Nayomi is me, another side of me, but me none the less. Is it a choice? Did we choose our gender, or to be right or left handed, or the color of our eyes? No, but what we can choose is how to deal with who we are or who we want to be. When it comes to choices, choosing to be oneself is the most intelligent and rewarding. Choosing to renounce oneself and live a lie just brings forth unhappiness and discontent. I understand the challenges of conforming to social standards and the pressures required for us to be discreet but finding a way to share yourself with someone is very important. This site seems to be a place where that can happen.
I think many myths can be overcome by pointing a partner or significant other to the bits of information and testimonies here. Things like cross dressers “choose” to dress in women’s clothes and can “choose” to stop. Well, uhm, we know that ain’t true! How many have succeeded in the purge? Sure, it’s easy to stop, I’ve done it many times. It is impossible to explain the fundamental need to dress and the devastating negative emotional and psychological consequences one can suffer when deprived of their ability to do so.
We know that legally, we’re free to dress as we choose but socially, we pay a huge price for shopping in a “different” section of the store. Dude, those things are for girls! The social consequences of cross dressing vary widely. In places where there are diverse population centers people may accept or more likely ignore our dress and we’re shown respect and even welcomed. In less diverse communities I think we’re viewed as deviant, creepy, or perverted.
The challenge is overcoming the fear of the people we know finding out who we are. The thought of being discovered and outed because of the ridicule, the insults, the horror that will follow, that will destroy our hopes and dreams! I had to think of what it is I wanted from her, the her that lives inside of me. I tried to let Nayomi go so many times. The purge, the urge, the purge, the urge. I had to accept losing Nayomi was like losing an arm, even if she wasn’t there but I could still feel her.
Convinced I was crazy and worthless, in my later years I suffered from low self-esteem, constant guilt, debilitating depression and I wanted to die. I thought of suicide. I took food as my drug of choice, covered up my pain with acting happy and always cracking jokes. Over time I realized my demon was a blessing; a gift if you will. I decided to embrace Nayomi, and I found a great sense of emotional joy and relief. I have wasted too many years confused or depressed. It was time. I decided to speak to my wife.
I felt like a building had collapsed on my chest. I could not breath, there was a marble in my throat, my vision blurred. The anxiety was awful, painful even. I wanted to stop and run as far as I could. Quietly I spoke to the love of my life and explained how much I loved her, how even men can have a feminine side and how much I loved the sensation of her girly things so much that I wanted to wear them too. In a soft timid voice I explained my emotional relief, joy and happiness as Nayomi. My voice trailed off as I began to sense intense shame as I spoke, but I could not live with myself this way any more.
I find it unbelievably difficult to describe the look on my wife’s face when I spoke to her. The rise in her chest the wrinkles forming between her eyes. I could feel the temperature rise. Finally, she spoke. She said, “I want to speak to this Nayomi and ask her why she waited so long to speak to me?” Thus, my life as a couple of three began and my wife, the love of my life, and Nayomi are best friends.
I know I am blessed. Certainly, I know everyone has unique circumstances. I think I understand a little about the seclusion and fear that lives inside many of us. With that, I want my sisters to know that I will always listen and encourage them to think positive and be beautiful, always. I will share my experiences and try to help them realize that they can be happy even if it is in short periods. Speaking (or writing) with someone unafraid to accept you and your emotions helps so much more than you realize. Thank you CDH for the concept of this site.
Remember, there is nothing wrong with feminine self-expression and therefore nothing wrong with cross dressing. Outsiders don’t understand us, they are misinformed or perhaps not informed at all. For me cross dressing is not a choice, but clearly a need. But another need is that I need to know that I am not alone and let my sisters know they are not alone either.
With Love, Nayomi