When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Crossdresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.
EDITOR NOTE: Crossdresser Heaven has a program exclusively for Significant Others. You’ll be able to discuss issues in private with other SOs. Explore our Significant Other Program and contact JaneS if you are interested or would like further information. We would love to welcome you.
More Articles by Vanessa Law
- 7 Essential Tips to Crossdressing
- Win a Free Makeup Prize Bundle from Jecca Blac
- A Few Changes in Our Family
- I Want to Live Like That
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness
> Crossdressing often times slows down > as one grows into their twenties I wish someone had told me that when I was 22 🙂 Joking aside, I think (and to use a cliche) in my heart of hearts, I knew that I’d be back. So, thanks for sharing. I met my future wife when we were both in our 20s. At that time I was – for want of a better word – ‘clean’ or ‘straight’. I really thought I could stay on the wagon but much later on…. ‘course we all know how that little tale ended. 🙂… Read more »
Hehe 🙂 Yes. There’s always that small hope we have out grown cross dressing.
I can relate to what you’re saying – I think the thrill of going out with someone we’ll grow to love makes us forget about cross dressing. Mis leading us into thinking that we’re “cured".
You said it right – if you keep talking and compromise. I think because we’re forced to do that with cross dressing, it may actually build a stronger marriage.
Thanks for you comments Lynn, I enjoy reading them!
Hugs,
Vanessa
I crossdress, it turns me on, but i hate myself for it
Hi Vanessa~ My question is this, in a nutshell, he told me lastnight…I find it fantastic and have no issues with it….but, he said something that really boggles my mind and I can’t find any answers..I asked him if he would like me to shop for him for some welcome home gifts and he said yes…tops and bottoms..*trying to be discreet here*, he also said that was part of “the thrill, the attention"..what does that mean? Attention from who? Men, women, other CD’s, people in general? I am struggling with ths, because I don’t want a bombshell later if you… Read more »
Hi Vanessa Thought i would tell you our story. I told my wife(M) when i first met her, before we had even thought of getting married or even engaged. It was a slow process at first as i introduced her to Elaine and my ‘extended’ wardrobe, which i believe ultimately helped her deal with any concerns. As time went on i became more confident with who i was and i can only put this down to M! as she gradually changed my wardrobe and made me look younger and more stylish in the process. We have great fun when we… Read more »
My husband is a wonderful man and he told me early in our relationship about his love of wearing womens attire. I love him emmensly, we just got married and want to start a family. How do any of you recommend discussing the crossdressing to our children? I don’t want to keep it from them but I don’t want them to feel different from their classmates once they are in school.
Tammy, What a wonderful and important question. We all worry about hour our actions and lifestyles will affect our children. I was worried about the exact same thing at one time in my life and will share with you the advice I received from my psychologist. First your children will sense the emotions you and your husband feel about his dressing, so the two of you need to be completely honest with each other about how those feelings and how it effects you both of your lives emotionally. Your level of acceptance will be projected out onto your children, if… Read more »
I am afraid I will lose my man. I knew he cross dressed for a long time, but now its getting so where he listens to someone that is a shemale and thinks its ok to like…do his brows and stuff ( I LIKE his freaking eyebrows the way they are). Maybe I am a baby about it but I really don't like that part of it. Its enough that I accept that he cross dresses, but now its getting worse, to the point where he removed his body hair (which was perfect the way it was if you ask… Read more »
Hi hon,
Sorry to hear that he's taking it further than you'd like. Have you had an opportunity to talk openly with him about this?
It's not unheard of for part time crossdressers to want to take it further, but he owes it to you to be open about his intents.
