When I was around the age of puberty, I occasionally hung out with the girl next door. Being in the country, that was a short walk from our house. She was a year or two younger than me. Considering that I only hung out with the guys one house over from hers on a nearly constant basis playing football, baseball, etc., I found myself confused at my interest in my new friend.

Well, sure, there were hormones going (I’m not gay), and she was kind of cute, but I wasn’t really “attracted” to her, per se. To be honest, her family was a bit quirky. She was not an exception.

But one day, I saw her in a dress.

She was just playing outside, running around, doing whatever all in a dress. No special occasion going on that day, she just decided to wear a dress. Back in those days, girls didn’t wear a dress except on those special holidays, or maybe to church. She was out in her yard, in a dress just because she wanted to wear one on that particular day.

I normally would cut through their front yard (the parents were fine with that) on my way to “the guys” house, and I stopped to chat. I didn’t make it to the guys’ house for a while.

As we played in the yard, she brought up the fact that she loved to wear dresses. This one was a bit over-sized, hem below her knees, and a flouncy A-line. I loved watching it move as she walked and played and danced. I can still see it (I’m sure the details have been edited by a faulty memory), a broad yellow floral cotton dress, puffy shoulders, and a high waist.

I felt something flutter in my chest as I watched. I didn’t know what that was. I felt guilty for feeling it. I assumed it was because I was lusting. But I didn’t know at the time that I was lusting as much (or more) for the dress as for the girl. I felt guilty. Like I shouldn’t be watching so closely.

I don’t know why, but she brought up the dress, and how much she loved dresses. “I would wear them all the time if I could,” she said. “My Mom gives me dresses, and I wear them around the house when I can.”

In looking back, I can see that I was putting myself in her shoes. Without understanding or even knowing that envy was the dominate feeling that caused the “flutter” from me unconsciously putting myself in that dress. I felt empowered by her revelation and confession that a dress was a feeling that girls enjoyed! It wasn’t just a social convention that women cowtowed to. There was a special girl feeling that came with wearing a dress and it was unique and delicious. As I contemplated that feeling, I was both electrified and mortified by my reaction. I felt confused on the inside with my feelings about how I would feel wearing that dress of hers!

But all the same, I thought about how that dress would feel on me. I thought about wearing only soft little panties under the dress. I imagined my legs naked and smooth down to the ground, moving in freedom under the dress, and the cloth caressing my skin. I saw her move freely, legs together or stretched out to either side while covered in soft fabric in a tent of privacy and femininity.

I can look back, now, and see how I was experiencing those moments. I can see that confusion about my feelings about the dress conflicting with my male persona (persona is Greek for “mask”) that was not allowed to consider these thoughts.

I can see now that the confusion was also fueled by the time when I was 8 at Halloween and my sisters dressed me as a little girl and one of the people at a Trick or Treat house asked me, “And what are you supposed to be, little girl?” And his face dropped when his friend nudged him with a look, and he figured it out, and the room went silent.

I wanted that dress. I wanted to wear that dress. But I was confused and ashamed. I was afraid that if I continued to hang out with her that I would ask her if I could wear one of her dresses. I’m guessing she would have said yes, and I would frolic in the yard in a dress and panties, and then all “the guys” would find out, and that would be hell.

I didn’t ask. And because of my confusion and my fear that I would act on my urge – I stopped hanging out with her.

Sitting here, now, in my dress, a simple frock that reminds me of that yellow dress, I am encouraged by that early moment in my life that affirms the truth of who I am today. Whether I am transgender, gender non-conforming, or gender fluid, I have always been Lorie. And today she is freer than she has ever been before. She continues to be that little girl in the dress playing in the yard, carefree and happy.

Girls, can you share with us a time you had an encounter with a girl back when you were a young boy that gave you the desire of wanting to wear a dress?

Or tell me about the very first time you got the desire to wear female clothing if it happened when you were a young boy.

