I’m ashamed to say I never told my wife about my wanting to express a feminine side or felt like I would make a better woman than the man I was trying so hard to be. Our careers took us to Houston, Texas eventually where I went back to college to get an engineering degree while I was working full-time. I had some opportunities to dress off and on during those years. Fast forward to 2015, when we lived in South Carolina and I had an opportunity to dress nights and weekends for several months when my wife went to help family in her home area in South Louisiana. I tried breast forms and butt/hip padding along with all the other clothes, shapewear, shoes, wig, etc. I was so hooked on transforming myself into a passable woman that it scared me. I abruptly purged everything one night and determined that I couldn’t continue, or I would not be able to stop, even for work or my wife’s sake.
That purge lasted for 6 years. Finally, at the beginning of 2021, I just as abruptly began purchasing everything I had before and then some. We had relocated to the Pittsburgh metro area, and the pandemic forced me to work from home, but my wife was working outside the home and sometimes gone for 12–13 hours. I would get myself dolled up before my workday started and clean everything up before my wife got back home. I knew if she had something that caused her to come home early, there would be no possible way to hide this from her. However, I felt like if she did learn about it, I would at least be able to stop hiding half of myself from her. I realized this time around what I had been denying for so many years. I didn’t know what to call it back then besides crossdressing. I now knew I had been suffering from gender dysphoria for more than 6 decades! I realized whether there was a way to “fix” it or not, I owed it to my wife to come out to her.
We had “the talk” in July 2021, then through discussions and therapy, I had to tell her that I couldn’t remain a part-time closeted crossdresser anymore. The feminine urges were genetic and ingrained and I needed to start HRT and at a minimum socially transition.
We had other issues somewhat unrelated (although I think most of my problems interacting with others stemmed from my discomfort being male) and we will be physically separate this summer. We love each other and she is supportive, however, she needs her own space to figure out what she wants and needs. She isn’t physically attracted to other women so it’s doubtful we’ll cohabitate in future.
We may elect to stay married for some of the financial benefits. As for me, I have come out to almost all of my medical team. I’ve been on spironolactone since late November and estradiol since early March. Even a few months ago, my wife saying she needs to move out would have driven me into a spiral of guilt and depression. While I am not happy with the situation, I know we both need this space and time. I don’t know if it’s the hormones or just personal growth but I am resigned to the changes and just as determined that nothing will interfere with my need to transition.
So, at 66 years of age, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up — a confident, contented transwoman!
Thank you for taking time to read my article and I look forward to hear your responses.
Sincerely, Brielle
More Articles by Brielle
- My New Name
- Pittsburgh Trans Pride Swim Party
- MY WEEK AT THE 2022 KEYSTONE CONFERENCE
- Coming Out to My Daughter as Trans
- First Time Out in Public!
Brielle,i am new to this Community and felt so touched by your story!!!! Some of us go through life having hidden our true selves only for the mood to overtake us just as it has done with me! At fast approaching 60,i have had no where near the barriers you have faced and i’m only a late developing CD! However,Anna has been inside me for 40+ years but Brielle has been YOU for most of your life! If only i can enjoy a rewarding life like you but for me,it will stop at the dressing and i am happy! Love… Read more »
Wait… for a 66 year old! LoL!! Seriously, thank you for such a warm reply to the article. That was the message I was trying to get across – we are all on a life-long journey of discovery and fulfillment. Some of us fall into their best life at an early age, some later. As long as we find some measure of peace and contentment we have done well!
Hugs,
Brie
Brieille l am 67 and in the same way l have been cross dressing for a long while now but my wife and all my friends do not know about this side of my life as she works and l am now retired.. l do not want to hurt her in any way and would love to tell her about my cross dressing. l want her to know but know she would not understand so keep it hidden.
Hi Tiffiny, I understand perfectly. I swore I’d take the secret to my grave to spare my wigfe and daughter from dealing with it. But nature will out and the plan changed!
I admire all who can keep it separate. I’m happy for my future, but wish it could be different in many ways.
thankyou Brielle
Hi Brielle. Thanks for putting your story out there, as they say, better late than never, I wish you all the best on your journey and hope you rest at the place you dream of. X
Thank you, Lissa!
