Imagine if you will that you’ve won a luxury holiday. A week at a tropical resort sounds amazing. You’ve checked it out and you are so excited about the idea that you willingly agree to being blindfolded when you’re taken there. You trust everything you’re told so you throw yourself in wholeheartedly.

For the first three days everything is wonderful. There are little problems but overall it is everything you hoped for. You’re blissfully happy and glad you took the chance. Then, on the fourth day everything changes.

The resort manager takes you aside and confesses that there’s something he needs to tell you. With confused trepidation you listen as he tells you that this isn’t the holiday you thought it was. In fact, despite appearances up to now, it’s not even a tropical location. It’s all been a carefully crafted illusion. He’s telling you this because the weather is changing and they can no longer keep up the charade. They want you to stay, to see the time out and assure you that many other people have been in the same position and they’ve all accepted the idea. “Come on, you can do it” he tells you. Your world has been completely upended; you’ve been lied to and cheated out of what you’d signed up to. All this time you’ve been deceived by people you thought you could trust. Could you take their offer? Would you?

These days marriage vows vary wildly, from staid, traditional utterances of fidelity and faithfulness no matter what through to modern interpretations of mutual respect and support. Implicit in all of them though is the concept that both parties will be honest and truthful with each other. There is no reason why either party should expect anything less, yet it happens. Somewhere the weather begins changing. One half of the marriage says they can’t keep silent any longer. Then comes the confession that the truth and honesty has been built on a rapidly crumbling base of deceit. There have been lies, actual and by omission, and secrets. The secrets are what hurt the most because they suggests a lack of trust on one side and their exposure shatters trust on the other.

This is the reality for some crossdressers’ wives. We who have been the confessor, the one who so completely upends the life of a person we hold most dear, often feel that we had no choice. Some of us have dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts because of the secrets we’ve carried. Some have felt that we’ve suppressed who we really are and have reached a point in life where we have to confess. That’s when we expose our duplicity. Ironically, that’s also often when we feel that now everything will be, or should be, alright. One person occupies our mind; the person we feel we need to release. Do we really pay enough attention to the other person involved in all this?

Let’s go back before the confession. Let’s imagine instead that life is actually going along smoothly. Then you notice that your wife has become somewhat moody. She seems quiet and doesn’t want to talk but something is troubling her. There are signs you find you can no longer ignore. She quickly closes computer pages when you enter the room. When you look later you see all browsing history has been erased. You wonder why. Then she says that she has something to confess. You sense it’s bad and it is. She tells you that she is involved with another man. It has been going on all of your married life. In fact, it started before you married but she couldn’t bring herself to tell you. You seemed so happy together and she didn’t want to hurt you. She tried to end it with him but she couldn’t so she hid it. Another man, one you knew nothing about, is part of your marriage. She tells you she loves you and wants you to stay together, that you can work it out but she says she can’t stop her involvement with this man. Could you accept her offer? Would you?

Crossdressing isn’t exactly the same as that but it does introduce another ‘woman’ into your relationship. When we unburden ourselves we too easily forget that we might have just shifted the burden. We want to stay married but we also don’t want to give up this other woman. It needn’t be a take-it-or-leave-it scenario though. As much as you might hate the idea of your wife continuing her involvement you might possibly be able to accept that it’s what she needs to do. It doesn’t make you less as a person but understandably you can feel that way. In time you might be able to accept this other man as she wants you to, a friend who makes her happy. She wants you to be happy together.

Could it work? Perhaps, but only if the deceit stops. Would you be happy to know that after shattering everything you thought you knew about her she still keeps secrets from you? If you suspected she was could you ever trust her again? Most importantly, would you want to? Could she blame you if you didn’t?

Being married to a crossdresser isn’t all lollipops and sunshine but it doesn’t have to be lemons and darkness either. It can work, but only through openness and honesty and each truly considering the other.

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  1. JaneS 5 months ago

    A recent experience and conversation with a friend has reminded me that this article is as relevant as ever.

