The older I get, the less I believe I’m still starting anything. There may be that rare moment when I partake on something completely new and different, but this journey that I’ve been on for nearly 50 years isn’t one of them. Every little goal that I achieve, I find myself saying, “Well, it’s a start.” The me, full of lifelong lessons and maturity responds, “Or is it?”

I think this is so because I don’t know what the ending is. I can look back over my life and point out the wayward signs that led me to this place; the multiple starts at becoming… what exactly. This is my unanswered question. Just what am I trying to become. The possibilities vary with the changing of the seasons. One day, I’m ready to jump all in, the next day I want to pull back. I can only see the haphazardly walked path forward by looking back at where I began and where I am today. Like a chart tracking years of returns on an investment, my journey has been up and down, but it seems to always and to eventually keep climbing higher.

Nearly a year ago, I began helping others put their thoughts into words, helping them to share their stories as I agreed to become the resident editor on both sites. I’ve seen similarities between all of us, been amazed, heartbroken, angry, and joyful in my empathy with those who share their lives with the rest of us. We all need to see it; I need to see it. I am far from alone, and my path is my path, no matter how long it takes or whether or not I can point to a definitive end.

I’m pushing 60, and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Does it matter; did it ever? I have the tendency to be introverted and filled by anxieties. My mind never shuts down—it’s why I write novels. It’s also why I over-think every detail that I see. My vision and comprehension of a particular scene is fairly vast. I notice the obvious and the not so obvious. I’ve also had to adjust my life around my diminished hearing–a result of several years working in a pressroom at a newspaper. I can become easily frustrated by other’s lack of awareness at the world around them. This isn’t a reflection on them, but on me. I see the shadows lurking and wonder what’s hiding. Most, contently walk by in happy oblivion and enjoy the sun.

This has been hard to overcome and no amount of yoga and meditation makes it easier for me. The daily stress in my shoulders causes them to sit well above the top of my head…figuratively speaking. When you add in my uncertainty about who (what) I am, there are times that my mind simply has to retreat; I’m compelled to take a nap…to reboot my system. When I’ve gotten to that point, no amount of coffee could keep me awake.

I was once a typical, cocky male with an ego, who had a fetish for high heels and lingerie. Now, I’m more feminine than male (inside); I’m kinder, more afraid, questionably uncertain, still hopeful, persistently doubtful, highly empathetic, magically wishful, and… still searching for an ending. I’ve come to the decision—though I’ve said this before, written it down on my checklist and never completed it, that it’s time to meet with a professional and potentially take the next step. I have to. My anxiety is winning out over contentment with my life–not that I have much in that regard. 

I spend too much time analyzing reasons for the thoughts and desires that I have. In the past, it was always to find some method to eradicate them. Somewhere along the way, the inward looking became more of a search for understanding and acceptance, and recently an acknowledgement that I’m neither male nor female, and I don’t know which one I want to be. I’m not sure if I would find the elusive contentment by undergoing physical and chemical alterations—would they just shift my perspectives—and anxieties? There are some stronger feelings that indicate a need to step over some lines and at least blur the two sides in shared compromise. It also means a day of reckoning with friends and family is on the horizon. My shoulders will never relax until that happens; that moment when all the fears are faced and all that’s left for me to do is to move forward. I know I can handle it…

I’m ready for a nap…

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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish

Brina is from Iowa, and she is steadily learning how to merge her two halves into one whole. Still closeted after 40 years, she hopes to one-day walk freely and confidently in the open. She spends most of her time working as a self-published novelist under both personas.

Latest posts by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish (see all)

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Sidney Silver
Active Member
Sidney Silver (@syd)
1 year ago

Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself with us all. The power of it is not lost on me, nor is its intent. It’s powerful stuff when we reckon with our true self. I feel purposely allowing ourselves to be vulnerable brings us closer to our intentioned selves. When I do so I believe it signals to myself and others I have nothing to hide. When I smile while vulnerable (dressed in crowded public) it invites others in and makes them feel safe, and suddenly— we are treating each other kindly, and with respect. Be as good to yourself… Read more »

Scarlett398
Editor
Trusted Member
Scarlett398 (@scarlett398)
1 year ago

Brina, I love your astute command of the English language and your ability to express yourself through the use of your words! I love this article. I’m a bit past your age and ever since I retired two years ago and started collecting the social security money that I paid into for 45 years, my anxiety has almost gone completely away. I have my civil service retirement coming in, my social security, and on top of that rather large sum of money, my wife now makes over six figures a year! Forty five years ago, I was living in a… Read more »

Scarlett398
Editor
Trusted Member
Scarlett398 (@scarlett398)
1 year ago

Yep, that gravity is a bitch! Us guys get thick through the middle and the girls get big in the but and thighs!

You’re gorgeous and don’t worry about that gravity! It looks fabulous on you!

Alexis "Lexi" Moon
Editor
Active Member
Alexis "Lexi" Moon (@alexismoongirl)
1 year ago
Reply to  Scarlett398

Scarlett – that is an awesome post. I feel like you just summed me up! I’m married, 47 years old, and feeling like I’m the same place you are – at least as far as the anxieties go! That fear of, “oh crap, did I leave a bra out?” Or, what if one of the kids looks back in the closet?” Right? That part sucks. My wife knows about the crossdressing, and is generally ok with it, but I still feel like she doesn’t really want to know about it, so I try to disguise my tracks as much as… Read more »

Scarlett398
Editor
Trusted Member
Scarlett398 (@scarlett398)
1 year ago

Hi Alexis and thanks for another reply. Tonight another milestone was reached by the further acceptance my sexy redhead has in regards to my thrill of cross dressing! For the very first time ever, we were out shopping at TJ Maxx and she actually picked out a very sexy white top with navy blue piping around the edges of he flutter sleeves of the top. I didn’t even know she bought it for me until we got home and laid all she purchased out on the dinning room table to put on hangers and put away in her closet. She… Read more »

Jamie Weaver
Duchess
Jamie Weaver (@jamieseven)
1 year ago

You have nice sweet face

Simone T
Simone T (@simone119)
11 months ago

Really well written and thought provoking article 🙂

JaiymeLynne
Active Member
JaiymeLynne (@jaiymelynn)
2 months ago

Sabrina, Your article hit home with me. I feel the exact same way almost all the time. Gender fluid? Is that what I am? Could be…my journey is just beginning, even as I get closer to the finish line. I battle against what “they” say my life should vs what I WANT my life to be. Also I think it’s not a choice, it’s how we are made. But the awareness took long to come to the present. And present is all we have everyday. Again, thanks for sharing. One day we’ll grow up and BOOM, we’re doing what we… Read more »

Marlie Shyly
Member
Marlie Shyly (@plussizedmarlie)
2 months ago

Wow! I just exhaled fully for the first time in months. This article hit me over the head and brought me to the realization that this is me. Everything the author wrote is exactly what and how I feel. At 57, I have been trying to blur the lines between male and female more and more. Crossdressing on and off since my teen years, my feminine side has been pushing harder and harder to break out. I have been lingering in the Pink Fog for years. My sexuality has become so confusing, sometimes even I don’t recognize myself. I don’t… Read more »

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