It’s interesting how long it takes some people to discover what kind of human they are. Some people just seem to know what they want to do at each phase of their life. Take my brother for example: from as far back as I could remember he wanted to be a pilot and fly big planes or fighter jets. Nothing deterred him from reaching his dream of becoming an airline pilot; after years of hard work and several detours, he became a pilot with a major airline. Back problems forced an early retirement, so he didn’t reach the pinnacle but he did fly Boeing 767s before he was forced to quit on disability about 20 years ago.I, on the other hand, wasn’t driven to a career goal, but just fell into engineering after an aborted attempt at Architecture school. But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. I did have a goal in life that I didn’t feel would ever be in reach. As a preschooler, I learned that I wanted to be a girl. My body indicated otherwise, but I felt down deep that I should have been born a girl. Growing up in the late 50s and early 60s in a small town and in a very religious household, telling my three older siblings, or worse my parents, that I was not sure I really should be a boy wasn’t something I felt I could do.So, I secretly dressed in my sisters’ old dance costumes that had been stored in the attic, then later in their clothes left behind when they were at college or moved out, along with some of my mother’s lingerie. I had several close calls but was never caught or found out. In high school and college, I played a lot of intramural sports and enjoyed some of what being a guy offered, but never felt like I fit in at all. I kept people at arm’s length so they wouldn’t get close enough to discover the real me. The crossdressing was very limited during those years, but not at all the feelings of being in the wrong body by some cruel twist of fate.When I dropped out of college, it took a while, but eventually I was able to get my own place near Emory University in Atlanta, GA. I had also fallen in love with a wonderful woman (not from Atlanta) I met by chance and who somehow agreed to marry me 40 years ago. The apartment I had in Atlanta allowed me to fully dress for the first time, including makeup a wig, and heels. But I was still petrified of telling anyone or going out, and I was afraid to shave off any body hair.

I’m ashamed to say I never told my wife about my wanting to express a feminine side or felt like I would make a better woman than the man I was trying so hard to be. Our careers took us to Houston, Texas eventually where I went back to college to get an engineering degree while I was working full-time. I had some opportunities to dress off and on during those years. Fast forward to 2015, when we lived in South Carolina and I had an opportunity to dress nights and weekends for several months when my wife went to help family in her home area in South Louisiana. I tried breast forms and butt/hip padding along with all the other clothes, shapewear, shoes, wig, etc. I was so hooked on transforming myself into a passable woman that it scared me. I abruptly purged everything one night and determined that I couldn’t continue, or I would not be able to stop, even for work or my wife’s sake.

That purge lasted for 6 years. Finally, at the beginning of 2021, I just as abruptly began purchasing everything I had before and then some. We had relocated to the Pittsburgh metro area, and the pandemic forced me to work from home, but my wife was working outside the home and sometimes gone for 12–13 hours. I would get myself dolled up before my workday started and clean everything up before my wife got back home. I knew if she had something that caused her to come home early, there would be no possible way to hide this from her. However, I felt like if she did learn about it, I would at least be able to stop hiding half of myself from her. I realized this time around what I had been denying for so many years. I didn’t know what to call it back then besides crossdressing. I now knew I had been suffering from gender dysphoria for more than 6 decades! I realized whether there was a way to “fix” it or not, I owed it to my wife to come out to her.

We had “the talk” in July 2021, then through discussions and therapy, I had to tell her that I couldn’t remain a part-time closeted crossdresser anymore. The feminine urges were genetic and ingrained and I needed to start HRT and at a minimum socially transition.

We had other issues somewhat unrelated (although I think most of my problems interacting with others stemmed from my discomfort being male) and we will be physically separate this summer. We love each other and she is supportive, however, she needs her own space to figure out what she wants and needs. She isn’t physically attracted to other women so it’s doubtful we’ll cohabitate in future.

We may elect to stay married for some of the financial benefits. As for me, I have come out to almost all of my medical team. I’ve been on spironolactone since late November and estradiol since early March. Even a few months ago, my wife saying she needs to move out would have driven me into a spiral of guilt and depression. While I am not happy with the situation, I know we both need this space and time. I don’t know if it’s the hormones or just personal growth but I am resigned to the changes and just as determined that nothing will interfere with my need to transition.

So, at 66 years of age, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up — a confident, contented transwoman!