    How easily some CDs seem to forget that pursuit of their own dreams and goals does not have to be at the expense of others. What we also must always remember though, is that when a loved one offers love, support and acceptance we need to be open to that rather than immediately make demands of such acceptance. An approach like ‘I want your acceptance and this is how you’ll do it’ is never going to work.

    Be open, communicate and, acknowledging the obvious pun, put yourself in their shoes. You might be amazed at what your situation looks like from their side of the fence.

  2. JenH 1 year ago

    I love this article.

  3. Ang 1 year ago

    I love this article!!! It is def spot on,, being with a CD “isn’t all lollipops and sunshine but it doesn’t have to be lemons and darkness either”! So true… the partner who had no idea, NONE, not even an inkling it does feel like a bit of a betrayal. A bit like why didn’t he trust me enough to tell me…did he think I would be all judgy mcjudgerson on him?!?!? AND afterwards if there was even a hint of a slightly hazy truth I would get all my feathers ruffled! BUT that being said….you are right! Honesty and mutual respect are the best approach. We went through a bit of a tart lemony time but it was interspersed with laughter and a mutual journey to acceptance for both of us. I appreciate so much that you wrote this article to help express how partners can feel….I truly don’t think either partner ever tries to be hurtful while going through this but sometimes our own insecurities can get in the way.

  4. Lorrie Kaye 2 years ago

    Excellent article, JaneS. I have vacillated from being “just a guy” to at one point transitioning to Lorrie. I had crossdressing impulses since I was about 3, putting on mother’s makeup, her clothes, etc. I went through buy and purge so often, my head began to spin. I thought I was alone. Then, a number of years ago, I found the internet and realized there are many people like me. I was married for about 20 years, not sharing Lorrie at all. I started buying clothes and makeup and when I had alone time, I would dress and it was *wonderful*! In 1995, my wife opened a credit card bill and found a charge to Victoria’s Secret for a bra, panties and high heels. She immediately accused me of having an affair and buying these things for my “girlfriend.” As I had always been faithful, I confessed they were my items. She went ballistic, calling me gay and other slurs, and after a long and bitter fight, we divorced. After divorcing, I went totally crazy, buying breast forms, wigs, dresses, underwear, makeup, everything! This *wonderful* “Girl Time” (alone, of course, I am NOT passable) lasted maybe 4 months, when I met a terrific lady and we married. She does not know about Lorrie and I am very uncomfortable in telling her. We have a great life together and I do not want to lose her. So Lorrie stays in the closet and only pops out when wife is out. I still love the feeling of silky clothing (she and I are bout the same size) and use her makeup.

    • JaneS - aka 'Doc' 2 years ago

      One thing I didn’t make much mention of in the article is the sense of violation of privacy many, if not most wives feel when they discover their husband has been wearing their clothing, especially underwear. It’s the same with makeup, these are area where many women feel especially ‘personal’ and have difficulty when that privacy is breached.

      If you can’t or don’t want to tell your wife about Lorrie then I suggest assembling your own clothing and makeup collection. Otherwise there’s always a risk that you’ll put something back in the wrong place or, as a friend of mine once found out the hard way, put the wrong caps back on bottles.

      Best wishes to you both.

  5. Giselle Reeves 2 years ago

    great article something every married cd should read and ponder

  6. Erica 2 years ago

    Im struggling deeply. I go out as much as I can. I want so much to dress all the time but im so afraid to tell my wife. I dont know I wish I had an answer.

    • JaneS - aka 'Doc' 2 years ago

      Erica the purpose of this story was to remind people that sometimes it can be hard for wives or partners to understand and accept. It was meant to give another point of view to go with the other stories we’ve had of acceptance and understanding.

      Unfortunately there’s no one-fix solution. Every relationship is different so only those within it can ever really know what the best approach is. That said, the real work begins after revealing ourselves, if that’s what we choose to do. My aim is to get CDs to keep their wife’s thoughts, fears and concerns in mind but there have been many examples showing that a harmonious marriage can endure even after we come out.

