Over time we learn many things, how to eat, how to talk, how to walk, how to play with other children, go to school and learn more, obey our parents, and eventually, we learn many lessons regarding right from wrong. Sometimes the right and wrong lessons can be gentle and sometimes harsh, especially for slow learners, which I have always been. Make no mistake about it, when it came to learning certain areas I was slower to learn than many kids were. Take arithmetic, for example, 2 + 2 equaled 4, that I got! But then along came decimals and algebra that sent me for a loop and it was all over for me. No more medium grades for me in math. Yet I was astounding in English and History. Those were my babies, I was at the top of the class in those two areas. Why? Not sure, other than they were something that inspired me and for some reason stuck in my pretty little head no matter what. My penmanship came to look exactly like a girl’s penmanship. In fact, one time I was accused of letting a girl do my school work and the teacher had me write my name in front of her to prove it was mine. In jr. high school, I got into an art class and into photography; I quickly came to love both and scored with good grades. So I always received an A in those subjects. The one class that I signed up for, which brought even more attention to myself, was I think called ‘economics.’ Some of my first projects in that class required learning to sew and I would bring things from home to hem, sew and create. I would sometimes listen to the news at night with my mother, if she were home, before I did anything else. I grew up in a time of war, protests, racism gone rampant, and our good ol’ president being caught for his part and role in Watergate and witnessed his impeachment! It was a good time for a kid to be a kid and a bad time to be a parent or an adult. Hmm, where am I going with this? I did seem to lose my train of thought here, damn a.d.h.d anyway. Oh I know, why and how I am Jackie.

Here’s the thing, in the 70’s it just wasn’t real cool for one to admit or be recognized as gay and I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have set too well to tell anyone I checked out other boy’s, wore makeup and girls clothing after school, and on weekends became a little queen. Though I was looked upon and seen or acknowledged as being gay and feminine and doing what I did I never came right out and admitted it to anyone until the day came that I would tell all to my sisters.  But up to that point, everything was speculation and here say. I have spoken a lot in other articles and shared conversations with many here at CDH regarding my sisters and her infinite love and support. My sisters always supported me in one way or another but how were they to support me in the gay and crossdressing areas when I couldn’t even foresee what lied ahead.. or had any kind of notion or understanding myself. All I did know was that I had no wish to be with the girls like other boys were. I would overhear boys bragging at school about being with this girl or that girl and what they did together and where they did it. Of course, it was one more topic and conversation I couldn’t jump into for obvious reasons. When I was 12 I put my foot down with my mother and refused to let anyone cut my hair ever again.  This insane rule and notion had to go and it did. Seemed like forever but my hair grew long in a short matter of time and I got to hear about it every day.

I was 14 years old when my first encounter with a guy came about. I was full of ‘unsures’, fear, confusion and guilt in so many ways. I won’t go into that affair or any affair for that matter, but the one thing I will say is that when it was over I had no other decision to make other than the one I had made that day to be with another male. I’m telling this because I get messages asking how did I know. How did it evolve from wearing makeup, my sisters’ clothes, fighting to keep my hair long, my nails long, plucking my eyebrows and feeling like a million dollars doing so? I often say that we who crossdress, do drag and transition didn’t decide to do any of them. That would be the ultimate dumb ass decision to make. Think about it, why would you or I make the foolish decision to be humiliated, judged, discriminated against, abandoned, hated, talked about, physically assaulted, maimed, mentally and emotionally destroyed and even murdered? I myself can’t think of one reason other than one realistic reason, “we were born this way.” I realize not everyone who crossdresses or even does drag is gay or bi-sexual. Many of you are heterosexual and have wives. You don’t understand me and I don’t understand you. That’s okay, we all have a common thread whether you agree or not. I was asked to shorten this article because I got so long winded so if some parts join other parts you know why. I believe, and I truly do believe we will all be in the same place some day. Till that day we are all here at once. A poem by Robert Frost said “Home Is Where You Go And No One Asks You To Leave” which was a truly meaningful lot of words put together by a very talented man who faced diversity every day. Guess what? Robert Frost died at home surrounded by those who loved him and never asked him to leave!