Thanks for reading my story and I look so forward to hearing your responses to my article!

Sincerely, Lorie

 

 

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38 Comments
  1. Brenda Scott 3 weeks ago

    Growing up with a sister I had similar struggles. I recall one day when I was about 7 my sister and a brother who was a year younger than me came out of her room. She was wearing jeans however she had dressed my brother in her first communion dress. I know how I should have felt but I didn’t. I know I wondered how it felt to wear that dress. Moments later my sister took my hand and pulled me back into her room. She proceeded to dress me in one of her school uniforms. I wore a white top and plaid pleated skirt, along with a pair of black and white saddle shoes. Once dressed she too pulled me out for all to see. All that is was my mother and brother. I felt embarrassed since I had mixed feelings at the time. Prior to this I had developed a keen interest in girls dresses, but knew enough to keep it to myself. However here I was, as was my brother both dressed as girls in front of my mother, and sister, and not being teased. As a juvenile we don’t think things through as much as we do as an adult. I then told my sister I wanted to change. My mother said not yet and told us to sit at the table. We had lunch, still wearing a dress, after which we were told to watch tv. We ended up spending the afternoon dressed up. All things come to an end and prior to my dad coming home my sister took us back into her bedroom where we both changed back one at a time.

    As I was changing back my sister had me sit next to her on the bed. She then started asking me how I liked the clothes I wore.

    I guess I left my guard down and told her I liked it. She gave me a huge smile. She asked me if I would like to dress up again.

    I replied I would. She gave me a hug and I completed putting on my boy clothes.

    I don’t think my brother ever did dress up again. While that may be true for him I didn’t stop. Under my sister’s guidance. She showed me how to do my make up, how to properly walk as a girl, how to dress, and especially how to walk in progressively higher high heels. This happened in the 70’s so there wasn’t really much of anything to read up on the subject of boys dressing as girls but realized that’s exactly who I was.

    I grew up and went off to college. I never really considered dressing up at college and thought I’d put it away. It didn’t last long. I started going to a few thrift stores to begin with as well as a few self help shoes stores.

    Thankfully I had in a sense won the lodging lottery at college. I had a private dorm room. I didn’t have to worry so much about getting caught. One day, after I started dressing up again we had a semester change. New schedule meant new classes and classmates.

    In my biology class I noticed one girl liking at me, with a slight smile). She looked familiar but I couldn’t place her. It took a while but then realized she worked at one of the second hand stores I had shopped at.

    After class she approached me and started up a conversation. She knew about my hobby, as she put it.

    After slowly getting to know each other we started dating. We eventually got married. Today my feminine side is able to express herself, at appropriate times.

    Both my wife and sister know of my dressing up and that each other is aware they both know about it. Periodically us three girls do get together. Even though I never had to fear telling my girlfriend, and now wife, I still do limit myself as to when I dress up.

    I also prioritize my wife’s needs. I think too often people are get consumed with themself and forget about others.

    • Author
      Lorie Peace 3 weeks ago

      Brenda, what a beautiful story. It sounds like the fantasy that so many of us would have chosen if we could. Your story told me about possible ways of looking at myself in relationship. Thank you.
      Hugs, Lorie

    • Jennifer Gordon 3 weeks ago

      Hi Brenda, I really enjoyed your story. I am new to cdh so hearing similar stories helps me a lot. I am in Texas and very happy.

