I don’t know about you, but Christmas time for a crossdresser is a strange time of the year… Let me explain. It is the season of hope, forgiveness, and gratitude, and most importantly, the season of miracles. Every Christmas movie is full of them. We (as crossdressers) often pray for miracles. They range in depth from “Help me to stop” to “Please make me a woman” and everything in between.
Can you imagine if a crossdresser was the lead character in many of our favorite Christmas movies? Instant classic or another deranged offering by tasteless commercialism. Such is the world we live in. I admit that I broke my rule and watched a certain actor in a newer Christmas movie. I have never liked him in anything, despised his humor, and then applauded him for this particular performance. I may even watch his other Christmas movie now. He deserves my second chance, as I believe we all wish that we had.
It might be a second chance at life, the Christmas Angel letting us see what life on the other side would have been like—being born a girl rather than a boy. Or maybe, what our lives would be like if we faced our fears, took the chance, and transitioned now instead of hiding in our closets. Not all of us would tune into this particular movie, but many would. I have thought about this most of my life, “What if?” I may not have realized the depths of this as a kid trying on his sister’s underwear and dress, or even when I eyed those way too small but had to try on high heels my wife owned and never wore.
Others will want to place themselves in one of the many Christmas Musicals, playing the role of a glamorous woman in all of her spectacular clothing as she sings and dances her way across the stage. To harmonize with Bing Crosby on “White Christmas” or be the center of attention in a full-length sequined gown as she sings “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” on their own variety show.
And… some will wish for the feelings to be taken away so they can lead what they feel is the “Normal life.” Will they be granted their wish and the miracle of being happy or will it instead lead them to a realization that being a crossdresser is the miracle, the inspiration, and the hope for a better future? Nah… I think for some the need to settle into that preferred life is viable. Some of us are just dabblers in the feminine world, and that is Very Okay! Any appreciation that we can show and give to women is wanted and needed, even if it means tossing a perfectly wonderful pair of heels into the garbage.
Christmas is also about courage and inspiration. The ability to overcome obstacles (burglars or being far from home) and find our way back to where our family waits for us. It’s about demonstrating what giving rather than receiving is truly about. We are patterned to say more than we really do. To go with the flow and not put ourselves in harm’s way. I will raise my hand high as this is me… or it mostly was at one time. I’m less afraid these days of being outed, ridiculed, or exiled by my family and friends. It still doesn’t mean that I’m ready to trot Brina out in front of them. I am, and may always be a crossdresser that is something more.
How I’d love to be given a look into what my future may be. In some ways, I have. It is within the stories that others on this site have shared, in those on our sister site, Transgender Heaven, and countless other places where those, like us, share their journeys. Most of them are about those who transition, few are about those who settle for being more, like me. It’s mostly why I write these blogs for you. I want to share my thoughts on where I am and how I deal with it. I have fears, and I pray for miracles like many of you do. The one Christmas gift I try to give all year long is hope. I do my best to be positive for and to others, not just on this site but in my life. I give my time to charities, not just the service club, which means so much to me. I donate money and items as well. I try to do the simple things too!
Not a day goes by on this site that I don’t hit the like button on the picture that someone posts. A small gesture that might mean something more than we know. Not every one of us has the ability, luxury, resources, or hope to be able to fully dress, let alone buy all the items needed. And yet, we all see the woman inside of us (even through our rose-colored glasses) staring back at us in the mirror. It might be painting our nails that makes our inner woman cry or the smell of perfume or the feeling of tattered nylons on our legs.
We are together on this journey. To find our own miracle or understanding of who we are and what that means. Judgementalism has no place, condescendence either. We need to be a support system to all of our sisters. Not all of us get to play the lead in a Christmas fantasy story, some of us just might be the angel or the friend that gives the most important line in the movie… “Go follow your heart!”
When Christmas has passed, what then? I hope and plan that I may continue to be giving and supportive. Sure, I’ll have bad moments, terrible weeks, even heartbreaks of my own, but it doesn’t mean I should take it out on those who I can be an inspiration to, my sisters and much more, the people that I see and interact with in my other life. I have become more complimentary to others, more encouraging, and have tried to be a better person to all. That has only come because I accepted that I am who I am, not separate people who have different personalities. I’m not an actor playing a part, if I were, my male side would be the role I play. I am a crossdresser who is more…
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you!
Until next time…
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
- The Gift
- Good Intentions
- A Crossdresser Thanksgiving
- Where has My Woman gone?
- To Be or Not (No, it’s to be!)