T-Dar is an uncanny sixth sense we transgender seem to inherit when we embrace our trans-ness. It allows us to spot a potential sister hunting for a perfect skirt in the sale rack. Or an unusually tall woman from across the parking lot, or the otherwise perfect lady whose hands are just a bit large. With a few quick glances to confirm our suspicions (the adams apple and hands are usually the easiest places to tell), we feel a warm – if unspoken – bonding of community. Perhaps even a spark of inspiration at seeing a sister so confidently walking among us.
Staci writes an enjoyable blog called Femulate and recently she asked ‘Got T-Dar‘? Sharing the pitfalls of a T-Dar false positive, and the inherent inspiration. After all, if the six foot tall blond “woman” is actually a woman, doesn’t that give us more hope that we can maneuver our six foot selves around society without always causing a stir?
Over the last few years I’ve found myself getting more and more sensitive. It seems as if every time I visit Nordstrom Rack there are one or two ladies who get my T-Dar ringing. I’m torn between approaching them out of a sense of community, watching them for some tips, or quickly moving on so as not to draw unnecessary attention to them. After all, I imagine that I wouldn’t enjoy a similar amount of attention. I may perhaps even become a bit more disillusioned with any hope of passing in my momentary lapse, forgetting that the transgendered have this uncanny ability.
I can’t say that there is any one thing that sets off my T-dar. Height is an obvious factor, but I’ve been wrong more often than not relying just on this. I would say that after height, voice and body movement are the things I notice next. It usually starts as a subtle sense that something is amiss, that makes me pay attention.
Have you seen a transgender sister out and about? Have you approached them, or wish you’d approached them? Have you been approached by a sister while out and about?
Look fabulous!
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Going down the escalator in Macy’s (34th St), awhile back. The walk was pure “male" and the skewed clothing demonstrated a lack of awareness. And at Nordstrom Rack on Long Island. I didn’t approach them because (in Macy’s) it would have been difficult, the crowd was considerable. And in Nordstrom, the attitude (body language, mainly) seemed to be “stay away!" So I did. I think it was in a Barnes & Noble in Omaha: the barrista was definitely playing with gender; young, hip, thoroughly inked and very polite. The gender was vague, at best, but he or she looked great!… Read more »
Carolyn Ann – it’s funny how those more subtle things are noticed so easily by those of us trying to emulate woman 🙂 I was going to write about how surprising it is that one would go out without more focus on appearance, but then I realized that perhaps this is an overwhelmingly positive sign of self-acceptance. The confidence that despite their imperfections they’re able to go out in public. Though it does make it easier to spot others like us 🙂 I’ve noticed that in the last few years more people who have ambiguous gender expression. I find this… Read more »
About six months ago, I was in the local Target Store shopping for bras. I was in drab, and assumed people would think I was shopping for my wife/girlfriend. I was looking at A cup bras, and an elderly lady – I am 64 and she was about ten years my elder – very quietly and discretely said to me, “Oh no, Dear. You are going to need a B cup, not an A." I stammered some nonsense about having orders from home, but she just looked me right in the eye and said, “It’s OK. My husband shops here… Read more »
Lizzie – wow 🙂 I guess woman can tell the difference between a casual, confused glance and the more intimate shopping experience. At least for me I know when I’m ‘engrossed’ in shopping and I’ll bet my body language is different than when I’m just looking for some socks.
I was shopping at Macy’s at the Benefit cosmetics counter in drab. I asked the SA that was a little taller than average if an eyebrow makeup would work with my complexion. She asked me if I dressed. I said yes. She introduced herself as a TS. We developed a bond and I visit her anytime I’m in Macy’s.
I’ve suspected it on a couple of occasions, but recently I met a girl who may be trans in a GLBT meeting (probable right?)  But I don’t know if it would be rude or not to just ask someone who’s obviously trying to be as woman as possible if they are trans or dressing because I noticed something was off.  I have recently been exploring my feelings of dressing, and put on makeup for the first time yesterday.  What’s an appropriate way to breach that type of conversation with someone?  It seems tricky to me without hurting someone’s feelings.  If… Read more »
Yes, I’d definitely not walk up to them and out them. At best it’ll make them feel awkward and inadequate. If it’s a specific lgtb event, perhaps try engaging them in small talk, and maybe they’ll feel comfortable sharing more about themselves with you.
I for 1 WISH “Friendly" people would come up& talk we me(us) often my wife is with me–I’m not good at picking folks out or I would start up conversations!
I don’t think my T dar works yet and most likely the places that I live in don’t have many T girls anyway though I wish they did so they could help transform me. I hope that it begins to work someday, even though I am gay and my gaydar has never worked either, lol
Yes this did happen to me. I was dressed very professionally and going shopping at Penny’s. I parked my car, got out and proceeded through the parking lot. Suddenly I was stopped cold in my tracks. About 100 feet in front was another sister standing by her car. She was not very convincing. She stood out obviously. We made eye contact and for a moment I did not know what to do. I froze. My mind raced and I almost was about to return to my car and abandon my trip as I know that I was starting to blush… Read more »
I’m a member of a service organization, admittedly I’ve been inactive for many years. I’d bet there are other members of that organization within this community. That organization is somewhat secretive. So they have an innocuous question that any member would know to ask another suspected member to help identify them. If the other person answers with the correct answer, then they know they are both members and can have a conversation about the organization. The question would seem a little odd to someone who wasn’t familiar with it but not too far out and the answer is very specific.… Read more »
I love this idea!!! I tend to think my T-Dar is quite good and I see trans and CD folks all the time (or at least I think I do). I always want to say something. Not to figure out if my suspicions are correct, but to offer support – the kind of support that can only come from someone in the tg/cd community. I know I can’t say “Just in case you were born a guy, I really admire your bravery. And, by the way, you look fabulous." If it turns out I was wrong, I can just imagine… Read more »
love all the stories tips on things like make up,help etc. all of us girls struggle in one area or another thank you all ladies some of the ideas are realling helping to achieve the look I want
I don’t know if its best to tell a cd that she looks bad or really not like a woman or to just walk the other way I know we try our best to look fem. but some of us unfortunately some of us just have to many male traits to pull it off anyway if someone is really not convincing should I say anything to her or try to help really confussed on this just wish I could give them a makeover or something.