We had to be alone. To hide it. For most of us we were children. Aloneness didn’t feel good. Neither did the anxiety or depression if you were genetically inclined. The guilt we felt after cross dressing wasn’t warranted. What we needed desperately at that time was to be LOVED and ACCEPTED; Period.
Did you live in area where there were seasons that were dark, cold, gloomy and wet? There were too many negative feelings going on inside ourselves. We so badly needed to feel good. So we would sneak into our sister’s or mother’s bedroom drawers to take some items of clothing to take to the bathroom and lock the door behind us for that comfort we needed. The fabrics, so new, so soft and silky brought instant relief. Out of the sadness and aloneness came pure joy and happiness. That simple act of dressing not only took our breath away it put a smile on our faces and everything felt right again. At least for a while. Little did we know that it would become our lifetime drug. Or was it just revealing for the first time our true selves? We would need these new found feelings of happiness and contentment if we to survive going into our future adulthood and all the life stresses that were to come. So how could this be bad for us? The cross dressing I mean. The answer is, it is not and was not. It wasn’t wrong! We weren’t harming anyone. Oh Lord God, I just wanted to feel good if only for a while. Tears are welling up in my eyes now as I write this. I am 73 years old and I missed it. To live more my authentic self.
More than ever in today’s world we need the understanding of all people that the harmless act of dressing up was in fact hard wired into us. It wasn’t our fault.
I realize now when I look back the deeper reason for being so attracted to the “Pretty Girls.” was because I needed to be with them. Why? To be close to their femininity. Because that was where my happiness and sense of being was. Of course when we were in junior high and high school we didn’t understand this. All we knew was that we loved girls.
Then in adulthood I started noticing the more wonderful details of the beauty of the woman. Maybe it was the pretty nail color she wore or the dangling little earrings. And omg, those beautiful eyes! Or the way she looked as she put her hair up. We just couldn’t get close enough. So we had to emulate that to be more complete inside ourselves. But now of course we have that dual life to live. Unfortunately, the hiding of your true self continues to bring the shame and guilt. But please remember girls, it wasn’t your fault.
Forget all of this for just a moment and look around. We see so many other people around that are experiencing far greater life stresses than we are. Spousal abuse would be the first that comes to my mind. And we think that when we have to tell our wife’s that we love women’s clothes and all the pretty things that go with it is such a terrible thing?
Not only has our cross dressing eased the pain of loneliness and depression it has brought us so much joy. And that joy girlfriends is what we can give to others as we go through our lives. It’s an authentic joy because we realize it’s truly a part of ourselves. So please, be kind to yourself.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my article. Please feel free to leave any response you would like to leave pertaining to my article or feel free to respond or to one of the questions I’ve posed to you below:
- Did you ever get caught by your mother, father, older sister or brother while you were cross dressing at an early age? And if so, what happened?
- If you had been married and your wife didn’t know about your thrill of cross dressing, how long did you wait to tell her or did you simply get caught by your wife while cross dressing?
- Have you gotten through all of the guilt or shame you had earlier in life about your cross dressing by now?
Sincerely, Rochelle
More Articles by Rochelle Winters
View all articles by Rochelle Winters
Rochelle Winters
Latest posts by Rochelle Winters (see all)
- It Wasn’t Your Fault - December 17, 2022
- Could This Be Our Future? - June 1, 2022
I truly believe that this article captures the feelings many of us have towards wearing feminine clothing. I’ve transitioned to full time being enfemme. It’s not as scary as I imagined when I was hiding it. Most people I’ve encountered don’t really care. The only time I’m in “ male” mode is work and church; even then, I still present my hair and face as feminine. I’m a much happier person now that I’ve accepted myself.