I grew up in a nice family environment with an older brother.  My personality is similar to my mother’s.  My mom is a calm, understanding, and loving type, and my dad is loving as well, but in a different way.  He is also a strong and hard man.  He is strong in his morals and beliefs and was hard on my brother and me when he felt he needed to be.

I remember as a young boy being drawn to girl’s clothing.  One of my first memories is at my grandmother’s house wearing my aunt’s black leather boots around.  At that age, I’m sure it’s normal for any boy to do that, but it felt different for me.  I was drawn to them.  I remember spending a lot of time in the bathroom trying on my mom’s clothes.  They obviously didn’t fit, but it felt good to wear them.  I was never drawn to boy’s clothing like I was to girl’s clothing.  I remember thinking how nice they looked and how nice girls looked in them.  I would often wonder why boy’s clothes weren’t like that.

My mom often wore pants to work with knee-high stockings.  When she got home, she would take them off and lay them beside the couch.  When I was in elementary school, I would sit on the couch and watch cartoons in the morning before school.  If my mom’s stockings were still there, I would put them on under a blanket.  I remember one morning my dad coming and telling me to get ready for school, and when I took the blanket off, he saw the stockings on my feet.  He rushed over to me and started yelling.  “WHY ARE THOSE ON YOUR FEET? TAKE THOSE OFF; THOSE ARE FOR GIRLS, YOU’RE NOT A GIRL, YOU’RE A BOY, BOYS DON’T WEAR THOSE.”  I remember crying and later being really scared and confused.

The feelings didn’t go away.  I was still drawn to girl’s clothing, and I wanted to wear them, but I couldn’t.  I was a boy, and boys don’t wear those.  I couldn’t help myself, though.  What was wrong with me?  Why was I like this?  Was I supposed to be a girl?

I knew I couldn’t let my dad catch me again, so I was careful about how and when I would do it.  He was a career firefighter and worked 24-hour shifts, which provided opportunities.  I also didn’t know how my mom would react, so I needed to be careful so she wouldn’t catch me either.

I wasn’t careful enough because I remember her finding a pair of her pantyhose in my room.  She asked me about them, and I think I told her something along the lines of liking to see women wearing them, so I put them on and looked at myself.  Her approach was slightly different than my dad’s.  She told me not to wear them, brought me a JC Penny catalog, and told me to just look at the women in the catalog.  I look back, and I think it was a cute and funny gesture.

After that, I started finding better ways of hiding things.  It was mostly pantyhose because I felt my mom would definitely miss other items.  Since she already found a pair of pantyhose, I was sure I would be the prime suspect.

Once I started puberty, another feeling arose.  When I would dress and see myself, I would begin to get a sense of arousal.  That just added to the confusion, and I would rip the clothes off in disgust because I’m a boy, and boys don’t wear those.  The feeling of wanting to wear them never went away.  Once my hormones leveled out, the arousal feeling went away, and I felt more like myself when I dressed.  I was starting to date girls, which offered opportunities to buy clothes of my own.  Christmas was the best time because it would seem like I was buying a gift.

I raced BMX bikes as a young teen, and once I was in high school, I started my first job at a bicycle shop.  Working there, I learned of road racing, like the Tour de France.  In road racing, cyclist shave their legs (not for aerodynamics as many think).  I was intrigued by this and decided to start racing road bikes.  The thought of being able to shave my legs excited me.  It made me feel a little bit more like a girl, especially when I would dress.

I remember my parents coming to my first race.  I pulled off my sweatpants to get ready, and there were my silky smooth legs.  I remember my dad asking my mom under his breath, “did he shave his legs?” and my mom replied, “they all shave their legs.”  I could tell he was bothered by it, but he never said anything to me about it.

I continued to race bicycles through most of my adult life, but not solely to shave my legs.  I enjoyed the sport and was passionate about it.  It didn’t hurt the way my legs looked in a skirt and a pair of heels either.

Throughout my young adult years, the conflict of trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why I was like this and was I supposed to be a girl still rumbled inside.  The feelings of wanting to wear women’s clothes never went away.  My dad’s words still rang inside my head, though, along with the vision of the stern look on his face, “YOU’RE A BOY, BOYS DON’T WEAR THOSE.”

After high school, I started my career as a firefighter, and on weekends when I wasn’t working, I started going to clubs with friends.  I loved the music and the people seemed to suit me.  Drugs were a big part of the scene, and unfortunately, I fell victim to that and started using various types of drugs.

