I hadn’t given much thought to crossdressing the last 26 years. I can’t tell you why I quit, but I knew my belief in Christianity had been a large influence. That was back in 1988; I was 28 years old. Life passes and the year was 2014, I had separated from my wife and moved to Texas. I’d settled into life as much as I could. I found a good church, decent house, and was starting my business up again. One must eat and furnish the house, even if it is only temporary, so off to the nearest Walmart I went.

I’ve always hated shopping, so much so that I had trained my wife to never allow me to shop. But right now, things are different. I must use every organizational skill I possess. I set about to make my lists, by departments, food, kitchen, bath, and clothes. It’s off to shop (or to a slow agonizing torture.)

Focus I tell myself over and over again as I feel the crowd closing in. I know I have to move fast; I can feel the anxiety rising inside me. Shortcuts I tell myself;  If I cut through those racks, avoiding all the risks I can see both ways, then the narrowness of the racks has to be the least intrusive option rather than enduring the panic I imagine feeling in the midst of all the people in the main aisles.

I take a deep breath and plunge my body in between the racks of clothing. I am cruising through, looking at the people all around and doing my best to avoid them. I see this lady; she is heading towards me. The panic kicks up a notch; I know an encounter is imminent. I quickly scan for an escape route. I bolt to the right, take four steps when I feel it brush my arm. Everything in me went crazy. I freeze in my tracks, my mind begins to scream, no, not again.

My mind exploded with emotions I hadn’t felt in 24 years. At that moment I knew I should run and not look back. I wasn’t going to be able to finish my list. I told myself not to look for the trigger that had caused this flood of emotions, but I had to look, I had to see what set me off. After all, I’d come here to put some things in perspective from a troubled marriage. The only way to deal with these panic attacks or what I sometimes refer to as internal nuclear explosions, is to identify the culprit that started the chaos.

I turned my head to the right and there it was. I couldn’t believe it; I see them, and I realize this raging turmoil isn’t panic driven at all. My nuclear explosion is a sudden and highly unexpected flood of emotions as I stand face-to-face with a pair of lace hipster women’s panties. My heart is racing; memories, images of a long-ago forgotten life that I once lived overwhelm me.

Exceptional Voice

I knew I should run, get away. I shouldn’t let images of my former days as a crossdresser flood my mind. Those days were past … they are over. And yet, I stare at those panties as the argument inside of me rages on. Those past memories, the feelings of slipping on a soft pair of lace panties colliding with my chosen lifestyle as a pastor and Christian. My body felt like it was vibrating inside, every nerve stretched taunt like piano wire. I hadn’t felt this kind of intensity in years.

I was feeling so overwhelmed that I shook my head trying to snap myself back to reality. “Remember, you came to Texas to heal your life, find wholeness. It’s time to get out of here before you do something stupid,” I said to myself. So, I grabbed the panties in one hand and the cart with my other and headed for the self-checkout line. I am heading home with my new lace panties.

After my purchase, I nearly run to my motorcycle, and race home to try them on. I leave all my other purchases on the bike, rip into the house, tear off my clothes, and sit down on the couch. I slip on the prettiest pair of pink panties. They had just about reached my knees when I freeze in panic again. The sensual feel of the lace against my skin. My Christian values that I have lived under all these years. Here I am, standing in my front room stark naked except for a beautiful pink pair of panties around my knees. I know if I pull them the rest of the way up my life will be altered forever. Very hesitantly, I began to move the panties the direction I knew they were supposed to go.

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As the silkiness of the panties slid across the skin of my leg, I knew I would have to confront the shame and guilt of violating my Christian values and lifestyle. I think you can guess which direction the panties landed…🌹

 

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    Stephanie

    I am an introverted extrovert. I enjoy dressing alternatively.

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    Mika Malone
    Duchess
    Active Member
    6 months ago

    Thank you for sharing this. One thing you should understand is that the definition of Christian values varies wildly. A lot of people pick and choose Old Testament laws of their own choosing to adhere to or to pass their own judgment on others so they can feel like their sin isn’t as bad. But I am a Christian, a follower of Jesus and not the Pharisees and Sadducees. The old has passed and the new has come. The old laws are just that and the new way is through Jesus. He never spoke out against crossdressing and certainly didn’t… Read more »

    Riley McCort
    Member
    6 months ago
    Reply to  Mika Malone

    You just made me cry! Thank you so much for that Mika! Look up a post I wrote when I first joined here about this very thing!
    Riley

    Neha M
    Active Member
    6 months ago
    Reply to  Mika Malone

    Be kind ! Religion teaches the same! By being kind to yourself, you’re truly doing what god would have expected to do to everyone! You are lovely babe!

