When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Crossdresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.
EDITOR NOTE: Crossdresser Heaven has a program exclusively for Significant Others. You’ll be able to discuss issues in private with other SOs. Explore our Significant Other Program and contact JaneS if you are interested or would like further information. We would love to welcome you.
More Articles by Vanessa Law
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I began dressing as a girl when I was 10 and when I was 14 my girl-friend dressed me as a girl for halloween with her not knowing I had already done it many times.I enjoyed the thought of being dressed as a girl BY A girl and after the party she wouldn’t let me take off the skirt and wig,pantyhose and heels as she told me she thought i was cute dressed as a girl and should let her dress me more often.I later told her that I LIKE to dress up (crossdress) as I showed her all my… Read more »
I found a picture of my husband dressed in women’s clothing on his laptop. The pic was cropped from the chin down. But make no mistake it is him! I tried not to act shocked, even though I was so hurt that this secret had been kept from me. I asked him if it was him, told him he looked sexy. He kept saying “That’s not me!" -We endeed up having sex right there in his office. I don’t know if he was turned on or trying to change the focus..?? Anyway, I have tried to talk to him about… Read more »
Hi Jennifer, He’s such a lucky guy to have someone as understanding as you. Oftentimes crossdressing can be full of shame for men. Even though you know and are accepting, he may not accept himself. You don’t say how long you have known, but if you found out only recently, then perhaps he’s still getting comfortable, and a while longer of support and understanding will help him open up. You might also want to make it safe for him to admit – let him know that you won’t think less of him, or think in any way he’s not a… Read more »
I embrace my husbands cross dressing. I was his mother rather then he who told me long before we were married and I found it fascinating. He was actually quite embarrassed when I asked him about it and somewhat in denial but I soon convinced him that we all were different and I had no problem with it as a matter of fact i was dying to see him cross dressed. The main thing we discussed was that if we were going to be married we should have no secrets from each other and never be afraid to share our… Read more »
Hi! I found out after 32 years my husband cross dresses.( I stumbled on his notes) I am a senior now. Don’t know where to turn to. very hurt. He goes on sites and loooks at porn and wants to do it with someone else. I can understand abit about the cross dressing since he has kept that inside all these years. He tells me we’ll see where it goes. His goal about being with another CD or doing it doesn’t fit with the cd mode. My one son came out 4 years back. I can handle that but this… Read more »
Hello everyone, my name is rose i am 17 years old and i am married to a crossdresser i know i am young to be married but thats not why i am here i dont know what to do i love my husband so much i cant live without him. weve been married for 8 months now and well its great except for the moments he crossdresses i am not saying i hate him for what he does but i feel betrayed and self concious about myself when he does this . of course he didnt tell me before we… Read more »
Hi Rose, I know its hard, but these men really ARE very very caring individuals. Their wiring is different than normal men but that same thing that causes them to cross dress causes them to be extremely caring. I know its a shock to find out your man does that, it was kinda shocking to me when my man came out to me, but as long as he cares for you and treats you well, really, yanno ..that is pretty dang good these days. You are young, sounds trite but I know where you are coming from. My first marriage… Read more »
Hi Vanessa I’m going to try to write this without sounding naive or childish… Me and my boyfriend are both seniors in high school, and we love each other very much and have been together for three years. About three months after we got together he first tried women’s underwear (all kinds), and soon told me he really liked it because we’ve always been extremely open and honest with each other. As time goes by, he wants more and more feminine clothing. When we talk about living together in college he talks about wearing bras, skirts, tight jeans, heels, etc.… Read more »
Dear Kat, Hi, my name is Ragina. I’ve been a crossdresser for a verylong time and I have enjoyed it. I can understand your fears about him “going gay". There is always that chance, but more often than not, this will be a heterosexual thing. The best advice I can give you now is to sit down and have a long talk with him and find out exactly where his head is at. Also, there are several very good books available that discuss the subject of crossdressing and relationships in greater depth. Trust the love you have for each other,… Read more »
Dear Kat, It seems the hardest stereotypes for crossdressers to deal with are the “he must be bi/gay" or “he wants to be a woman". When I started crossdressing at age 13 I had NO ONE I could talk to. Back in the early 70’s if I would have tried talking to someone about it, they probably would have had me commited. Knowing there was a big gap between myself being a kid and that one thing every cd dreams of, ACCEPTANCE, and as I was being a kid that enjoyed wearing lingerie and stuff I felt for sure I… Read more »
Kat,,,,,, Also I wanted to say that people dont suddenly decide to “go gay", thats like crossdressing, we dont wake up one day and decide to “become a crossdresser", if its something we have in our own minds then it has been instilled in our minds long before. Me for example, I was born a crossdresser, I just didnt act on the thoughts and emotions I had about crossdressing until I did. So did I wake up one day and decide to become a crossdresser ? No, One day I acted on the curiosity I had about what it would… Read more »
I like to have my toenails painted and think all guys should paint their toenails. I also like to wear panties. My wife is okay with it, we been married over 25 years. I'm not gay nor bi.
