We had to be alone. To hide it. For most of us we were children. Aloneness didn’t feel good. Neither did the anxiety or depression if you were genetically inclined. The guilt we felt after cross dressing wasn’t warranted. What we needed desperately at that time was to be LOVED and ACCEPTED; Period.
Did you live in area where there were seasons that were dark, cold, gloomy and wet? There were too many negative feelings going on inside ourselves. We so badly needed to feel good. So we would sneak into our sister’s or mother’s bedroom drawers to take some items of clothing to take to the bathroom and lock the door behind us for that comfort we needed. The fabrics, so new, so soft and silky brought instant relief. Out of the sadness and aloneness came pure joy and happiness. That simple act of dressing not only took our breath away it put a smile on our faces and everything felt right again. At least for a while. Little did we know that it would become our lifetime drug. Or was it just revealing for the first time our true selves? We would need these new found feelings of happiness and contentment if we to survive going into our future adulthood and all the life stresses that were to come. So how could this be bad for us? The cross dressing I mean. The answer is, it is not and was not. It wasn’t wrong! We weren’t harming anyone. Oh Lord God, I just wanted to feel good if only for a while. Tears are welling up in my eyes now as I write this. I am 73 years old and I missed it. To live more my authentic self.
More than ever in today’s world we need the understanding of all people that the harmless act of dressing up was in fact hard wired into us. It wasn’t our fault.
I realize now when I look back the deeper reason for being so attracted to the “Pretty Girls.” was because I needed to be with them. Why? To be close to their femininity. Because that was where my happiness and sense of being was. Of course when we were in junior high and high school we didn’t understand this. All we knew was that we loved girls.
Then in adulthood I started noticing the more wonderful details of the beauty of the woman. Maybe it was the pretty nail color she wore or the dangling little earrings. And omg, those beautiful eyes! Or the way she looked as she put her hair up. We just couldn’t get close enough. So we had to emulate that to be more complete inside ourselves. But now of course we have that dual life to live. Unfortunately, the hiding of your true self continues to bring the shame and guilt. But please remember girls, it wasn’t your fault.
Forget all of this for just a moment and look around. We see so many other people around that are experiencing far greater life stresses than we are. Spousal abuse would be the first that comes to my mind. And we think that when we have to tell our wife’s that we love women’s clothes and all the pretty things that go with it is such a terrible thing?
Not only has our cross dressing eased the pain of loneliness and depression it has brought us so much joy. And that joy girlfriends is what we can give to others as we go through our lives. It’s an authentic joy because we realize it’s truly a part of ourselves. So please, be kind to yourself.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my article. Please feel free to leave any response you would like to leave pertaining to my article or feel free to respond or to one of the questions I’ve posed to you below:
- Did you ever get caught by your mother, father, older sister or brother while you were cross dressing at an early age? And if so, what happened?
- If you had been married and your wife didn’t know about your thrill of cross dressing, how long did you wait to tell her or did you simply get caught by your wife while cross dressing?
- Have you gotten through all of the guilt or shame you had earlier in life about your cross dressing by now?
Sincerely, Rochelle
-268x270.jpg)
I hate “"Social Norms" (not being allowed to be different) – & most of this thinking came from Religion– The same as Most of the worlds problems–
Thanks for posting this. It strikes a strong cord with me. Lana
Thank you , Love this article !
Oh my goodness Rochelle! I have read many articles on this site. However, none have played with my emotions more than yours. I was no stranger to aloneness as a youngster. And yes, I couldn’t wait to get behind a locked door to feel like myself. And oh the guilt! I am doing better these days at being myself, Vanessa, but I am still struggling somewhat. My previous wife did not know, nor do my kids. My current wife has known since very early in the relationship. She is supportive with limitations…No transitioning. She is not willing to live with… Read more »
Just found your reply. Thank you for responding. I have to go right now but will get back to you.
