and will probably remain so until the day I die. But girl will they not knowing be up for a surprise at my funeral!


    • Author
      Jackie 3 weeks ago

      Thank you Marianne, I’m not real sure where the courage and strength cam from at such an early age. I just believe it was by following my heart and taking many bold chances. And though there have been times throughout the year’s especially back then that I was scared to death to be the person only I knew I was I think I got through because it was meant to be. Thank you for everything.

  11. Lanna Barton 3 weeks ago

    What an inspiration you are!!!!
    Thank you!!!

    • Author
      Jackie 3 weeks ago

      Ahhh thank you Lana for your comment. I think it’s important for me to say that you and everyone else on this at CDH & TGH are a huge inspiration to me as well. I am a fan of all of you.

  12. Lucinda Hawkns 3 weeks ago

    what a great article, well said and i agree with all you said. i am a closet C.der and wife knows, daughter might know, my niece who helped me dress up for Halloween might know but not sure if she knows i dress up allot. wish she would know then she would make me dresses for me and would love to dress me up again for Halloween.. i have my own female clothing and all that, from ear rings to perfume to dresses, skirts, nylons, make up,bras, panties, and even pads, boob inserts. would love to dress up all day and be the female of the house hold and enjoy life as i should be a girls, but God had something else for me when i was born. male parts female brain and body figure

    • Author
      Jackie 3 weeks ago

      Creator did make you who you are Lucinda for reasons of his/her own. I wish you the best girl.

  13. Allyson Nicole 3 weeks ago

    I love your article. We all are dealing with our gender and sexuality concerns. Some have more success in reaching an acceptance of who we are. Sweety just be who your heart and mind tell you. You will always have my support!! Warm hugs xxx, Allyson

    • Author
      Jackie 3 weeks ago

      Thank you Allyson I really respect what you said. I do my best, some comes in a natural sense and some in a “make my life work for me sense.” Thank you for your support, I admire that.

  14. Grace 4 weeks ago

    Thank you dear for another thoughtful and inspiring article. You are my muse!

    • Author
      Jackie 3 weeks ago

      And you mine. You and everybody here have become such inspiring friends who do understand me. Thank you for you vote of courage. :By the way, I love your red dress your wearing in your profile pic.

      • Grace 3 weeks ago

        Thank you luv, a gurl has to dress up some times

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