When I was around the age of puberty, I occasionally hung out with the girl next door. Being in the country, that was a short walk from our house. She was a year or two younger than me. Considering that I only hung out with the guys one house over from hers on a nearly constant basis playing football, baseball, etc., I found myself confused at my interest in my new friend.
Well, sure, there were hormones going (I’m not gay), and she was kind of cute, but I wasn’t really “attracted” to her, per se. To be honest, her family was a bit quirky. She was not an exception.
But one day, I saw her in a dress.
She was just playing outside, running around, doing whatever all in a dress. No special occasion going on that day, she just decided to wear a dress. Back in those days, girls didn’t wear a dress except on those special holidays, or maybe to church. She was out in her yard, in a dress just because she wanted to wear one on that particular day.
I normally would cut through their front yard (the parents were fine with that) on my way to “the guys” house, and I stopped to chat. I didn’t make it to the guys’ house for a while.
As we played in the yard, she brought up the fact that she loved to wear dresses. This one was a bit over-sized, hem below her knees, and a flouncy A-line. I loved watching it move as she walked and played and danced. I can still see it (I’m sure the details have been edited by a faulty memory), a broad yellow floral cotton dress, puffy shoulders, and a high waist.
I felt something flutter in my chest as I watched. I didn’t know what that was. I felt guilty for feeling it. I assumed it was because I was lusting. But I didn’t know at the time that I was lusting as much (or more) for the dress as for the girl. I felt guilty. Like I shouldn’t be watching so closely.
I don’t know why, but she brought up the dress, and how much she loved dresses. “I would wear them all the time if I could,” she said. “My Mom gives me dresses, and I wear them around the house when I can.”
In looking back, I can see that I was putting myself in her shoes. Without understanding or even knowing that envy was the dominate feeling that caused the “flutter” from me unconsciously putting myself in that dress. I felt empowered by her revelation and confession that a dress was a feeling that girls enjoyed! It wasn’t just a social convention that women cowtowed to. There was a special girl feeling that came with wearing a dress and it was unique and delicious. As I contemplated that feeling, I was both electrified and mortified by my reaction. I felt confused on the inside with my feelings about how I would feel wearing that dress of hers!
But all the same, I thought about how that dress would feel on me. I thought about wearing only soft little panties under the dress. I imagined my legs naked and smooth down to the ground, moving in freedom under the dress, and the cloth caressing my skin. I saw her move freely, legs together or stretched out to either side while covered in soft fabric in a tent of privacy and femininity.
I can look back, now, and see how I was experiencing those moments. I can see that confusion about my feelings about the dress conflicting with my male persona (persona is Greek for “mask”) that was not allowed to consider these thoughts.
I can see now that the confusion was also fueled by the time when I was 8 at Halloween and my sisters dressed me as a little girl and one of the people at a Trick or Treat house asked me, “And what are you supposed to be, little girl?” And his face dropped when his friend nudged him with a look, and he figured it out, and the room went silent.
I wanted that dress. I wanted to wear that dress. But I was confused and ashamed. I was afraid that if I continued to hang out with her that I would ask her if I could wear one of her dresses. I’m guessing she would have said yes, and I would frolic in the yard in a dress and panties, and then all “the guys” would find out, and that would be hell.
I didn’t ask. And because of my confusion and my fear that I would act on my urge – I stopped hanging out with her.
Sitting here, now, in my dress, a simple frock that reminds me of that yellow dress, I am encouraged by that early moment in my life that affirms the truth of who I am today. Whether I am transgender, gender non-conforming, or gender fluid, I have always been Lorie. And today she is freer than she has ever been before. She continues to be that little girl in the dress playing in the yard, carefree and happy.
Girls, can you share with us a time you had an encounter with a girl back when you were a young boy that gave you the desire of wanting to wear a dress?
Or tell me about the very first time you got the desire to wear female clothing if it happened when you were a young boy.
Thanks for reading my story and I look so forward to hearing your responses to my article!
Sincerely, Lorie
More Articles by LaWren Peace
- “SelfPartnered:” A New Way To See Myself
- Coming Out; My Favorite System
- Dating Girls as a Girl: What Is Different?
- Can I ever be Enough?
