I hadn’t given much thought to crossdressing the last 26 years. I can’t tell you why I quit, but I knew my belief in Christianity had been a large influence. That was back in 1988; I was 28 years old. Life passes and the year was 2014, I had separated from my wife and moved to Texas. I’d settled into life as much as I could. I found a good church, decent house, and was starting my business up again. One must eat and furnish the house, even if it is only temporary, so off to the nearest Walmart I went.
I’ve always hated shopping, so much so that I had trained my wife to never allow me to shop. But right now, things are different. I must use every organizational skill I possess. I set about to make my lists, by departments, food, kitchen, bath, and clothes. It’s off to shop (or to a slow agonizing torture.)
Focus I tell myself over and over again as I feel the crowd closing in. I know I have to move fast; I can feel the anxiety rising inside me. Shortcuts I tell myself; If I cut through those racks, avoiding all the risks I can see both ways, then the narrowness of the racks has to be the least intrusive option rather than enduring the panic I imagine feeling in the midst of all the people in the main aisles.
I take a deep breath and plunge my body in between the racks of clothing. I am cruising through, looking at the people all around and doing my best to avoid them. I see this lady; she is heading towards me. The panic kicks up a notch; I know an encounter is imminent. I quickly scan for an escape route. I bolt to the right, take four steps when I feel it brush my arm. Everything in me went crazy. I freeze in my tracks, my mind begins to scream, no, not again.
My mind exploded with emotions I hadn’t felt in 24 years. At that moment I knew I should run and not look back. I wasn’t going to be able to finish my list. I told myself not to look for the trigger that had caused this flood of emotions, but I had to look, I had to see what set me off. After all, I’d come here to put some things in perspective from a troubled marriage. The only way to deal with these panic attacks or what I sometimes refer to as internal nuclear explosions, is to identify the culprit that started the chaos.
I turned my head to the right and there it was. I couldn’t believe it; I see them, and I realize this raging turmoil isn’t panic driven at all. My nuclear explosion is a sudden and highly unexpected flood of emotions as I stand face-to-face with a pair of lace hipster women’s panties. My heart is racing; memories, images of a long-ago forgotten life that I once lived overwhelm me.
I knew I should run, get away. I shouldn’t let images of my former days as a crossdresser flood my mind. Those days were past … they are over. And yet, I stare at those panties as the argument inside of me rages on. Those past memories, the feelings of slipping on a soft pair of lace panties colliding with my chosen lifestyle as a pastor and Christian. My body felt like it was vibrating inside, every nerve stretched taunt like piano wire. I hadn’t felt this kind of intensity in years.
I was feeling so overwhelmed that I shook my head trying to snap myself back to reality. “Remember, you came to Texas to heal your life, find wholeness. It’s time to get out of here before you do something stupid,” I said to myself. So, I grabbed the panties in one hand and the cart with my other and headed for the self-checkout line. I am heading home with my new lace panties.
After my purchase, I nearly run to my motorcycle, and race home to try them on. I leave all my other purchases on the bike, rip into the house, tear off my clothes, and sit down on the couch. I slip on the prettiest pair of pink panties. They had just about reached my knees when I freeze in panic again. The sensual feel of the lace against my skin. My Christian values that I have lived under all these years. Here I am, standing in my front room stark naked except for a beautiful pink pair of panties around my knees. I know if I pull them the rest of the way up my life will be altered forever. Very hesitantly, I began to move the panties the direction I knew they were supposed to go.
As the silkiness of the panties slid across the skin of my leg, I knew I would have to confront the shame and guilt of violating my Christian values and lifestyle. I think you can guess which direction the panties landed…🌹