Hugs,
Vanessa
In fairness, women don't want to have to get permission to change their hair color…to get multiple piercings…or even to get a tattoo. It's their bodies, after all. How would you feel if your man demanded you shave a certain way, or at a specific time? It's controlling behavior, no matter WHO is demanding it. Life is too short to be hung up on a goatee! It's body hair, for Pete's sake! Maybe you're too young to appreciate the bigger picture, but missing out on a loving relationship for want of stubble is a mistake you'd someday see…after it's too… Read more »
I am Devika’s wife. In fact, when I knew that my husband (Komali Devika) is crossdresser, I was disappointed. However, as he has been good in bed as man, I thought there was no harm allowing him to dress him in saree. I encouraged him. I allowed him to grow his hair. I named him Devika, while in dress. Some times we (two ladies) go for shopping also. Now he is having mid-back length hair and also have a medium sized breast also. I do not use breast forms or any stuff for his breast. I use only padded bra,… Read more »
Hey some boys pull off an androginous look with long hair and sometimes facial hair too, think about Ville Valo, Brian Molko, Jared Leto, etc.
Short beard could go well with flamboyant, it maybe not outhright “feminine" outfits, or with some cleavage or gothic outfits. And also go creative with eyeshadow and nail polish too, if you want. If you groom yourself enough, a short beard will not pos an obstacle to the look. It’s even more assertive of our likeness to dress outside common code even as males.
Very simple(how children prefer)—Playing dressup–
Our kids/grandkids–friends kids& their parents seem to accept that explanation quite well-
Why do some folks consider this Shameful or harmful?
It’s not like it hurts anyone or is harmful-just differant!
Well, I am in a difficult position, my Wife doesn’t know yet and on the other side I’m afraid to tell Her because it seems to me that She wouldn’t like the news. Of course, when I’m home alone I use Her’s nylons and garters (which I bought for Her ‘cos I told Her I like it madly – but I never told Her I like to wear it also 🙂 her shoes (with a little of pain because these are smaller) and I dream about She and I going out at the evening and me wearing her pantyhose under… Read more »
Hi Gaia, First, thank you for being so accepting and loving of your husband. It’s wonderful that you find it fantastic! Before I get into your question I think this is a great time to do some research – Peggy Rudd’s book above as well as the book “My Husband Betty" – https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/best-cross-dressing-book-my-husband-betty/ are both good resources. To being part of the thrill, can you give me some more context? For me personally I enjoy looking as good as I can, and attention I appreciate would be the same as any woman who had dressed nicely and was complimented on… Read more »
Thanks for sharing Elaine, your story is one of hope for many crossdressers. It’s wonderful that you have such a positive and supportive relationship with your spouse, and that you’ve been able to integrate your crossdressing into your marriage in a way that both of you can enjoy.
Hi, You should tell her soon. I told my wife before we were married. I didn’t want to hide it from her. My wife is very open minded. After the shock, she did some research on her own, and we talked about it alot. It’s great now! I’m into lingerie. She asks me if I want to get pretty, about once a week. I love to wear a bra !!! She know that. She tells me how pretty I look when I’m wearing my bra. We go bra shopping alot. It is alot of fun wearing pretty bras and panties… Read more »
I agree with Becca, that honesty is important in marriage. While timing of the decision is very personal, the longer you wait the more betrayed she will feel. And as Becca says, there could be some unexpected benefits 🙂
When I started dating my now boyfriend I never once thought, “What would I do if he was a crossdresser?". As our relationship started to grow I would go to his house and would start finding ladies panties around. I would feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I kept my mouth closed for several weeks then I could not stand it any more. I confronted him about it. He came clean about it and told me that he enjoyed dressing in women’s clothing. Acourse after I picked my jaw up off the floor I was… Read more »
Dear Vanessa I am marry to a Crossdresser and this is very difficult for me to accept. He never told me he was a CD. Before we were married i found him one night dressed up and i was very confused and furious. I thought with time this would change. I love him very much, but his CD takes over and he never knows when to stop. I am very tired that every night when i come home i find him on CD, i have told him many times that i wished that he would respect the fact that i… Read more »
Maria, Thank you for your note. I know that this is a scary and confusing time, and you have a right to feel angry at him for not telling you before you’re married. It sounds like you’re laying some of the blame, emotionally, on yourself for not accepting him. It also sounds like you’re more frustrated that he won’t listen to your concerns about CDing than with him actually being crossdressed when you get home. Him being crossdressed when you get home can be bad enough, but you may feel you’ve already told him not to, so he’s crossdressing and… Read more »
Im scared that my boyfriend only wants me for the sex. He is a CDer and is vary turned on by it. I dont care about that, im just concerned that he just wants me because i accept him and want to have sex with him, not because of who I am. I dont know if that makes sense to anyone. Please, someone tell me im crazy.