In the club scene, I did, however, meet a girl, and we started dating.  We had some gay friends, and because of that, I felt she wouldn’t judge me if I told her about this other side of me.  I mustered up the courage and spilled the beans to someone for the very first time.  She was interested in seeing me dressed, so I made her close her eyes while I put on my hose, a dress, and a pair of heels.  I will never forget when she opened her eyes.  She gave a little head nod with a slightly scrunched face and said, “oh, f*ck yeah!”  That made me feel good, and I was relieved.  I considered myself a freak with a dark secret and she was accepting and supportive.

One bad trait I had was insecurity.  The drugs only amplified this, and if she was ever hanging out with her friends while I was working, I became very jealous and eventually ruined our relationship.  I was a jerk and it was one of many regrets in my life.

Quite a few years later, I would eventually meet the woman I would marry.  She pulled me out of the drug-filled world I was in and cleaned me up.  We had a child together, but unfortunately, our marriage would crumble when, ironically, she became addicted to opioids.

I never told her about the other side of me.  It sounds weird because she was the woman I loved and trusted, but I was never sure how she would react.  I think I was more afraid of losing her than I was of what she would think of me.

She eventually found out by chance after we had separated.  I had carelessly left a pair of shoes inside a bin in our closet.  When she asked, I gave her a summary of my story.  She wasn’t understanding and would later try to use it against me.

After a few more failed relationships, I’ve lost the desire to date.  The conflict still rumbles within and can be overwhelming at times.  I have periods of depression that can last for weeks.  I’m able to hide it and deal with it pretty well, though.  I’ve never had any thoughts of harming myself.

I remember my mom telling me at some point in my life when she was pregnant with me; she had hoped that I would be a girl.  I always had a feeling that I should have been a girl and would often wonder why I wasn’t a girl.  I don’t think the questions of why am I like this and was I supposed to be a girl can be answered.  I know now that there is nothing wrong with me.  I’m a boy, and boys DO wear those!

Thank you so much for reading my article and if you have any response to my article or if you’d like to answer one or more of the following questions.

  • When you were a young boy, were you ever caught in the act of wearing feminine clothing by either one of your parents and what was their reaction?
  • When someone you had a relationship with got the news you were a cross dresser, was there acceptance or non acceptance from that person?
  • If you’ve been married for many years and your wife has no clue you are a cross dresser, what do you think her reaction would be if you came out of that cross dressing closet with the big news?

Thanks again for your time and responses!

Sincerely, Deni

 

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Deni

Crossdressing is something I have done since I was a little boy. I started around 6 or 7. I don't know if I could completely explain why. I have always had an admiration for women's clothing and how elegant they can look. I used to think that something was wrong with me. When I was very young, my dad caught me with my moms stockings on and came down on me pretty hard. I remember being terrified, crying and confused about it all. I know now that nothing is wrong with me, it's who I am, but even in my late 40's, there is still a battle inside me.

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Bettylou Cox
Duchess
Active Member
20 days ago

Hi Deni, I have no sisters, and went with my dad when the family split up, so I never had the chance to wear girl things, except once. When I was 15, I was visiting with my mom and brother, and I once tried on one of mom’s dresses. My brother caught me, and I hid under her bed. And I remember wondering if I wasn’t “supposed to have been a girl, but something went wrong”. I suppress the urge to Dress throughout my adult life, until a few years ago, when the need to CD overwhelmed me. And I… Read more »

Genevïéve
Active Member
18 days ago
Reply to  Bettylou Cox

Yes we do…. and yes it is…

Gen ❤

Peggy Sue Williams
Baroness
Trusted Member
19 days ago

Deni, Great article and well-written, straight from your heart! Sorry to hear the battle is still raging. I am not a professional in psychological areas, but it sounds as though you are still dealing with the cross dressing and how it fits into you life? Yeah, we have all been there and are there. And you are a fire fighter no less, a manly-type profession. I am retired career military, also an alcoholic, sober since 1991. Later civilian career was with a federal regulatory agency. Yes, how can we be 100% heterosexual, love women AND love their clothes too? The… Read more »

Rowena Gold
Member
19 days ago

Dear Peggy Sue, “Can I share? I try never to refer to my female-self as a separate entity and/or personality. My female-self is the female part(s) of my personality which must be expressed periodically by wearing clothing associated with the female gender in our culture. Peace, to me, is knowing I am one whole person.” Thank you for sharing that because it describes me almost exactly. My female-self is just another aspect of my male-self. We share a body and a life together. After decades of denial I am now free to express my female-self. I doubt that I am… Read more »

Peggy Sue Williams
Baroness
Trusted Member
14 days ago
Reply to  Rowena Gold

Rowena,

Truly an amazing place, CDH! We are alike in so many ways, yet, individually unique at the same time.

