How to tell my mother I am transgender

They say the best way to get something done is to start with the reasons why you should do it. Once you have a strong enough why, the ‘how’ will take care of itself. They made it sound easier than it is, because I’m at that place right now. I have a compelling reason why, but don’t really know where to start.

How Do I Tell My Mom I’m Transgendered?

A few weeks ago I decided to tell my mom that I’m transgendered. Though I’m sure she has suspected at one time she’s never mentioned anything to me. As far as I know, she’s never seen me dressed, or found errant pieces of woman’s clothing in my room when I lived at home.

If she ever did suspect, I think marriage removed the last seeds of doubt. Even I thought being wed to a beautiful woman would cure my transgendered desires. If you’ve been reading Crossdresser Heaven for a while, you know how that worked out 😉

Transgender Heaven - Gender Journey

Why Am I Telling Her Now?

I’ve been thinking about telling my mom for a while, and always found a reason to avoid it. I justified this to myself by saying, ‘I don’t want to cause her distress’, and ‘she’ll be happier if she doesn’t know’. How hollow and selfish those reasons seem now.

My mom is in her sixties, and because of some health issues she is considering surgery. The surgery is generally not risky, but it got me thinking. (phew, even as I write this tears are coming to my eyes). It got me thinking, ‘How would I feel if I never told her?’, ‘How would I feel if I denied her the opportunity to love and accept me for who I am?’, ‘How would she feel knowing I didn’t trust her enough to tell her?’.

The more I thought about it, the more not telling her felt like an act of betrayal, and not an act of kindness. So I made up my mind to tell her. My primary concern now is for our relationship. I want to tell her in a loving way, that makes it as easy on her. I want to share what’s on my heart, but give her space and time to understand.

I Need Your Help

There are two things I’m unsure of when it comes to telling my mom.

How do I tell her I’m transgendered? We live many thousands of miles apart, and I won’t have an opportunity to visit her for a few years. What is the best way to tell her? A letter, an email, over the phone? I’ve been thinking about writing a letter and attaching it to an email. So the email will give me a chance to introduce it before she reads the letter, but also showing her that I’ve given it thought to put it in letter form.

What do I tell her? I know for sure that I’m transgendered, but I don’t know how far along the journey to womanhood I want to travel. I’m not sure if I’d be content dressing on the weekends, or only feel whole living as a woman every day. How would you share this, when even the very notion of being transgendered can be confusing?

If you’ve told your parents, or a loved one your advice would be a blessing to me. Please take a moment to comment and share your thoughts.

Thank you so much,
Vanessa

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16 Comments
  1. Danielle 9 years ago

    Dear Vanessa
    You have so many suggestions here already that I won’t offer any more, especially as dynamics are so diverse from one family to the next. Instead, I’ll just make a quick comment on how I brought my own family up to speed on my transition.

    One of the ladies said in her comment something like, ” … remember, it’s about her, not you ..” I admire what she says but unfortunately I fell short of reaching that ideal. When the time came, I went to my family, not to ask for their blessings but, to tell them unequivocally what my intentions were for the rest of my life. It really was all about me. To allow it to be anything other would have been too like an admission that I was willing to permit my future to continue being controlled by what I believed my family and the world expected of me. I needed them to know how important this expression of self was in order for me to lead a happy life.

    bliss and blessings ..
    Danielle

  2. Danielle 9 years ago

    Dear Vanessa
    You have so many suggestions here already that I won’t offer any more, especially as dynamics are so diverse from one family to the next. Instead, I’ll just make a quick comment on how I brought my own family up to speed on my transition.

    One of the ladies said in her comment something like, ” … remember, it’s about her, not you ..” I admire what she says but unfortunately I fell short of reaching that ideal. When the time came, I went to my family, not to ask for their blessings but, to tell them unequivocally what my intentions were for the rest of my life. It really was all about me. To allow it to be anything other would have been too like an admission that I was willing to permit my future to continue being controlled by what I believed my family and the world expected of me. I needed them to know how important this expression of self was in order for me to lead a happy life.

    bliss and blessings ..
    Danielle

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