‘Is this the real life or is this just fantasy?’ were the opening lyrics to a popular song from the 70’s we have probably all heard and they lead me to think what is the real life and what is fantasy in the life of the cross-dresser? Looking at my own life, I could honestly say that cross dressing was the fantasy in my earlier years. It was certainly during a landslide of emotions that I started seriously for the first time. It was brought on by me trying to escape reality during a very difficult period of my life.
As a young adolescent my parents decided to move north into another country where I was far away from my friends and even the extended family that I knew. What made things worse was that the new school I attended soon became hell for me as I was soon verbally attacked by the students on a daily basis. As a young man I was not even sure what half of the words that the other children used meant and, to be honest, as a middle aged man I still struggle to know what some of the vile things I was subjected to meant. Still there I was, suddenly friendless and alone. Things continued as my grades plummeted and school attendance dropped as I was continually bullied verbally and periodically physically. I spoke to my parents and they told the school. However instead of things stopping they just got worse. Now everyone joined in and I got to my breaking point, contemplating running away right up to suicide. ‘I was just a poor boy from a poor family, spare him is life from this monstrosity’.
There was however no escape from this apart from when one day I stayed home and tried on some of my sister’s clothes. In time I remained at home almost every day and even learnt my father’s signature to forge letters excusing my extended absences from high school. Abbie was born she was far more confident than her male counterpart and lived in a place well away from the thunder and lightning of the bullying at school (which was very very frightening). Soon though the reality of life became a fantasy and living as Abbie went from fantasy to reality. I found a place where I was safe and comfortable. I got no sympathy from anyone at the time, all I had was the escape that was being Abbie. The thoughts of suicide disappeared and in time I embraced her not just in the home but outside as well. I would wear some less obvious female clothes such as my sister’s jeans to school and in essence left behind the bullied boy and enjoyed being a little more confident person. No matter where the wind blew against me she remained and became a constant in my life and made it far more bearable. I was able to stand against the bullies and take what they threw at me. In time they eventually stopped and went to torture some other poor unsuspecting soul.
I was glad they had given up; maybe it was down to Abbie being there and standing against them as I never could have. Most people look for a knight in shining armour but there wasn’t one for me. There was a confident young women who stood with me and helped my life seem far more bearable. She was a protector from those spitting in my eye and those that pretended to love me but would leave me to die.
She got me out of those places and helped me not feel as alone as I did, I knew that I would never be alone ever again.
No matter what has taken place in my life, whether for good or bad she has always been there in the background or right now the foreground, watching over me like a guardian angel; always willing to help and able to step in at a moment’s notice to deal with difficult situations that I have found myself in.
My life is certainly complicated as I slowly discover the different facets or parts that make me who I am. Sometimes I think that I am stark raving bonkers and completely out of my head, but then I realise that I am the sum of my experiences, good and bad and they have moulded me into what stands today against the winds that blow. I am still learning about myself and that means I am also still learning about the angel that has been there with me.
I have gone from trying to get out of here to realising that it does not matter at all, nothing really does so long as I accept myself.
There is still some way to go, but I know that anywhere the wind blows in life I will be able to come to terms with it.