When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Crossdresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.
EDITOR NOTE: Crossdresser Heaven has a program exclusively for Significant Others. You’ll be able to discuss issues in private with other SOs. Explore our Significant Other Program and contact JaneS if you are interested or would like further information. We would love to welcome you.
More Articles by Vanessa Law
- 7 Essential Tips to Crossdressing
- Win a Free Makeup Prize Bundle from Jecca Blac
- A Few Changes in Our Family
- I Want to Live Like That
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness
I don’t know that I would present things as boldly as you state them….Regardless you will have to tell her about yourself if you stand any chance of a healthy long term marriage. As far as your sexual desires, that can only be assessed and approached in a timely manner by you. I would get past telling her about yourself first. Just be sure that you don’t lie to her.
Don’t know how to tell her, about any thing, I don’t wanna lie her, but don’t want her to go with another man, you know someone much more manly than me. I have so many sexual dream that I wish I could tell her but don’t know how!!!
you mean I sit next to her and tell her " honey, i’m a CD?" no way, I can’t…
plz help
thx
Hi, I am crying as I write this. I have been married to a wonderful man for 5 years and have two beautiful young daughters. (I also have another adult daughter from a previous relationship).My friends and family are so envious of the great relationship we have and the great guy I managed to bring into my life. And yes, I have felt so blessed. Less than two weeks ago I came home to quickly pick something up only to discover my husband hiding in the toilet with ladies clothes. (Sprung). At first I thought he had another woman coming… Read more »
Hi Michelle, I see that no one has replied to you and that makes me sad. I too found out that my husband was cross dressing and I was so incredibly shocked I think I had a small out of body experience. Now 2 years down the line after I found out, I am learning to accept it, as I find out as much information as possible, read up as much as I can and most importantly talk to my husband about it all the time. All those questions you are asking, I asked myself too, and I thought I… Read more »
HappilyMarriedToACD,
That’s where I made my mistake by telling my kids when they were 8 years old. I told them because I was advised to do so by my therapist and my kids and us had family counseling together. I now wholeheartedly regret that I ever told them about me.
Dear Michelle,I realize this is upsetting but hear me out. I’m forty three years old and i’ve been crossdressing since I was about ten. I’ve been dating the same beautiful woman for the last six years. I’ve been an open book for the past sixteen years because I got sick and tired of hiding the things I really enjoy. I don’t understand it,i’m not gay,as a matter of fact I can find beauty in just about every woman i’ve ever met. I adore woman. My girlfriend has bought me thousands of dollars worth of womans clothing,shoes,make-up,you name it. We made… Read more »
My relationship with my cross-dressing boyfriend has been wonderful. I feel like he understands me so much because of this feminine side of him. He is very much a man and our sex life is actually the best I’ve ever experienced to be very honest. This cd is new to me and at first I had to think about what I was getting my emotions tangled up in to when I first saw him dressed as a woman. He is the same person whether he is working his job as a man or he is at home dressed as a… Read more »
I’m a 52 year old cross dresser. My experience with the 2 women I’ve come out to over the years has been great. In both cases our sexual relations was wonderful, both before and after I came out. And after a period of time it becomes a total non-event. I don’t let the neighbors or community know. Everyone has their own thing that turns them on. Unless a significant other has a real hang-up the crossdfressing becomes a minor part of the relationship.
Michelle – I have been married for a long time, I have four children, and I am a closet cross dresser. It started a long time ago, when I was 10-11 years old. I have always hid it well, and my interest in it disappeared entirely in my late teens and 20’s, but it returned later. I am not sure I can articulate why I have this fetish, or passion, or desire, to dress as a woman. I have to assume that it provides me with something, because I have tried to fight it, and I cannot. Whenever I am… Read more »
I was brought up as a girl from birth we were poor and my mom would have me wear my sisters clothes. this went on for a few years untill it was time to go to school. then I had not dressed after I was married it was small at first with panties. then my wife found them in the car. I had to tell the truth and let it go. that christmas I got so many gifts and when I opened the first package it was a new nightgown and stalkings. then we sat next to the christmas tre… Read more »
jennylace,
Did you ever go to school? You need to learn how to spell!
Dear,Lori. Don’t be rude!!!
Hey Bill! Mind your own business! I was being truthful! Can’t handle the truth? Don’t read my posts!!