As time went on…

EnFemme

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Grace
Member
Grace
5 years ago

Thank you dear for another thoughtful and inspiring article. You are my muse!

Grace
Member
Grace
5 years ago
Reply to  Jackie

Thank you luv, a gurl has to dress up some times

Allyson Nicole
Allyson Nicole
5 years ago

I love your article. We all are dealing with our gender and sexuality concerns. Some have more success in reaching an acceptance of who we are. Sweety just be who your heart and mind tell you. You will always have my support!! Warm hugs xxx, Allyson

Lucinda Hawkns
Lady
Trusted Member
5 years ago

what a great article, well said and i agree with all you said. i am a closet C.der and wife knows, daughter might know, my niece who helped me dress up for Halloween might know but not sure if she knows i dress up allot. wish she would know then she would make me dresses for me and would love to dress me up again for Halloween.. i have my own female clothing and all that, from ear rings to perfume to dresses, skirts, nylons, make up,bras, panties, and even pads, boob inserts. would love to dress up all day… Read more »

Lanna Barton
Lady
Member
5 years ago

What an inspiration you are!!!!
Thank you!!!

Marianne
Ambassador
Active Member
5 years ago

Hi Jackie.

Nice to finally see your story published. I for one do understand even if our lives took different directions. Should I have pushed the issue when young, I had possibly been closer to where you are today. But no one can know how things would have evolved so long ago. I’ve lernt to be a woman in disguise and will probably remain so until the day I die. But girl will they not knowing be up for a surprise at my funeral!

Marianne

Virginia Slims
Member
Virginia Slims
5 years ago

You make me feel like I deserve to love my inner woman and embrace my beautiful femininity, thank you for sharing and giving me faith in a future where I am not afraid of Virginia ❤️

Virginia Slims
Member
Virginia Slims
5 years ago
Reply to  Virginia Slims

Thank you so very much Jackie, you are an extremely wise woman and I’ll always cherish your beautiful words and the kindness that becomes you ❤️ Love for you, Virginia

skippy1965 Cynthia
Ambassador
Trusted Member
5 years ago

great article, Jackie! though our paths are different, they are parallel too. thanks for sharing!
Cyn

Ambermaria Martinez
Lady
Active Member
5 years ago

Omg Jackie what a wonderful story I can relate to that so much. When I was younger I was a hitch hiker in my town. And there was a guy that always seen.me. hitch hiking as,tune went on he would pick me up and just talk to me .well one time he put his hand on my knee and started to move his hand up more he asked me if I wanted him to stop I felt wonderful so I said No.omg was so so happy felt wonderful to.he would ride around my neighborhood all the times and I would… Read more »

BriannaLee Stone
BriannaLee Stone
5 years ago

Loved your story. I identify as bisexual, but lean towards men, sexually. Just, who I am..but I can identify with you kn many ways. Your beautiful, btw.

Allison Kinsley
Lady
5 years ago

I’m speachless, WOW!!! Alot of what you said hit home, I was trully confused and still am today. Growing up for me there was no trans or gender issues just straight and gay and the later was of course forbiden. Hell I didn’t even know there was such a thing as drag or crossdressing but deep inside I knew I was different. I always felt like a girl inside but never coukd express it. I was attracted to boys but still had the girlfriends now I don’t know what i want due to putting on an act for so long.… Read more »

Frankie Powers
Lady
Member
5 years ago
Reply to  Jackie

if you don’t mind Jackie, may ask you what you do for a living? I presume a counselor or model and you are a very influential intellic. I love to dress when I’m in the mood but i can always click a switch and become the man at anytime, Is it possible for the woman in me and the Man in me just get along and share this body of mine, We are doing fine right now, what kind of signals should I look for before all hell breaks loose.

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