When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Crossdresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.
EDITOR NOTE: Crossdresser Heaven has a program exclusively for Significant Others. You’ll be able to discuss issues in private with other SOs. Explore our Significant Other Program and contact JaneS if you are interested or would like further information. We would love to welcome you.
More Articles by Vanessa Law
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- I Want to Live Like That
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Making Marriage with a Crossdresser – Work and Thrive Ladies and Gentlemen, Here are a few tips on how crossdressing has worked in my marriage of 23 years. I realize that everyone is different and we come with all sorts of baggage. I am extremely fortunate to have found my soul mate and to be part of the marriage where love has grown stronger every year. Crossdressing is not a focus, but it is a facet of our relationship. My wife could not understand me without understanding my need to crossdress. We were friends first, started dating after her divorce… Read more »
Well said Alana.. I’m on the same page..
My husband is a cross dresser that desnt bother me at all. What I am having a problem with is the spending of money it would be the same complaint no matter what the fetish or hobby was. He is uncomfortable. About his cross dressing. I don’t know how to get him to be ok with it that it doesn’t matter it doesn’t change his heart but to understand he can’t buy everything we have kids and bills. Anyone with any ideas for help.
Oh and the spending and he still hides and lies is ruining our marriage. I loove him and want a way for this to work
Oh honey, you’re in a tough situation. It sounds like you’ve had some good conversations with him already, which is normally the first step. Do you think it would help to sit down with him and budget spending for his feminine items? Help him to put it in context with the kids and bills. I wonder if making him seem accepted would help him stop hiding the spending from you.
This is tricky, because as you say it could be any hobby that he could do this. Best of luck dear!
Im sad. Ive known 6years that hes a CD. Ive even tried to help by getting dressed up with him. I love the way he is. He is very uncomfortable being CD doesnt do it at all juet buys clothes alot even with a closet full. I get angry cause of the money spent and then never wears it. I have now started sleeping in another room so he can have time to himself and be happy. Its killing me inside all i do is cry now. I want to be partners i wamt honesty i want openness. Am i… Read more »
Oh Kris, I can feel your pain coming through so clearly, and my heart goes out to you dear. I’m not sure if it’s because he is a CD, though my guess would be that there is something else keeping him from being able to be honest. Most crossdressers would love to have their significant other involved in that part of their life. Does he belong to any crossdresser organizations or support groups? That might be a way for him to become more comfortable with himself and open up to you. If you’re in a large city you can probably… Read more »
I too was married to a CD. WHen he began to “reveal" himself to me, always in bed, I found it a playful game, him slipping on my panties and having sex with me, but in a few short months I was angry and fed up! I felt I has been decieved when I married him, and It began to bother me so much I divorced him. Time past, I began dating, and always in the back of my mind, I wondered if my date liked to dress up too. My ex- and I actually became better friends after the… Read more »
My husband is a crossdresser and I found out after 30 years of marriage. I am so angry, and resentful about this lie. I would have never married him had I known. So, now what. Thanks alot there Bub…you should have told me. Thanks a whole hell of alot.
Hi Mary, I can feel your pain as you ponder on this matter. I have always felt that as a crossdresser that everyone I have ever gotten involved in on an intimate or emotional level should be informed and know about this part of me right away so that the woman would know this in advance about me. Honesty as always worked for me and I have never had any surprises with those that are and were significant others to me. Its natural for you to feel the way you do and at the same time your husband did what… Read more »
WOW i really got lucky my girlfriend was so happy i told her i was cross dressing i used to wear her panties and she seen them on me one day i come home from work and she handed me a bag and told i could wear my own i open the bag it was 2 packs of sexy panties then i moved up to skirts jeans Bras what ever i wanted she would buy for me i was so happy i love wearing women clothes she know it it take the stress away i get dressed about every day… Read more »
When it comes to a cross dresser considering and approaching marriage with a woman then the best policy is to be honest and upfront from the time you begin to date and allow the woman to know of this hobby or fetish or lifestyle you have been engaged in. Honesty works much better and has better outcomes. A cross dresser that is heterosexual and wants to date women and eventually get married are better off sharing their femme side as soon as possible right after the acquaintance phase takes place so that the woman can be informed of your cross… Read more »
Dear LGinCA imagine yourself as a 21 year old male, just into adulthood and starting a new life with a woman you loved enough to marry. How can you bring yourself to maybe hurt possibly the greatest love so grievously? This is the “deception" we cd’s practice, trying to suppress a part of who and what we are to give our best friends and partners the best possible life we can. My wife found out very early in our marriage, was totally disgusted and would not have a bar of it. Yet she stayed with me a further 25 or… Read more »
I was molested @ the age of 8 and later in Jr High a teacher continuously molested and sodomized me. During this process ,if you will, I started to doubt myself sexually. I was very small and skinny kid that was way way over sexualized. The teacher was making me have an orgasm each time he anally sodomized me. So at some point my mind formed an opinion that maybe since I had an orgasm with a penis in me I was feminine. I started to exp with my mothers lingerie and I liked the feel of against my skin… Read more »