I Want My Soul Back

Firstly, I would like to open by thanking each every one of you who read my debut article and left loving comments. This is a beautiful community and is made up of beautiful people.

For so long, I believed that transition was never something that I would be able to seriously consider. I’m so old. My nose is too big. I’m balding and so much more. But on reflection, maybe I can do something about that. I had this feeling that it might somehow help me to start to feel better about myself; something I desperately needed.

Before long I found that simple thought had grown into something bigger and had prompted action to get things moving forward. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday of that week, to allow me to share my thoughts with a professional. I wanted to make sure that I was of sound mind and stable in my thinking. I had also made another appointment on Thursday to get an assessment of my beard growth and follicle issue.

I know that this is likely to be an uphill struggle. I don’t have the resources of a famous lawyer, like some high profile people do. I can only work with what I have and need to make things count. I need to monitor the costs of the things I desire to follow my path.

All that taken into consideration, I have to believe that I have some hope. I need to believe that God loves me enough to help me become who he intended me to be, even though I have spent my life believing that I should have been female. I have started trying to raise money through a crowdfunding campaign to help pay for Facial Feminization Surgery and I hope it helps. Meanwhile, I know that there are many individuals who are disgusted with people like me, and they have a loud voice!

I know that having embarked upon this long journey, there will be many obstacles and challenges ahead. I understand that I may lose friends and my heart might be crushed many times. But if I can’t become who I was meant to be, how can I do what God has intended me to do? Surely there must be a light at the end of this tunnel?

If anyone has some insight that may help me on this journey I ask you with all my heart, please share your knowledge and experiences with me. I long for that elusive feminine figure and that girlish face. I miss having long, flowing hair. I want to wear a beautiful dress that makes me feel like a million dollars and one that may make a man blush too. I have a desire to claim the life that I truly believe I was meant to have, so much it makes me feel that I wish to claim my rightful soul back!

 

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Christina

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  1. Hi Christina! My name is Dame Veronica Graunwolf and I was moved by your story. I understand what you are going thru. I am also impressed with your ability to put those thoughts forward so clearly. I have traveled the world and seen the best and worst of the human situation and if you like, am willing to share with you what I have seen and how people cope with their situation. Sweetie…..nothing in this world is impossible to change for the better. Go with your idea…….be all you can be, but especially….do what it takes to be happy. All of us here at CDH and TGH are behind you. Anyone or all of us will bend over backwards to help you achieve your goal. This is our reason for being.

    Christina……..my door and ears are always open…..do come in and chat about your feelings and desires…..I am here for you! Maybe I can help to speed up your journey to your goal…..at the very least I can give you hope and encouragement on your journey. Best of luck…..we are with you.

    Dame Veronica

  2. JaiymeLynne 1 month ago

    Christina,
    Thank you for sharing your story. As we have gotten older (I’m 61), I think we realize time is short. And Happiness is up to us by the choices we make. The struggle just to belong. To be whoever we are, inside, as we have hidden it our whole lives. We have to be true to our own spirit, no matter what. I commend you for staying with it. The journey will not be easy for us, whether we fully transition or not. For me, and I think for you too, the dream is to be able to go out as a woman, and be ignored. To just be. I am with you.
    Carry on Christina, you can do it.
    Love,
    JaiymeLynn

  3. Victoria Egger 1 month ago

    Hello Christina
    The basic fact you are in the right place. I’am sure that there is some one who has the same story as you. I would say work with your psychiatrist and your Higher Power, which you choose to call God.
    I’am 71, I know age has big factor on what we do for the rest of our lives. My Heart is with you
    Love, Vicke

  4. Jonnie 1 month ago

    I think that you should keep doing what you want to do, I too am older, ( 69 ) but there is not any chance to my loved ones or friends, could or would except me as a crossdresser.
    Just yesterday I went shopping at a lingerie store and had a young lady help me find the proper size panties to fit me. And it was the most exhilarating and free feeling I have ever had, knowing that there is someone out there that knows I like wearing women’s panties. So please don’t give up doing what you think is best for you you are very lucky to have support. All my best wishes Johnny.