Hey Skye, I don’t know the personal situation between you and your boyfriend, but throughout history men and woman have wanted people for less noble reasons than their true inner being. Whether it’s power, money, sex or family pressure. Wanting someone because they accept who you are may be no different, and perhaps less destructive. However it is important that you feel nurtured and loved in the relationship. If the entire relationship revolves around your acceptance of his crossdressing this is not any healthier than a relationship revolving around a large trust fund. If I were to guess based on… Read more »
I will admit there is a great deal of usful information here. My question is – what is a good compromise? For many CD’s I know (myself included) what we want in some cases is to continue to dress in secret. If someone found out we would be so mortified that the thought would drive us insane. I am not a huge fan of Tri-Ess but I agree that if it is going to come down to the wife knowing – talk to a professional and more importantly to each other. You will learn a lot more about each other… Read more »
Marti: Do you mean a good compromise with your significant other? Or keeping it secret from others?
Personally, I don’t think there is one “right" answer, and the degree to which you crossdress in front of your spouse and in public (or crossdresser clubs like Tri-Ess) is entirely dependent on what you are your wife feel comfortable with. Does anyone else have thoughts on this?
Hi, I am new to this site, but am finding a lot of helpful posts and info, so thank you. I am a wife of a CD and have many questions that I hope to get some advice/answers about. My husband told me before we got married, which I appreciate. We’ve been married for about three years,but together for about eight. It is still very difficult to see him dressed, but I do admit, that I enjoy his company and our conversations when he is dressed. My concerns are: (1) recently, his need to CD has become more intense. He… Read more »
Hi love, Thank you for writing and for being willing to try to understand your husband’s crossdressing. I can understand how you must feel right now, at least from conversations my wife and I have had about this. It’s okay for you to feel scared and uncertain. Your fear about him one day wanting to be a woman is not unfounded. Truth be told, most crossdressers take a long time to accept themselves, much less discover who they want to be. There are many men who are quite content as crossdressers with no urge to have a sex change, even… Read more »
Helo Alohagirl: I must admit that my hubby also look at porn like that I spoke to him about it – but i he is not sure why u do it – I have started to introduce a anal toy in our play as i read on the web that a man's (gspot) is anal but i use the toy on him not all the time but we have fun together – but i luv him just the way he is and accept him – the only concern i have like u is about the porn and just sometimes wish… Read more »
My husband is a crossdresser. He never told me he was and we were married 25 years when I learned. The only reason he told me was because someone we both knew saw him at a place he apparently was going. I was calm and listen. I tried to understand and tried to live with it. But, I don’t think I can. He tells me he is no longer going there and he has not done it since. I believe him but I know he wants to. He has seeked help through therapy. I feel like he cheated on me.… Read more »
My boyfriend just told me on Sunday that he is a crossdreser. He said he has been wanting to tell me for a while (we’ve been together 1.5 years) but didn’t know how. I’m not freaked out or anything, should I be? He and I don’t tell each other we love one another because I can’t stand the thought of telling him that I do and getting no response from him. Now that I know he is a crossdresser could this be part of the reason? He didn’t want to get too close because we could’ve broken up when he… Read more »
Hi, My hubby is a cder and I am so confused by this.I just don’t get it.I feel like the guy here.when I go shopping for clothes he’s always looking for him.When I put something nice on he dosen’t say that looks good he looks at me and says I wish I could wear that. You know how that makes me feel, Like I’m not the woman here.what makes men do this?
Glinda