I love this Brielle!! Thank you for sharing. It’s amazing to hear such a similar story to what I am going through. Best of luck and much love!
Stef
Thanks, Stephanie. You too!
Hi Bielle, what a wonderful article I loved it. it’s amazing looking back on our youth and asking ourselves what if, should I have, could I have and will I with my time left. For me they are still all unanswered but I am very happy for you. Have a wonderful week.
Love,
Trish
Hi Trish, thanks so much!
Hi Bri, I am not sure what to say, other than thank you for sharing your story. I have had similar thoughts since I was a young boy. I have been dressing on and off since I was 10. After my 30-year-old daughter passed away 4 years ago my dressing went up another level. I am not sure if it was the stress or realizing that life can change in an instant. I purchased many pairs of heels and dresses and skirts to dress in. Every time I dressed it just seemed right. Of course, my wife tolerates my dressing… Read more »
Hi Yael, oh I’m so sorry about your daughter! Mine turns 30 in a few weeks. I don’t know if I could go on if something happened to her at that age. You must be an incredibly strong girl, indeed! There is a transformation service here in Pittsburgh I’d like to try someday, M2F Fantasy. She does her work out of her place and will dress also and take the client out as well. But I’ll have to save up for all that! I do enjoy our local monthly meetings because I can be totally free of outside concerns for… Read more »
Thank you for your comments about my daughter. I thought the same thing when my best friend lost his son. I do not consider myself a strong woman. I put one foot in front of the other each day. I have bad days and not so bad days. My dressing allows me to relax and feel good about myself. With my wife babysitting our granddaughter twice a week it does give me some time to indulge in my feminine side. I so agree with most of your points. My wife and I do love each other. We have a great… Read more »
HI brielle, as you say some of us take a lifetime to find our true self. Congratulations on finding Brielle. Wi sh you happiness and also a life where your beautiful spouse will realize what a b eautiful person you are. Cohabitation in some form, or lunch dates, weekends away.
Best wishes
Jane
Thank you, Jane! very sweet!!
Hello Brielle, I want to thank you for your words today; you speak volumes, and those words come from the heart! You and I share a lot of similarities, and we were friends when I was on here before. I believe you knew me as Sylvia Lynne. I’m back as my original self, and I hope to make sense of all of this. As you say, know what I want to be, when I grow up. I’m about to turn 64, and I hope I can work this out this time. Keep the faith, sister-friend!
Hi Kendra! Thank so much. Looking forward to catching up!!
Brielle, Congratulations on finally knowing what you want to be when you grow up. I’m 58 and still haven’t decided. But seriously, thanks for sharing your journey. I hope the path leads to a happy place where you can keep your SO in your life (It sounds like that’s wage you want). The roots of my crossdressing are very old, as well. The plant just seemed to remain underground, in a dormant state, before it finally sprouted and bloomed in relatively recent times, considering my age. Although, I will say, that my feminine side is not, nor has it ever… Read more »
Hi Raquel, that is so nice that you can be happy with things as is. I’m happy with where I’m headed, but I am jealous of your less (or no?) gender dysphoria. Thanks for the sentiment. I have a feeling that we will eventually get back together as spouses. She needs space and time, but I know she is not happy being apart already, and we haven’t finalized the moves yet! I do well being to myself (as most CDs are, I expect) and entertaining myself. She is not. She has no friend base or family out in the town… Read more »
Brielle, You are more brave then me, I am 59 and have been hiding All my life. I want to confront my fears and be a women but have not as of yet. I am very close tho and your story is an inspiration, thanks for the post. Brooke
Hi Brooke, thanks but I guess I feel like if I were brave, I’d have faced my “demons" decades ago and not continued to hide and deny what was going on. But I suppose I’m being brave now, so I do appreciate yiu saying so.
I’ve been fortunate that I haven’t encountered anything grossly negative yet. But that may yet come. Hopefully I can be brave then!
Hugs,
Brie
Brie,
You should be proud of the steps you have taken. I am trying to now, thanks to people like yourself that already have., Hugs and kisses Brooke
Hi Brooke, I guess I feel like I am brave about some things – I’m brave and proud about what I want now. I know I have to move forward and make my life to be what it needs to be. I can’t be afraid anymore – especially to be there for people following along behind, who are so appreciative, like you, GF! Thank you!
Brie