- Dancing at the Redmoor
LaWren Peace
Latest posts by LaWren Peace (see all)
- “SelfPartnered:” A New Way To See Myself - December 13, 2019
- Coming Out; My Favorite System - November 15, 2019
- Dating Girls as a Girl: What Is Different? - August 6, 2019
- I Wanted To Be The Girl In A Dress - June 27, 2019
- Can I ever be Enough? - June 2, 2019
Growing up with a sister I had similar struggles. I recall one day when I was about 7 my sister and a brother who was a year younger than me came out of her room. She was wearing jeans however she had dressed my brother in her first communion dress. I know how I should have felt but I didn’t. I know I wondered how it felt to wear that dress. Moments later my sister took my hand and pulled me back into her room. She proceeded to dress me in one of her school uniforms. I wore a white… Read more »
Brenda, what a beautiful story. It sounds like the fantasy that so many of us would have chosen if we could. Your story told me about possible ways of looking at myself in relationship. Thank you.
Hugs, Lorie
I had a similar situation happen! My sister and I would always switch wearing our underwear! When we stopped doing that, I would always sneak into her room and put on her underwear! I soon started wearing her dresses when nobody was home! Before I knew it I was wearing moms Bras and slips! I loved the feeling of being a girl!
Hi Brenda, I really enjoyed your story. I am new to cdh so hearing similar stories helps me a lot. I am in Texas and very happy.
I understand 100% your response to the dress. I did not realize it until lately that a large part of my attraction to women has been the clothes. When I was in the Boy Scouts, they had a Halloween party and my mom borrowed a neighbor girls clothes and made me up as a girl. I was in heaven. I already had a strong nylon panty fetish. Time went by, I got married, thought that would end the “weird" stuff. No way, I bought silky nighties for my wife, but they were really for me to wear when I could.… Read more »
Diane, thanks for sharing your story. I love what you said about tired of hiding. It all became clear when I started dressing in earnest that I had been hiding from my femme self! Then I was tired of hiding from me, and I welcomed Lorie fully into my life.
There are some who say there is no compromise, but I wonder what it will be like for me in my next relationship.
Hugs, Lorie
Make it a priority to share about this early on in a relationship. My GF does not want to see me enfemme, but she decided to be my GF after I had told her about my hobby. So I am not hiding the fact that I dress, and go to meetings that way. In fact, I don’t hide anything from her, and that is the way she likes it. I just don’t force her to see me as Diane. It’s working and I remind myself “The grass is always greener." I wonder if I could ever find a gal that… Read more »
Yes, Diane, share early on. That’s my game plan. I think that will be easier and easier the more I am getting comfortable with myself in all my gender presentations.
Hi Diane, For me it started with my mother’s stockings and then grew from there. I went thru the difficult times of fighting the desire to dress but finally came to the realization that this is the real me. I love my nylon panties, garter and stockings. I’m in Texas. Where are you?
Hi Jennifer, I’m in Berwyn, IL near Chicago. I’ve been sharing with more people about my crossdressing these days. Most people seem to think it is fun too. Went to see my dermatologist today in semi-drab. He never said anything about my nylon panties. When we were done, I share that I was having fun crossdressing these days. He said it was a lot easier these days. Also shared with my next door neighbors. The thought I was my sister when they saw me leaving one time. I only go out enfemme about twice a month, but I think that… Read more »
Hi Diane, Thank you for getting back with me. I had a similar situation awhile back with my family doctor. I was wearing nylon panties with pantyhose. I’m pretty sure he saw them but I really don’t care. When in drab i’m usually in my panties and stockings. Without them the anxiety takes over. I love my feminine side but it has it’s drawbacks. Society is slow in it’s acceptance for sure. I am trying to ease my closet dressing. It can be very frustrating especially in a small Texas town. Do you belong to a cd group? I know… Read more »
Even though I am neither gay or trans, I attend a couple of functions each month.
One is an LGBTQ+ group when I am the only crossdresser.
The other is a mostly trans girls night out, again I am probably the oddball.
I enjoy the camaraderie in both groups.
I’ve read stories from others who had to either hide it from or not dress in front of their wife. The common thread was in those stories they lost their wives. Once the grieving was over their dressing came way out of the closet more so than ever. So I guess that’s a kind of natural reaction when their is no longer a need to hide it. In my case I’ve never had “it” run away from me. I’ve always felt in control of myself. While I continued dressing my brother did not and as far as I know never… Read more »
Hi Lorie, I just joined cdh and I remember when I would see young girls in their dresses. I was so excited just thinking of how I would look in her dress. Around age 12 I started wearing my mother’s stockings and panties. As I got older I became ashamed of wearing the clothes so I stopped. As we all know that didn’t last very long. I was so frustrated with my situation that I got rid of all the clothes. The usual tale that we all reveal. That darn purge thing. Finally the acceptance after many years. Be well… Read more »
Yay for acceptance! For me, acceptance has been a process, not a switch that I can suddenly turn on. That old pattern of shame still wants to reach up and pull me down. It’s losing it’s power as time goes by and I get support from CDH sisters and my sisters at my support group.
