‘Is this the real life or is this just fantasy?’ were the opening lyrics to a popular song from the 70’s we have probably all heard and they lead me to think what is the real life and what is fantasy in the life of the cross-dresser? Looking at my own life, I could honestly say that cross dressing was the fantasy in my earlier years. It was certainly during a landslide of emotions that I started seriously for the first time. It was brought on by me trying to escape reality during a very difficult period of my life.

As a young adolescent my parents decided to move north into another country where I was far away from my friends and even the extended family that I knew. What made things worse was that the new school I attended soon became hell for me as I was soon verbally attacked by the students on a daily basis. As a young man I was not even sure what half of the words that the other children used meant and, to be honest, as a middle aged man I still struggle to know what some of the vile things I was subjected to meant. Still there I was, suddenly friendless and alone. Things continued as my grades plummeted and school attendance dropped as I was continually bullied verbally and periodically physically. I spoke to my parents and they told the school. However instead of things stopping they just got worse. Now everyone joined in and I got to my breaking point, contemplating running away right up to suicide. ‘I was just a poor boy from a poor family, spare him is life from this monstrosity’.

There was however no escape from this apart from when one day I stayed home and tried on some of my sister’s clothes. In time I remained at home almost every day and even learnt my father’s signature to forge letters excusing my extended absences from high school. Abbie was born she was far more confident than her male counterpart and lived in a place well away from the thunder and lightning of the bullying at school (which was very very frightening). Soon though the reality of life became a fantasy and living as Abbie went from fantasy to reality. I found a place where I was safe and comfortable. I got no sympathy from anyone at the time, all I had was the escape that was being Abbie. The thoughts of suicide disappeared and in time I embraced her not just in the home but outside as well. I would wear some less obvious female clothes such as my sister’s jeans to school and in essence left behind the bullied boy and enjoyed being a little more confident person. No matter where the wind blew against me she remained and became a constant in my life and made it far more bearable. I was able to stand against the bullies and take what they threw at me. In time they eventually stopped and went to torture some other poor unsuspecting soul.

I was glad they had given up; maybe it was down to Abbie being there and standing against them as I never could have. Most people look for a knight in shining armour but there wasn’t one for me. There was a confident young women who stood with me and helped my life seem far more bearable. She was a protector from those spitting in my eye and those that pretended to love me but would leave me to die.

She got me out of those places and helped me not feel as alone as I did, I knew that I would never be alone ever again.

No matter what has taken place in my life, whether for good or bad she has always been there in the background or right now the foreground, watching over me like a guardian angel; always willing to help and able to step in at a moment’s notice to deal with difficult situations that I have found myself in.

My life is certainly complicated as I slowly discover the different facets or parts that make me who I am. Sometimes I think that I am stark raving bonkers and completely out of my head, but then I realise that I am the sum of my experiences, good and bad and they have moulded me into what stands today against the winds that blow. I am still learning about myself and that means I am also still learning about the angel that has been there with me.

I have gone from trying to get out of here to realising that it does not matter at all, nothing really does so long as I accept myself.

There is still some way to go, but I know that anywhere the wind blows in life I will be able to come to terms with it.

18 Comments
  1. melissa moore 3 years ago

    Abbie such wonderful article as Skippy said it could be any one of us girls it has brought tears to my eyes as I read your article with memories flooding back too what I have and keep trying to suppress . For me I am the second oldest of six brothers and four sisters. I remember going to a basketball game in northern Wisconsin my dad dropped me off two miles away pinned my arms too my side kneed me so hard I feel to the snow covered ground. I still do not know if it was the pian or being upset and crying that made me vomit.
    Never did make it to the game. Just eat snow and rinsed my mouth out set in snow back for a long time. Melissa was there we walked home the six and half miles thinking over what he said as he walked away ( may be that will fix the problem) I joined the army four years later in 1978 he told my mom that would make a man out of me .
    Well that is some other time. Melissa is still here and like you ladies said it is my strength and has brought me bouts of contemplating suicide. Thank you all for your articles.
    Lots of hugs and kisses to all you wonderful ladies the support is so wonderful.
    I need to start having conversation with you all still trying to figure out how I still am not very computer wise.
    Love to all you

  2. antonia 3 years ago

    Hi Abbie,thanks for that,it brought tears to my eyes as I could so relate to it ,bullied at school,finding Antonia,and finally been me,now I live full time as Antonia with no partner but two wonderful daugthers who except me as me

  3. Samantha Jane 3 years ago

    Abbie, thank you for sharing and glad to hear you sound strong and more confident. Lately I’ve been wondering if we would be the same person we are if we grew up somewhere else, but unfortunately bullying is universal. I’m still developing confidence in my true self which is more feminine than male, but being in a tough environment like New York is not easy to get confidence in being outside dressed, im working on it. We all go at our own pace and listen to that girl/lady inside us to do what truly makes us happy.

  4. Brianna 3 years ago

    Babies,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. It helps.to hear what others have gone through as I still struggle to figure out exactly who and what my femme side is. It seems that your experience has made you that much stronger…good for you girl.

  5. Brianna 3 years ago

    Abbie,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. It helps.to hear what others have gone through as I still struggle to figure out exactly who and what my femme side is. It seems that your experience has made you that much stronger…good for you girl.

  6. Norma 3 years ago

    Abbie: I am happy for you.

  7. Leonara 3 years ago

    Abbie,
    I didn’t experience the verbal bullying that you did but your gift of writing made me feel your helplessness. Thank you for sharing. That is why I love this website to give support to each other which is indicative of the ladies responses.
    I am glad that you found love and share 3 wonderful children….
    Yes you are a great writer and please continue writing
    Leonara

  8. Jaqueline 3 years ago

    When I was a little boy, two girls jumped me in the schoolyard. They pulled my pants down in front of the whole school. I guess to see if I had a penis. So humiliating.
    I was unaware that I was effeminate.
    I repressed that memory until just recently.
    Girls can be worse than boys.
    I buried it all and a lot didn’t surface until my 60’s. Ran away from Jaqueline all my life.

Leave a reply

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Crossdresser Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account