They say the best way to get something done is to start with the reasons why you should do it. Once you have a strong enough why, the ‘how’ will take care of itself. They made it sound easier than it is, because I’m at that place right now. I have a compelling reason why, but don’t really know where to start.
How Do I Tell My Mom I’m Transgendered?
A few weeks ago I decided to tell my mom that I’m transgendered. Though I’m sure she has suspected at one time she’s never mentioned anything to me. As far as I know, she’s never seen me dressed, or found errant pieces of woman’s clothing in my room when I lived at home.
If she ever did suspect, I think marriage removed the last seeds of doubt. Even I thought being wed to a beautiful woman would cure my transgendered desires. If you’ve been reading Crossdresser Heaven for a while, you know how that worked out 😉
Why Am I Telling Her Now?
I’ve been thinking about telling my mom for a while, and always found a reason to avoid it. I justified this to myself by saying, ‘I don’t want to cause her distress’, and ‘she’ll be happier if she doesn’t know’. How hollow and selfish those reasons seem now.
My mom is in her sixties, and because of some health issues she is considering surgery. The surgery is generally not risky, but it got me thinking. (phew, even as I write this tears are coming to my eyes). It got me thinking, ‘How would I feel if I never told her?’, ‘How would I feel if I denied her the opportunity to love and accept me for who I am?’, ‘How would she feel knowing I didn’t trust her enough to tell her?’.
The more I thought about it, the more not telling her felt like an act of betrayal, and not an act of kindness. So I made up my mind to tell her. My primary concern now is for our relationship. I want to tell her in a loving way, that makes it as easy on her. I want to share what’s on my heart, but give her space and time to understand.
I Need Your Help
There are two things I’m unsure of when it comes to telling my mom.
How do I tell her I’m transgendered? We live many thousands of miles apart, and I won’t have an opportunity to visit her for a few years. What is the best way to tell her? A letter, an email, over the phone? I’ve been thinking about writing a letter and attaching it to an email. So the email will give me a chance to introduce it before she reads the letter, but also showing her that I’ve given it thought to put it in letter form.
What do I tell her? I know for sure that I’m transgendered, but I don’t know how far along the journey to womanhood I want to travel. I’m not sure if I’d be content dressing on the weekends, or only feel whole living as a woman every day. How would you share this, when even the very notion of being transgendered can be confusing?
If you’ve told your parents, or a loved one your advice would be a blessing to me. Please take a moment to comment and share your thoughts.
Thank you so much,
Vanessa
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So, you want to tell your mum that you are transgendered? Okay, no problem. First, let her know that you are a transsexual. And then, when she starts to calm down, tell her “Relax, I’m just transgendered!"
Seriously though, the best approach is direct. No pain is spared by carefully millimetering the bandaid off, you have to get it off and from what you are saying, you may not have much time. Tell her the truth, in person if you can but if that is not possible, over the phone or via the post.
Good luck!
Being forthright worked for me. Mind, my Mom and me have had “the discussion" quite a few times over the years. It always boils down to: don’t hide, don’t lie or obfuscate and take the time, make the effort, to understand where she’s coming from. (That’s something the TG community, as a whole, seems to be really, really bad at doing.)
At the end of it, you can never be sure how the conversation will go. It’s just important to remember that it’s your life you have to live.
Carolyn Ann
Hi Vanessa Wow that is a huge step. I pray for you to be able to tell your mom with compassion and love, and for her to hear you with the same. Since it sounds like you’ve made up your mind, all I can do is offer my prayers. As far as how to tell her, well I honestly think that the e-mail mathod is wrong. A letter is better of course, but it doesn’t allow for the give and take of a real conversation. Kind of like dropping a bomb in your mom’s lap and waiting for her reaction.… Read more »
Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers and concern.
I’ll carefully consider all of your advice before I share with my mom. I am truly blessed to have friends like you.
Hugs,
Vanessa
My first reaction to your dilemna is to go back to the “whys". I believe that honesty is a great why. It is not healthy to not disclose truths about yourself to your closest and most intimate relationships. I know that gold-plated for sure. There is a pebble in my pumps and grit in my lipstick because Mrs. B does not share this all with me. And who merits honesty more than a Mom (Mrs. Law asides…) I believe as well that there is a great advocacy “why" in the telling. Each act of sharing reduces the stigma and makes… Read more »
Oh wow, is this a toughee! I think I can understand why you want to honest and upfront with your mum… but there’s a catch. I’m pretty sure you’ve been through these questions time and time again in your own head. But, as this is a blog, here we go: 1) How will it enrich her life knowing you do what you do? 2) How will it alter the relationship between you and her? 3) Will she blame herself for what happened? BTW – you (obviously) don’t have to answer 🙂 The other side to the coin is, what if… Read more »
I decided to tell my mother two years ago over a long weekend where I visited her at her home. I wanted her to know about me before she might have discovered it in some other way. I don’t care for email or a letter as a communication medium for work like this. I don’t think that kind of one sided communication is fair. That’s just me. I think it works for Gen X/Gen Y because they are used to having technology involved in a conversation, but not someone who is 60. I told her dressed as my male self.… Read more »
Hon, I’ll be honest, I told my mother and she flat out rejected me. I tried telling her when I was 14 and confused, she sent me to a shrink. As I got older, I tried telling her again, she denied and changed the subject. I finally made the decision to flat out tell her and not allow her to deflect me. She was crying and finally told me that I was her son, and that under no circumstances would she support me. She said, “I don’t want another daughter". She knows, my sisters know (and they had the same… Read more »
I’m assuming she’s not seen you new look. Start by remembering that this is about her not you. Make a date – set a time for a visit. Fly to her city call, call her just a couple of hours before the date, explain to her that you love her, want to continue the date, but also don’t want to shock her with your new look. Draw a deep breath and tell her exactly how will look when you meet. Tell her tat if she doesn’t want to meet you will understand, but that you want to continue and let… Read more »
I just saw the Hurt Locker, so defusing bombs is on my mind. I can see that telling mom is like defusing a bomb. Cut the right wire and live to dress another day. Cut the wrong wire and we’ll need years of work to get back to being grateful for what we do have. The “mom” bomb is a pretty complicated bomb, so it’s going to require a lot of wire cutting. Big bombs and very little bombs, but all have potential to do damage if poorly defused. Seems being transgendered is just bomb defusing work and that might… Read more »
I tried to tell my Mother several times. She doesn’t want to hear it and shuts down. I had a good childhood and am very close to my parents. She is in her 80’s and that is a subject she doesn’t want to discuss. My wife tried to talk to her about it as well — doors closed.
Otherwise the relationship is strong. Just no room for crossdressing. Not a problem for me. My other siblings do not know and I have never felt a need to tell them.
Alana, I’m sorry to hear that. I think she must love you very much, even as she denies one part of you, she still fully loves the rest of you. That’s uncommon in human relations. More often we see a thing we dislike and go running.
Dear Vanessa You have so many suggestions here already that I won’t offer any more, especially as dynamics are so diverse from one family to the next. Instead, I’ll just make a quick comment on how I brought my own family up to speed on my transition. One of the ladies said in her comment something like, " … remember, it’s about her, not you .." I admire what she says but unfortunately I fell short of reaching that ideal. When the time came, I went to my family, not to ask for their blessings but, to tell them unequivocally… Read more »
Yes, that’s a good point. I think there’s a balance between asserting your future, and giving them the time, space and care to process this information. I don’t think you should be asking for their blessing, but perhaps share in a softer way that makes them feel loved – focus on how this affects them, your relationship with them, etc.