    Mika Malone
    Duchess
    Active Member
    6 months ago
    Reply to  Neha M

    Thank you, Neha. You hit the nail on the head about being kind. As Christians, we are told by Jesus that the greatest commandment is to love thy neighbor as thyself. So many take His name in vain and don’t do that just because someone is different than them. Thanks, for your kind words.

    Rozalyne Richards
    Active Member
    6 months ago

    Hi Stephanie thanks for sharing your story with us x
    I don’t think it’s a sin to be a Crossdresser i don’t think Jesus will condem us for doing something that is in our hearts,
    There are quite a lot worse sins in life than being a cross-dresser i know because i think I’ve done quite a few over the years,
    I’ve tried giving up crossdressing so many times in the past but i still find myself putting on my pretty female clothes when the urges take hold of me xxxxx
    Hugs Roz xxxxx

    Amanda Woods
    Member
    6 months ago

    I have tried and purged, tried and purged!! I can’t, I walk by sexy clothes and only imagine them on me. I am also a Christian and feel guilty in oh so many ways. But it is ok, love to all you girls out there!

    Amy Myers
    Baroness
    Noble Member
    6 months ago

    Thank you for sharing what was obviously a rather terrifying experience for you. I can understand your conflict, and I had a discussion with my own minister about this, and I came out of it feeling much better about myself. Like another poster said, Christianity is a very wide and varied faith but I do not think that this is a sin. I am not a deeply religious person, but I do try to live my life well, and to be the best person I can be. Though the last few years that best person seems to include my femme… Read more »

    Alicia C
    Active Member
    6 months ago

    One of the things that got me out of religion was guilt for being yourself when it wasn’t harming anyone else. Religions are in part about conformity to group think, except all the large religions are all over the place in what they preach, never mind actually practice. First and foremost christianity doesn’t have an issue with crossdressing despite the mistranslated and misinterpeted OT verse used to condem it, same for the other OT verse about same homosexual experiences. The translators and re-writers of the bible had an agenda and its still here centuries later. The “original” texts have different… Read more »

    Kara Sumtymes
    Member
    6 months ago

    As I was reading 1 thought came out to me was,, the type of feelings you had experienced while in Walmart you had been nervous &,, the memories of your past have might just have been a reminder of healing of given this up for such & such amount of years &,,, you were FINE with it right? I would say that that was called a,,, type of healing from the LORD +++ Amen so now fast forward AGAIN/ now!! As you know especially being a Pastor of perhaps ways GOD talks to us,,, definitely by HIS Word +++ &… Read more »

    Zoe Laws
    Member
    6 months ago

    I hold atheist views, but I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in the Bible against wearing nice clothes. Leviticus mentions mixing of fibres, but it also tells you about selling slaves and not eating shell fish.

    Alicia C
    Active Member
    6 months ago
    Reply to  Zoe Laws

    there is a verse about men should not wear women’s clothes, well in current translations thats how it reads. of course J never says anything about it but clearly wouldn’t of had a problem with it since he was all about acceptance.

    Diane McG
    Member
    6 months ago
    Reply to  Alicia C

    The New Testament teaches clearly that we are not justified by keeping the Old Testament Law. Anyone throws Leviticus at you they are WRONG!
    I agree wholeheartedly that you should listen to Jesus, not the current day analogs of the Pharassees and Sadusees of Jesus’ time.

    Zoe Laws
    Member
    6 months ago
    Reply to  Alicia C

    The other matter is of course these things were written thousands of years ago, by one tribe of people in one small part of one small planet. Do we really think the Lord or their son cares about it? They’ve got a universe to run, after all.

    Rachel Harper
    Member
    6 months ago

    wow. I go through this every time I am in a woman’s section in a store. Do I let my true self come out or do I maintain my beliefs and avoid the guilt and embarrassment. Its a lot to go through.

    Becca Booty
    Active Member
    6 months ago

    Your story is incredibly HOT. I’d of love to seen how those pink panties looked on you and the expression on your face. I do hope you continue your story. Thank you for sharing.

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