Peggy Sue

Genevïéve
Active Member
18 days ago

Such a lovely post Peggy Sue…

Gen ❤

Peggy Sue Williams
Baroness
Trusted Member
17 days ago
Reply to  Genevïéve

Thank you, Genevieve!

Rowena Gold
Member
19 days ago

“Thank you so much for reading my article and if you have any response to my article or if you’d like to answer one or more of the following questions. When you were a young boy, were you ever caught in the act of wearing feminine clothing by either one of your parents and what was their reaction? When someone you had a relationship with got the news you were a cross dresser, was there acceptance or non acceptance from that person? If you’ve been married for many years and your wife has no clue you are a cross dresser,… Read more »

Lisa Fox
Active Member
19 days ago

Hi Deni, Great article, which I can relate, although I was an only child and my mother remarried was I was 11. My step father was gruff and basically thought I was too soft. Like many I over compensated by playing football and other activities. I think my mother knew of my dressing and going into her clothes, but never said anything. Once when I was 18 and came home drunk one night, I closed the door to my bedroom and dressed in some sexy lingerie and passed out on my bed. My mother opened my door in the middle… Read more »

Rikki Edwards
Active Member
18 days ago

A very soul searching and personal article. I am sure many of us here have had similar, but not exactly the same, experiences. I too wore my mothers pantyhose on the sly, as well as her padded bras and shoes, when I could. I too had my stashed of pantyhose discovered and got subjected to “the talk”. And I have had one marriage go to the wayside. Good for you to bare you soul like that and happy dressing for you in the future!

Genevïéve
Active Member
18 days ago

Hi Deni…. Thank you for sharing… ❤ My mother caught me wearing a pair of her Granny Panties in my bedroom ‘closet”… I was severely scolded. Well…. I finally told my wife of 28 years (29 now… today is our wedding anniversary) last August of my escalating feminine side. Initially, she was taken back a tad…. wasn’t sure what to think. She was amazed that I could keep it a secret for so many years… she had no clue. She was partially accepting… she said “Whatever make you feel comfortable… do it”. However she did not want to meet Genevïéve…… Read more »

Harietta
Member
17 days ago

After literally over five decades of exploring my feminine feelings very few people know about Harietta. My ex-wife found out because some press-on nails were in the car. She objected and sent me to her psychologist. I went two times and lied that I was clear on the problem. I decided that I had to learn to accept and manage my love of dressing. I now dress incredibly well, with pro hair and makeup, but in infrequent but well managed episodes. It works. I want to meet an accepting woman and to dress more with her. But I prefer to… Read more »

Larkin Charles
Member
17 days ago

Hi, Deni. Love your story. Me? I was in my lower teens when I found out that I loved to see pics of girls in bondage. I would go to a small store near me that had that some bondage magazines. I would secretly look through them. I began wondering what I would look like that way. When Mom and Dad weren’t around, I would dress in some of Mom’s clothes and try some self-bondage. I loved the way it felt. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I found two others with similar interests. We would dress… Read more »

Gwyneth Simpson
Member
17 days ago

I can only offer a response to the last question. I’ve been married to my 2nd wife for 32 years. Turbulent to say the least. Since I have only scratched the surface of CDing, I’ve easily kept it a secret. I do believe if she found this out about me she would leave. And knowing her this way, I also believe she would use it as a wedge between me and my kids. I rarely get to the point where I want to risk that.

Willa Kissing
Member
17 days ago

Dear Deni, I grew up with a sister that I would wear her hose, heels, dresses, bikinis, lingerie, panties and bras when no one was home, and I had to learn the art of dressing and undressing before the family got home. I was never caught, but my sister would leave notes in her panty bra and hosiery drawer to keep out for whom ever it was. I secretively wished my sister and her friends would catch me and turn me into their personal dressing slave so they would not tell the family. Once I hit puberty it became harder… Read more »

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