      I wish you well and hope that you can find what you need to make whatever decisions you feel necessary.

      Best wishes to you both.

  7. Rachelle 2 years ago

    This is a great article and I wrestle with this every day. On one hand I feel like damn the torpedos and full steam ahead to transition. But then I also feel that this is so unfair to my grown daughters and spouse as they did not ask for this and why should they be forced to deal with this. At this moment I am in an ok place, but if I did not feel as mentioned, I would be fully transitioned.

  8. Vera Jane Gonsalves 2 years ago

    Great article. I liked the way you introduced the main subject…… “openness and truth in marriage”… not really a lollipop person so was wondering about opening the article. But I am glad I did read it. Thank you.
    Vera Jane

  9. dizzylizzy 2 years ago

    I let my wife know long before we got married about my crossdressing she even at times helped me with it years later there is nothing to confess she will put up with my crossdressing but very seldom be a part of it sometimes even seems angry about it. Oh well cant say she wasn’t told its part of my life that will never change done this for as long as I can remember

  10. VickieJ 2 years ago


    That is such a great well written artical.

    I have never thought of it that way. Yet, it is so true

    Thank you so much for writing that


  11. Jane – You are so right that we need to try to understand our partner’s feelings and give him or her the time to come to terms with what it means to be with a crossdresser. I know I am trying to give my wife plenty of time to get used to the idea. Whether she will eventually accept and learn to live with it I don’t know, but I do know that she deserves my patience and understanding along the way.

    I also sent you a PM with a little more.


    • JaneS - aka 'Doc' 2 years ago

      Thank you April. There is no ‘one solution fits all’ for how people respond to finding out their partner/spouse is a CD. That’s part of why I champion the case of trying to establish open and free communication. The other thing that is needed is time. There’s not set time either, so we just need to allow whatever time is necessary whilst making ourselves available to answer questions and concerns.

  12. Tanya 2 years ago

    Great article Jane. Absolute truth… i’m sure this could help many if they would only read it.

    • JaneS - aka 'Doc' 2 years ago

      I hope so Tanya.

  13. Eddy 2 years ago

    Jane, great article the trust once broken is hard but not impossible to rebuild. As my wife once put it, she was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, whats next ?? whats coming?? It can be rebuilt with time and honesty .

  14. skippy1965(Cynthia) 2 years ago

    As always a stellar article with great insights as to how our actions affect the ones we love. I was one who truly thought the feelings would go away when I got married but soon realized they would not and in my case i was caught with womens clothing rather than confessing but the trust issues were the same as you mention. I hold no rancor towards my ex-wife for not being able to deal with my CD/TG feelings and feeling betrayed by m not revealing them before we were married. In the unlikely event I find myself involved with someone again in this lifetime, I will be sure that the person whom i care for KNOWS about Cyn before making a commitment like marriage. A painful lesson but one well learned!


  15. Pinkie 2 years ago

    Great article Jane I hope it help a lot of people in relationships. Secret should not be kept from someone you love on either side of a relationship.

  16. PattiSOtoo 2 years ago

    Thank you Jane for a very well written and thought provoking article. Your insight is invaluable.

  17. Holly Devinne 2 years ago

    Jane fantastic article as always and a timely reminder for myself and my current situation with my fiancé.

  18. Stephanie Green 2 years ago

    Bless you my dear for your insightful article. Believe it or not – just yesterday my wife said to me that I needed to consider how I would feel if she was having an affair with another man!
    I will definitely ask my wife to read your article as she is struggling with trusting me because it took 30 years to tell her about Stephanie.

    Lots of hugs from a girl who is having a bit of a rough time with her wife who is dealing with a CD husband.


    • JaneS - aka 'Doc' 2 years ago

      I hope the article helps her Stephanie. Let her know that we have a group just for wives and partners where she can make contact with others in her position.

      Thank you for your comments. At CDH we seek to help anyone who needs acceptance and understanding.


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