  2. Diane McG 3 weeks ago

    I understand 100% your response to the dress.
    I did not realize it until lately that a large part of my attraction to women has been the clothes.
    When I was in the Boy Scouts, they had a Halloween party and my mom borrowed a neighbor girls clothes and made me up as a girl. I was in heaven.
    I already had a strong nylon panty fetish.
    Time went by, I got married, thought that would end the “weird” stuff.
    No way, I bought silky nighties for my wife, but they were really for me to wear when I could.
    Eventually, I decided to stop the purge cycles, and wear panties fully time, in the laundry they went.
    Wife wasn’t too happy but I made it clear I was tired of hiding. This evolved into wearing nylon nightgowns to bed most nights.
    I was married for 45 years.
    Since my wife died 3 years ago, I got into crossdressing big time. That is a long story for another time.
    I go out to meetings enfemme a couple of times a month. The rest of the time I present as a man, but wear almost exclusively women’s clothes, except when I am with my GF. I’ve told her all about my lifestyle. She prefers me to be her “stud muffin” when with her, and I indulge her sometimes, depending on the situation. She does not want to see me enfemme, but knows it will not go away. Been together over 2 years. Lots of good times, just wish she could love all of me.

    • Author
      Lorie Peace 3 weeks ago

      Diane, thanks for sharing your story. I love what you said about tired of hiding. It all became clear when I started dressing in earnest that I had been hiding from my femme self! Then I was tired of hiding from me, and I welcomed Lorie fully into my life.
      There are some who say there is no compromise, but I wonder what it will be like for me in my next relationship.
      Hugs, Lorie

      • Diane McG 7 days ago

        Make it a priority to share about this early on in a relationship. My GF does not want to see me enfemme, but she decided to be my GF after I had told her about my hobby. So I am not hiding the fact that I dress, and go to meetings that way. In fact, I don’t hide anything from her, and that is the way she likes it. I just don’t force her to see me as Diane. It’s working and I remind myself “The grass is always greener.” I wonder if I could ever find a gal that was so much fun if I let her go.

      • Author
        Lorie Peace 7 days ago

        Yes, Diane, share early on. That’s my game plan. I think that will be easier and easier the more I am getting comfortable with myself in all my gender presentations.

    • Jennifer Gordon 3 weeks ago

      Hi Diane, For me it started with my mother’s stockings and then grew from there. I went thru the difficult times of fighting the desire to dress but finally came to the realization that this is the real me. I love my nylon panties, garter and stockings. I’m in Texas. Where are you?

      • Diane McG 1 week ago

        Hi Jennifer,
        I’m in Berwyn, IL near Chicago.
        I’ve been sharing with more people about my crossdressing these days. Most people seem to think it is fun too.
        Went to see my dermatologist today in semi-drab. He never said anything about my nylon panties. When we were done, I share that I was having fun crossdressing these days. He said it was a lot easier these days.
        Also shared with my next door neighbors. The thought I was my sister when they saw me leaving one time.
        I only go out enfemme about twice a month, but I think that will be increasing.

      • Jennifer Gordon 6 days ago

        Hi Diane, Thank you for getting back with me. I had a similar situation awhile back with my family doctor. I was wearing nylon panties with pantyhose. I’m pretty sure he saw them but I really don’t care. When in drab i’m usually in my panties and stockings. Without them the anxiety takes over. I love my feminine side but it has it’s drawbacks. Society is slow in it’s acceptance for sure. I am trying to ease my closet dressing. It can be very frustrating especially in a small Texas town. Do you belong to a cd group? I know cdh has been very helpful to me. I look forward to hearing from you. Hugs, Jennifer. xx

  3. Jennifer Gordon 3 weeks ago

    Hi Lorie, I just joined cdh and I remember when I would see young girls in their dresses. I was so excited just thinking of how I would look in her dress. Around age 12 I started wearing my mother’s stockings and panties. As I got older I became ashamed of wearing the clothes so I stopped. As we all know that didn’t last very long. I was so frustrated with my situation that I got rid of all the clothes. The usual tale that we all reveal. That darn purge thing. Finally the acceptance after many years. Be well and I hope to hear from you.

    • Author
      Lorie Peace 4 days ago

      Yay for acceptance! For me, acceptance has been a process, not a switch that I can suddenly turn on. That old pattern of shame still wants to reach up and pull me down. It’s losing it’s power as time goes by and I get support from CDH sisters and my sisters at my support group.

