When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Crossdresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.
EDITOR NOTE: Crossdresser Heaven has a program exclusively for Significant Others. You’ll be able to discuss issues in private with other SOs. Explore our Significant Other Program and contact JaneS if you are interested or would like further information. We would love to welcome you.
More Articles by Vanessa Law
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- A Few Changes in Our Family
- I Want to Live Like That
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness
I would advise wives to GET A THERAPIST and work through their feelings and start rebuilding their self-esteem so they have the strength to make an informed decision about what role they're comfortable playing in this relationship and whether they should prepare to get out of the marriage if the damage to their own self will be too great. Women have historically tended to nobly "stand by their man" , but there'll need to be a lot of communication and mutual respect to make sure that EVERYONE'S needs–with no secrets held back "for later"–are expressed so that a couple can… Read more »
CONT……….He went to therapy and explored the issues I only went to 2 sessions as we thought it was his problem that he wanted to overcome. Now never at any point did I say to hime he could never do it again, as i thought its something he has been doing since he was little, i thought it would be a need. OI told him not to suppress it if it was a need because it would be worse. But he reassured me after his therapy had finished that he would never do it again it wasn't a big part… Read more »
CONT>>……. So we wnt on with life after therapy had finished, i never asked if he had done it again, or if he missed it or did any further research on the matter. But i have oftern wondered if he has done it again when i wasnt home and hiding it. We traveled alot andkept busy but during 2 years after finding out I went into depression with self image and confidence issues. when i was out of depression 4 years ago we decided to have a child and i fell into depression again for 2 years after i had… Read more »
I’ve been married to across dresser for over 25 years. My experience is that my"acceptance" of this has come at the expense of our sex life. He has ED except he seems to prefer to dress up no problem and gets his jollies. Then he tells me that I have to get him some Cialis myself if I want sex. At this point I’m tired and don’t feel like I should have to prep him for sex like he’s doing me a favor. It’s very sad to be in a marriage like this. I don’t want to cheat on him… Read more »
3 weeks ago my husband asked if he could wear one of my nighties, I was not really shocked or anything like that and said OK. We had not been intimate for a long time but a lot of it was due to the fact that I had been ill and then when I got better I guess we did not know how to approach each other again, sounds weird I know but that’s how it felt. I kind of suspected that he liked wearing women’s underwear as I had come across some suspicious purchase receipts but I was not… Read more »
In reply to Zara Permit me to inject some clear food for thought ideas you may not have pondered. As you have mentioned, you have a great deal of life invested in each other, and that is great. Back when you two first got together, was there any kind of an unusual understanding in him showing in regards to your needs. If so that was the first tell tale signs of a unspoken but deeper understanding of women laying deep inside of him. Further imagine someone trying to explain something to you that they don’t fully understand themselves. A lot… Read more »
Right before I was married I found a pair of panties in my husbands stuff. When I asked him about it, he said he likes to wear them. First shocked… then I accepted it, for a while. But everytime I felt he was wearing them, I didn’t want to touch him. There is something so femine about it that to me, he doesn’t look attractive anymore. So, he stopped and we got married. Our daughter was 10 months at the time. But it seems he is still cross dressing because I found more items… this time it was worse. He… Read more »
Dear Aubre The decision to leave a marriage is a very momentous one. Yet I cannot say it is not the thing to do given your strong feelings about “xd-ing". The reason your husband hides his continuing desires is his awareness that you don’t prefer him in feminine clothing and he thus doesn’t wish to embarass himself or make you uncomfortable. His behavior is understandable just as your feeling about a man in woman’s clothing is as well. There is no solution other than to dissolve the relationship in my view in order that you both a freed to pursue… Read more »