Vanessa, I am so sorry you have experienced the loneliness and the guilt, the hiding of something that we just desperately needed to feel good for awhile and also finding out through the years that it was just innate is us be a girl. Like is such a journey so many people trying to find a way of whatever they are facing. Do you know that inner and outward smile we feel when we are expressing our true selves? Keep that. And stay well.
Thank you Rochelle.
Rochelle: Just a note to say I was caught by my Mom at age 17 i was completely dressed in one of her brand new dresses she had bought for a wedding that her and my Dad where going attend. I was sitting in our living room, when she suddenly appeared in the door way. I was so shocked I couldn’t speak just shook with fear for what was about to happen. it’s a kind of a long story but she was very gracious and very understanding and from then on a great help with my crossdressing Thank you for… Read more »
Diane, just found your message and want to say that though initially you were so shocked what a better ending than her handling the situation with such grace. We above all need the acceptance and support from those we love so much.
I find it interesting and disconcerting that loneliness played a focal point in your feelings early on. The reason for that is similarly I feel very lonely at times, and have not as yet come to grips with that.Unlike you, I did not connect that feeling with crossdressing, however I share the joy and thrill when I am dressed. And I can definitely say that I do NOT feel alone when I am feeling girly. Nevertheless, many things trigger this loneliness, mostly irrational, but still very real. I wish I had the nerve years ago to embrace my feelings… I… Read more »
Thanks Rochelle,
It was wonderful. I am always ashamed of myself. I didn’t know why. Today you helped me to learn that it was maybe because of the guilt feeling of cross dressing during this long time.
I denied this desire and need for whole my life.
Yes you are right.
It was not my fault
Hi Jasmina, I think for so many of us it was because we started crossdressing at a very young age. I know for myself I would sneak some of my sisters clothes into the bathroom and try them on as early as 6 years old and continued doing so. After I tried them on I would put them in the clothes hamper. But I do remember the guilt feelings because of all the hiding. Unfortunately those feelings stayed with me to this day.
Thanks for your nice point.
You are definitely right.
I am carrying such a burden on my shoulders till now.
It makes me shy, sometime I think I am kind of introvert person because I am CD.
Always I should hid this side of mine. When it comes out, I will face with lots of sarcastic words.
Rochelle,
My wife found out about my little hobby while snooping on my iPad. That is not why my marriage ended. While I used to feel guilt about it, I no longer do. I live alone and what I choose to wear doesn’t bother anybody. Yes, there are transphobes out there but we are not really bothering them. I think all of us should forgive ourselves of any guilt and just do what makes us happy.
hugs,
Kerri
Hi Kerri, I have been married 34 years now. Though my wife knows and has given me permission the boundaries are for only in our home. I don’t think she really wants to see me dressed so occasionally I dress alone in our bedroom and bath area. I just can’t imagine how freeing it would be to live on your own and dress as much as you like. I think if that was my situation I would certainly feel less guilt.
hugs, Rochelle
Rochelle,
While I think about it all the time, I only dress up completely with makeup about once a week. I do love it when I get to be Kerri and being out in public in a skirt and heels is such a rush. It makes up for no social life. Hugs
Kerri
I think it would only take one time to go out in public as Rochelle and I would become overwhelmed with joy inside. And I would know I need more of those times. Does that make sense to you?
You know, when I was young, I explored dressing up using my mother’s clothes. As I went into the USAF, I gave up my dream of dressing up. For 20+ years I married had kids and was “male”. Once I was divorced, kids grew up, and I found myself single, I decided to explore my feminine self.
Today I refuse to fear my femininity. I go to clubs, dinner and malls wearing whatever I want.
The only times I’m not enfemme is at work and church; although I do wear makeup there.
Explore and have fun.
Thanks so much Sherry for replying. And I am so happy for you that you got to a stage in your life that you can experience your femininity so much socially and that you don’t fear it anymore. That is wonderful! Sometimes I think my life’s anxieties would subside so much if I just could experience Rochelle outside of my home. Take care, Rochelle