My boyfriend of almost 3 months has increasingly added more time to the time he spends dressed fully as a woman. Makeup, wig, the high heeled shoes. I need to see the man he is during the weekends that we spend together but for a while now the whole time he is dressed as a woman and hides his manhood in his pink panties. He made a comment to me early on that he could easily be a lesbian. I think this statement has become the truth because he has distanced himself from me now. I am not one and… Read more »
Hi M. I know exactly what he is going thru. As I have been married for 28 years I know exactly what you are going thru. Crossdressing can be and is very addicting. The pure feeling of relaxation and freedom is really undescribable. We want it as much as humanly possible. If I let my guard down I would dress every day. Having said that I do realize that My wife married me the man. She is accepting of Cheryl but she has the need for me to be with her more than Cheryl. I get it. I happen to… Read more »
Im 33 yrs old my husband is 45 yrs old we have not long been married goin on 3 yrs. last yr he came to me and told me had to tell me something, I didnt know what was coming but never imagined what he told me. He had said yrs back 20ish he had dressed up in womans cloths and used toys on him self and had them used on him by previous gf and he enjoyed it. Then he said approx 10 yrs ago he had a bi experience with another man he said the experience was enjoyable… Read more »
Hi Lisa, your story sounds so very familiar and common and I’d love to write my response although I know it would be a detailed and long response in which I don’t have time to respond right now at the moment. Feel free to email me sometime or I could write a response soon when I have the time to do so. My email is m2fcdgirl@yahoo.com and my name is Marlene if you want to write me and talk about this. Otherwise, I will try to respond on here as soon as possible.
~hugs~
Marlene
Well Lisa, I actually divorced my husband over the same scenario. After we divorced he was able to come and talk to me and I understood a lot better. We became friends after that and actually had A number of sexual encounters that were quite enjoyable. I found when dressed he became very submissive and though we didn’t have conventional sex, he loved to perform orally, which I not only enjoyed, I started to prefer it. I taught him to do makeup, how to dress properly, walk and talk. It turned out to be rather fun. After a while we… Read more »
De–Very sound advice!
It’s good to see some common sense rather than people getting overly emotional to the level where reason is not possible!
Well, see my wife accepted me as me that wasn’t the problem. It was my son at first. He told me when he was a teenager he didn’t accept that part of me. My daughter had always told me she had no problem with it. Then after she went to college and was living at the dorm she emailed me to tell me what a bad parent I was because of this part of me. She told me that I was wrong for being who I was. Now that they live on their own I believe I was wrong to… Read more »
Hello everyone,
I am so very sad to say my wife of 26 years passed away November 12, 2012. I can’t tell you how much I miss her. I am lost without her. She was my everything. She accepted me as soon as I told her about me. She never had a problem with it. We had names for each other. I called her Angel and she called me Pookie Bear. We told each other everyday we loved each other and we hugged and kissed everyday. I just can’t believe she’s gone. I feel like this is a bad dream.
Hello, I have not told my wife yet and I wish I could. I have kids also and thats one reason I havent. I dont thing they would understand at all. My wife I dont know. She like to “hump" me and definitly likes to tease on top. although when we have sex, she just never seems to get into it. I have hinted and been almost caught several times but she seems to denie it. Sh does make comments at me and everyonce in a while she looks at me that certain way you only know after 10 years… Read more »
Heidi,
Why is it a problem? Is it because you have not told your wife? Heidi, you will never stop. It is part of you. What did you mean your wife makes comments at you? You say your wife never seems to get into it. But before that you said she likes to hump and tease you. I don’t understand. What does telling your wife have to do with your kids? You can tell your wife without telling the kids. What I think you need is to get some counseling with someone that deals with gender identity.
~Lori
Heidi–Children are the Most accepting in society-the younger the More accepting–Hiding things from them(or anyone) just makes it more of a shock& you will have larger problems later!
I have been doing more research and found this forum. It was a shock to come home early and catch my husband walking about in bra and panties. He says he bought them and only has worn them once. I thought about discussing this with a close girl friend but I do not want her thinking “ewwww, TMI". What does everyone think? Shall I belive him and would this be ok for girl talk with a couple girl friends?
Debbie
I used to crossdress on ocassionally before my wife and I had children, but just stopped after our first child was born. Now that our last one has grown and moved out of the house my wife restarted my crossdressing for me. She came home one day recently with a shopping bag filled with a large amount of panties, bras and nightgowns for me. Last weekend she took me out to buy more dresses and bras. With all the new technology around these days she has me model for her completely made up as a woman, with all my different… Read more »