Welcome home.
Lorie
Hi Lorie. It’s great to hear from you. As time goes by the shame and guilt always keeps shifting. Finding cdh is a wonderful thing. I am finally comfortable in my dressing although there are those moments. It’s so special to share our thoughts. We have many sisters out there for sure. Be safe and happy hun. xx
Lorie thank you for sharing your experience with us. When I was five years old in 1963 I attended a wedding of my fathers cousin. When she walked down the aisle and everyone was watching her I was smitten. To this day, that image of her is my standard of beauty. The way she looked , moved and interacted with everyone has become my template for presenting as a woman. Several years ago when I met her at her fathers funeral, at the same church, I shared with her the impact that she had on me that day. I have… Read more »
As a life coach, I help my clients realize that we cannot see or admire the way others exhibit certain traits unless we already possess them ourselves. I’m guessing you saw yourself in your relative.
What a beautiful thing to be able to share that story with her.
I don’t have a similar “mentor" that comes to mind, but I watch women who move and interact with others that I feel is something to aspire to. I’ll have to see if there is someone in my past that had the “template."
I first dressed when I was 11, my mother and sister dressed me up for Halloween. I was put into a skirt and blouse and they applied some makeup to my face. I didn’t fully understand then my feelings but it was exciting and strange feeling. I did realize that I felt comfortable and happy in the clothes. I would try on undergarments and clothes but would just brush it off. However I could not get away from the joy of wearing women’s clothing. It was during my first marriage that I would dress in my ex’s clothes again without… Read more »
Hi Deana, I started dressing around age 12. It’s funny how that works. My mother’s stockings started it for me. Next was the panties and here I am 50 years later. I am still closeted and I am frustrated with that. Living in a small town in Texas can be tough. If it wasn’t for cdh i’m Not sure where I would be. When in drab without the stockings and panties the anxiety takes over. Looking back at the early years of the dressing and the frustrations seem like a 100 years ago. When I was married I didn’t dare… Read more »
Deanna, I had a similar experience for Halloween when I was 7 or 8. I, too, was mystified and electrified by the feeling of wearing a skirt, etc., walking around in this outfit just the way a girl gets to live. When I would dress in the pre-pubescent years on rare occassions, and I was flummoxed about the feelings I felt. Once I was in puberty, I used the stimulation for release, and wondered about my sexuality. Back them I assumed gender identity was directly tied to sexual orientation, but I had no interest in boys or men. So I… Read more »
I spent my 50th birthday at David’s Bridal trying on Wedding Dresses. My wife and 2 of my cousins went with me. One of the best birthdays I have ever had. David’s Bridal will allow men to try out on dresses
What a wonderful day! I envy you. I will have to look into similar possibilities around here. Thanks for sharing!
I felt the same way seeing my sister in a dress.
Thank you for sharing that. For me I got the desire to wear dresses when I was 12. We lived in a small single wide trailer, and my mom didn’t have much closet space for her clothes. So with the extra space I had in my closet, she would store her clothes that she wasn’t wearing for the season. If it was summertime she would have winter clothes in there and in the winter she would store her summer wear. My mom had beautiful dresses and during my teenage years her and I were about the same size. I was… Read more »
Wow, Stacey, that’s a powerful story. I’m glad you had some alone Stacey time so you could have the feeling of girlhood for an hour. Those moments of gender euphoria can be bittersweet when it’s closeted and we are held back from the relationships where we could be ourselves. I’m glad you were able to have a great relationship with your Mom even if it wasn’t exactly the one you would have preferred. Blessings.
Yes Lorie I remember my sister having her girlfriends to the house to play and couldnt help but to be attracted to their dresses, outfits,and hair styles. I think now I felt envy because as a boy there was little to wear to express ourselves. Anyway I started wearing her clothes when home alone and never got over the thrill which has been with me ever since
When I was in the fifth grade one of my classmates got a leather skirt and vest. She wasn’t a very attractive girl but I felt attracted to her anyway and started a friendship. I didn’t realize that at the time but I think I wanted to wear her skirt and vest. I moved away in the 7th grade and some boys I hung out at school with started calling each other women’s names. It started when everybody started calling Brendan Brenda. They called me Patty. I knew a girl named Patty who I had a crush on and I… Read more »