Thank you for taking time to read my article and I look forward to hear your responses.

En Femme Style

Sincerely, Brielle

 

 

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Angela Booth
Member
Trusted Member
1 year ago

Brielle, We have taken different paths in life but harbored that one aim. I haven’t the complication of marriage yet had those insecurities about coming out as the real person. It took years to slowly open that door to come out to people in a slow and methodical manner. Then, at sixty, retirement and an opportunity arose for me to not only appear but work as the person I always dreamed of. It is never easy but once you cannot deny your feelings you have to express the right to live as the person you always were. Than you for… Read more »

Lauren Mugnaia
Duchess
Active Member
1 year ago

Oh Brie, once again we find our mutual selves on very similar paths! I can echo much of what you’ve shared. I am now living separated from my spouse, who, like yours, wants to stay married but not live together. I am living as Lauren full time and, although I am filled with great joy at finally being able to live as the trans woman I am, there is certainly a period of adjustment that we go through! Thank you once again for sharing so much of your own journey with us, love you girl!

Hugs,
Lauren M

Aurora Borealis
Duchess
Member
1 year ago

Very touching story Brie. Although I’ve no plan to ever transition, I understand something of the identity struggles you had. After about a year or so of being seriously CD. Aurora B.

Cassie Jayson
Duchess
Trusted Member
1 year ago

Brielle, once again a wonderful story. Your story is so similar to mine. After decades of crossdressing only once in a while, 3 years ago I got serious, dressing more and more. started to go out in public. Came out to most of my family. Now I want to socially transition, not sure about HRT and going under the knife is to much ( or is it ??????). I’ll be 68 in 3 months, wish I would have started some of this years ago while the body was in better shape.

. Cassie

Camryn Occasionnel
Duchess
Active Member
1 year ago

Thanks, Brielle, for sharing your journey of femme self-discovery. To my eye, you’ve already grown up into that confident transwoman you’d always hoped to be. And now that you’ve arrived, you have only to enjoy being there!

Hugs and warmest regards,
 — Camryn Occasionnel

Lauren Mugnaia
Duchess
Active Member
1 year ago
Reply to  Brielle Ross

Hi Brie, I have to giggle myself regarding feeling like I’m being “examined" and judged. I went to Costco yesterday with my new landlady and her daughter, who I work with. I was wearing one of my “crazy" wigs and my cheetah print flats, my long nails are also always “on display", so I was definitely attracting some attention and pretty sure I was being judged after the examination. But, as you say, we just have to relax and enjoy being where we are, and who we are!

Roberta Broussard
Duchess
Noble Member
1 year ago

My heart goes out to you Brielle, keep the faith. God can help you thru this.

Roberta Broussard
Duchess
Noble Member
1 year ago
Reply to  Brielle Ross

Geaux Tigers

Michelle McQueen
Member
Michelle McQueen
1 year ago

Thanks for sharing Brielle. You look great and your happiness shows through. Your story is so similar with so many others here even though most cannot transition our hearts are with you and support you.

Leonara
Ambassador
Trusted Member
1 year ago
Reply to  Brielle Ross

Brielle, I sincerely believe your posts and articles are an inspiration.. for those curious to transition or dress 24/7 to be their true self your sharing your experience is so welcome… your writing telling “ like it is” is so well written… looking forward to your next installment on your trans woman journey warmest regards, Leonara

Janet Hose
Lady
Member
1 year ago

You are very brave and you look very content and natural as a woman!

Janet Hose
Lady
Member
1 year ago
Reply to  Brielle Ross

Great, I don’t know where my journey will take me, but I sit at work wishing I was in a dress with hose and heels on. Probably going to go buy some makeup today and dress later.

Holly Morris
Member
Holly Morris
1 year ago

Brielle, thank you for sharing your journey with us. I’m sorry to hear that you and your wife will be separated over the summer, but I can understand how she feels (I think all of us who walk this path understand that). I celebrate your path and journey ahead of you and wish I could do the same, but at this time in my life I don’t have the ability to take the next steps like you have. I wish you every joy and happiness, even though the path ahead may still be rocky for you.
Hugs,
Holly

Lynn Of PA
Lady
Member
1 year ago

Brielle. Thanks for such a personal story, that, hopefully, will help many trans women out there take the big step of transitioning, and congratulations on finding yourself and now fully embracing her. XOXO, Lynn.

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