Hi Mandee, My husband had been acting differently for about 2 months. He seemd more irratable & unfocused alot. I asked him what was going on and he said he didn’t know. He’d just lost 55 lbs. over a 5 month time frame as a result of finding out he was a fullblown diabetic. He also was dealing with an almost nonexistant amount of testosterone in his body (& getting low does injections to regulate that)as well as dealing with ED. (& now having to take Viagra) However our sex life became nonexistant for 6 months. He was withdrawn and… Read more »
Dear Aubre, There can be a happy ending.) I felt very simliar when my husband 1st told me a few years after we married. I “allowed” it for a while and then gave him the ultimatum…CD or me. He chose me and I fully believed he had quit. 2 children, post-pardum depression, & a very rocky patch followed. Then we got our relationship back on track. It was perfect until the night he told me he was still dressing. This was 1 year ago. I didn’t react to what he told me, so he thought it was ok. I was… Read more »
I met a man online about a year ago. Initially when we met, he portrayed himself as a woman. We connected right away and eventually he told me the truth that he was a man and that he had feelings for being a female since he was a child. A few months later he shared more with me that he not only felt those feelings but had acted on the by cross dressing. Although I have a strong desire and need to be with a man who possesses certain qualities (which he does). I have also for many years desired… Read more »
Lio,
We are in the same situation. My wife accepted my crossdressing, helps me buy and is my best girlfriend. When it comes to me being male and having to do make things – I step up and assume my responsibilities. Our sex life is perhaps enhanced because of it (we live out a lot of fantasies) Honesty is the best policy. I’m sorry if i don;t fit the “Norm" but i’ve been dressing since 12 – love it – enjoy it and feel that way with my best girl.
Zara,
One last thing you might want to keep in mind. Many husbands really don’t know how to put into words what they feel. and when fillrd with frustrations, it seems many men always strike out and hurt the ones they love the most. Maybe not phisically, but in words and actions.
And lastly please hold on to this thought, The highest compliment anybody can give someone else is to copy what and how they are or dress.
Hugs and help, Joan Brooks
I have just leant that my husband likes 2 dress up in womans cloths it is hard 4 me 2 understand and he has people he can talk 2 but i havent got any 1 i cant tell friends or family about it i love him so much and im really scared and would like sum help would like 2 talk 2 people in the same boat but dont know were 2 go or who 2 go 2
Hey sweetie, take a look at https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/about/crossdresser-support-groups/ – there are support groups listed around the country. Hopefully you’ll find one close to where you live.
Blessings
Vanessa
Hi I married my husband knowing he was a CD. I loved him deeply and he hated himself so much for the cross dressing that I just wanted him to love himself as much as I loved him. I encouraged it, I helped him get items. I was the one who rented a room in toronto at ‘Walk on the Wild Side" where the owner put the makeup on and provided a wig and we went out to a Drag Show and had a great time. From that point on, we had fun with it, sex was fantastic. However, he… Read more »
Hi Lyne, My story has changed dramatically. It went from hubby telling me he’s a crossdresser to he wants a sex change to we need to go our separate way. He has turned my life upside down and inside out. We are getting divorced and I devoted 7 years of my life with him. I thought we could work all this out~ we can’t. I’ve beent though many emotions in a short period of time. I was told in December and now it’s only March. I loved him so much and thought we’d “grow old" together. He’d rather play with… Read more »
I feel for you, I would never do this to my supporting girlfriend.
Hi! I just found out that my husband likes to cross dress we’ve been married for seven years and i feel betrayed I don’t know what to do. We have two kids I thought we had a great marriage I love him I don’t want to lose him but I don’t know if I can deal with it. It’s been seven wonderful years can u give me some advice. I feel like I lost em like I don’t know him or maybe I never really knew him what should I do.
You do not need to think that you do not have a great marriage; you do have a great marriage and it can only get better now. He told you the most agonizing secret he can ever have to you because he loves you. He may have also have had a lot of guilt by not telling you and knows that you feel betrayed but he loved you enough to tell you. It is only one aspect of him and if you think closely it is a great aspect that I am sure you can grow to love because you… Read more »