      Welcome home.
      Lorie

      • Jennifer Gordon 4 days ago

        Hi Lorie. It’s great to hear from you. As time goes by the shame and guilt always keeps shifting. Finding cdh is a wonderful thing. I am finally comfortable in my dressing although there are those moments. It’s so special to share our thoughts. We have many sisters out there for sure. Be safe and happy hun. xx

  4. Denise Ray 3 weeks ago

    Lorie thank you for sharing your experience with us. When I was five years old in 1963 I attended a wedding of my fathers cousin. When she walked down the aisle and everyone was watching her I was smitten. To this day, that image of her is my standard of beauty. The way she looked , moved and interacted with everyone has become my template for presenting as a woman. Several years ago when I met her at her fathers funeral, at the same church, I shared with her the impact that she had on me that day.
    I have lived near her most of my life and she is now in her late seventies, in all stages of life she has been the ideal of what I have pursued in presenting as a female.
    I would be interested to hear if others have had similar experiences.

    Denise

    • Author
      Lorie Peace 4 days ago

      As a life coach, I help my clients realize that we cannot see or admire the way others exhibit certain traits unless we already possess them ourselves. I’m guessing you saw yourself in your relative.

      What a beautiful thing to be able to share that story with her.

      I don’t have a similar “mentor” that comes to mind, but I watch women who move and interact with others that I feel is something to aspire to. I’ll have to see if there is someone in my past that had the “template.”

  5. Deana 3 weeks ago

    I first dressed when I was 11, my mother and sister dressed me up for Halloween. I was put into a skirt and blouse and they applied some makeup to my face. I didn’t fully understand then my feelings but it was exciting and strange feeling. I did realize that I felt comfortable and happy in the clothes. I would try on undergarments and clothes but would just brush it off. However I could not get away from the joy of wearing women’s clothing.
    It was during my first marriage that I would dress in my ex’s clothes again without any one else’s knowledge. I was slim enough I could wear her clothing and would do a little makeup. I knew it felt right and good for me. Sadly though I still can’t share this with my current spouse, she has made it clear she won’t tolerate it. I accept that but enjoy dressing when I can and have gone out briefly dressed. It is an exciting but satisfying experience.
    I accept my current status but will enjoy my opportunities to dress and will venture out when I can. I know that for now I enjoy my femme side.

    • Jennifer Gordon 6 days ago

      Hi Deana, I started dressing around age 12. It’s funny how that works. My mother’s stockings started it for me. Next was the panties and here I am 50 years later. I am still closeted and I am frustrated with that. Living in a small town in Texas can be tough. If it wasn’t for cdh i’m Not sure where I would be. When in drab without the stockings and panties the anxiety takes over. Looking back at the early years of the dressing and the frustrations seem like a 100 years ago. When I was married I didn’t dare go near the clothes in fear of being found out. Now that I am single it becomes easier to be myself. Reaching out feels great. I’ve kept these feelings bottled up many years. Thank you for contacting me.

    • Author
      Lorie Peace 4 days ago

      Deanna, I had a similar experience for Halloween when I was 7 or 8. I, too, was mystified and electrified by the feeling of wearing a skirt, etc., walking around in this outfit just the way a girl gets to live.

      When I would dress in the pre-pubescent years on rare occassions, and I was flummoxed about the feelings I felt. Once I was in puberty, I used the stimulation for release, and wondered about my sexuality. Back them I assumed gender identity was directly tied to sexual orientation, but I had no interest in boys or men. So I assumed I was just a bit of a pervert.

      So happy that i learned better since then, even if it’s for only the last few years of my life. The simple joy that I feel as I sit here in a pencil mini skirt and lacy top is exquisite. I’m in the moment and grateful.

  6. Dorothy Brinson 11 hours ago

    I spent my 50th birthday at David’s Bridal trying on Wedding Dresses. My wife and 2 of my cousins went with me. One of the best birthdays I have ever had. David’s Bridal will allow men to try out on dresses

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