I do the same thing…I wear things that can be concealed when in public if I'm not expressing my femiinine side. I love to wear anklets, belly bands, etc.
I thought I hit the jackpot when I was 23 years old and met my wife. She was my dream girl; beautiful, smart, and kinky. Most important to this discussion is she was the girl who brought my female side out. She helped pick out my wig and clothes, taught me how to do my makeup, taught me how to walk, sit and so on like a proper lady. She encouraged me to get dressed up. She also liked playing BDSM games with me dressed . Sounds like heaven doesn’t it? But time passed and at some point it dawned… Read more »
I luv my hubby, and as I call her my best friend we have been married for 18 and would not want to change him – I think i am a lucky woman to have the best of both worlds a stunning hubby and a special friend – I am so sorry for the way things have turned out for u and the way u have to live ur life and thanks for the web address but i don't want to go and read negative emails. I want to read this site all the good stuff – I just sometimes… Read more »
I just learned that my husband for almost 6years is a cross dresser guy. I’m in deep shock and until now it won’t sink in my head. If only I can change what I just saw…and I wish I haven’t seen it.. but he told me he’s not gay, and so i believe on it. maybe in time, i will totally accept it. what should i do now?
Hi Sandy, I’m Ragina, a crossdresser for many years. I know that you have recieved quite a shock finding out that your husband is a crossdresser. It seems clear that he said that he’s not gay, so you need to believe him there. Most crossdressing men aren’t. My best advice to you right now is to spend time with him and find out exactly where his head is at and what he wants as far as his crossdressing. Also, spend some time educating yourself about the wide world of crossdressing. There are several very good books available on the subject.… Read more »
I dress as a girl for several reasons .firstly i love the feel of fabrics andfreedom. Second the lovely colours that I can neverwear as a male. thirdly ,my wife lets me and is helpfull ,and likes me more. Fourthly, I feel superior to men in that I am more attractive.I would be interested in feedback on Sophiegirl146@yahoo.co.uk
I found out my husband was a cross dresser about 3 years after we married, but I thought it was very "minor"–panties here and there and a little lingerie at times, but no makeup, etc.. Several years later (about 9), he confessed that he goes all out when I'm not home–makeup, lingerie, regular women's clothing over that, etc. He combines this with some anal stimulation. He assured me he is not gay and I know that he isn't. I have fully embraced this side of him. There are times he just wants to feel feminine and special. When we have… Read more »
Good for you K. It would be so fun to go out in public with your wife while wearing her lingerie and clothing. It would be sexy and erotic to share those moments with your wife. I wear a lot of my wifes panties, stockings with garter, camisol and occaissional teddy. I am lucky that my wife and I are very close in size so I don’t stretch out her lingerie. I am pretty well endowed and my wife loves to see my package wrapped in her silky panties or falling out of one of her teddies. Some day maybe… Read more »
It's not fair for a person on either side of this to wither and die while the other flourishes, and I fear too often it is the wife whose spirit is damaged if not sacrificed due to low self-esteem, powerlessness, the fact of having children to mutually raise, or some ideal of "duty" or being a "good wife" that keeps them in a position that asks them to "give" more than they are possibly able to. Crossdressing seems to be quite a selfish and narcissistic endeavor, and it's all too easy for a wife's needs and feelings tend to be… Read more »
Yes I so agree! Like you said, I didn’t know i was hurting my kids but now I know but it’s too late/ They are grown and have moved out.