  5. Patricia Marie Allen 1 month ago

    I don’t know what medical insurance you have, but I have Kaiser. Kaiser has a department called, Gender Pathways Clinic. They help you discover just what you want. They will pay for facial hair removal. I’m taking advantage of that myself. They will even pay for SRS, but sadly not breast enhancement, or facial surgery. They will however prescribe testosterone blockers and estrogen. All this under the “informed consent” model. (No psychologist needed.) I’m a little over a year into HRT and I’ve found that simply pushing my body chemistry to the female side has done a lot to give me peace of mind.

    Check with your primary care physician to see if you can get hormone treatment. Or check with your insurance company to see what they will cover in the way of transgender treatment.

    You talk about doing things that will out you. The first person you need to come out to is your doctor. If you doctor doesn’t act professionally and make the appropriate referrals, get another doctor.

  6. Lucinda Hawkns 1 month ago

    so glade for you, hope all things turn out for the better. people are ignorant, they call us names and what ever else. which i don’t like to be called either. i am a closet cross dresser, not to harm any one or that, just want to be me for the person i should of been born as. but god gave me male parts and a female brain and figure. i am a slim person 110lbs, 5 foot 3 inches. some hair on legs but with colored nylons on you cant see the hair. for make up its tough to apply when wife will not help or see me dressed up but lets me when 2 adult children are gone. i bye my own female stuff, wife knows of my female clothing. i have my moms that she left me when she passed away 5 years ago. i am 55 years old and for transition is not a option. so i dress up when i can. being free and happy

  7. tammy baxter 1 month ago

    Hello hunnie,
    Thank you for your lovely story. You go girl be the beautiful lady you were meant to be &
    Do not let anyone hold you back. Love hugs

  8. *skippy1965(Cynthia) 1 month ago

    Christina,
    Follow your dreams! As Michael Jordan said, “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”! I wrote a forum post a while back that was a modification of Teddy Roosevelt’s famous speech “Its not the critic who counts”-“It’s not the critic who counts; not the woman who points it how there cross dresser gets read, or where tre person who left home drsssed could have looked better. He credit belongs to the woman who is actually in the arena, whose makeup is slightly smeared from nervous perspiration; who dares to go out into the world; who fails to pass, coming short again and again, because here is no venturing out without initial failures and fiascos; butbwhi actually DOES try and pass in the world; who knows great joy at going out dressed; working hard on her outfit and deportment; who gives her all in teaching for the stars; who at the best is accepted by the world as female; and who at the worst, If she fails, at least fails while daring to reach her dream, so gag her place will never be with those timid souls who hide at home and never try”. I wrote that nearly three years ago before I had dared try going out myself. I don’t condemn those who for whatever their own reasons do not or can not go out into the world the way they want to. But if it IS your dream -whether to transition or simply to venture out into the world as your authentic self for a while- don’t let anyone’s criticism or your own fears stop you from reaching for the stars!
    Cyn

  9. Pennygril Snow 1 month ago

    Hello I wish I could do that it’s just going to be really hard for me but you go girl be your self don’t look back be beautiful thanks love reading your storie mad my day

  10. Rozalyne Richards 1 month ago

    Hi Christina thank you for sharing your story with us, i would just like to say you are not the first to feel this way and you won’t be the last, I’m sure God will not love you any less if you want to be the woman you need to be instead of the man you was born as, there are lots of people on here that will support you through your transition so you are not alone in your endeavour to become a woman, i hope I’ve not gone on a bit too much, anyway Christina i say go for it and reach for the star’s, good luck and God bless x hugs Rozalyne x

  11. Cloé (CC) 1 month ago

    Christina,
    Your article reads like the thoughts that went through my mind. All the things you mentioned matter and I can say staying in touch with my spiritual side has made my journey a wonderful experience. I cant say there aren’t bumps, setbacks , peaks and valleys. But knowing where to go to calm my soul and my mind have given me the strength to press on.
    My head is, well was more bald (thank you rogaine) and my nose is a nice roman one with 2 breaks to make it a good dogleg to the right. There are things I want to change, but like you, that will come with time and money. Stay strong girlfriend.

  12. Michelle Wilmington 1 month ago

    All I can say is be true to who you really are on the inside, It may be a long journey, and you’ll be bound to have a few “bumps” in the road along the way, but you’ll be much happier in the end!

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