Life, a series of events and obstacles from the moment that we are conceived until the day we die

Naturally, we are aware of the stages we go through from birth to old age, with fuzzy invisible divides that sit between each period of our life; blending them into one seamless existence while we are hardly aware of the changes. With each phase, comes an unimaginable range of things that we can either learn to deal with or not, brick by brick in constructing the person we are evolving into.

Many of life’s challenges are fairly easy to overcome, although our own unique ‘construction’ may determine our ability to survive and develop ­­ ­­– or not. I am suddenly feeling that editing Char’s Weekly Reset might be having an effect in the way I am writing here, if so, I tip my hat to you Char in acknowledgement.

Jumping forward, crossing the border into adulthood, we need to acquire the skills to survive, find work to pay for our existence; encouraged by society to find a partner, get married, buy a house, a car, get yourself in debt and be a cog in the machine we call civilized society. They are some of the areas of modern life you will be faced with, delivering challenges in all shapes and form during adulthood. But there are also personal ones, those that may have been there long before this point, often overlooked, abandoned or repressed, leaving you to push on with the task of surviving in the world you find yourself in.

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The need to survive

Those pressures that begin there can be great and too much for some, creating more challenges and difficulties than usual. No matter how you would like your life to move forward, the restrictions that you place upon yourself, are likely to limit your possibilities. A pure need for survival can get you through, leaving whatever personal aspects you would rather prioritize left behind, unattended once again. There is a tremendous diversity in possible directions in adulthood such as success, failure, wealth, poverty, divorce, job loss, breakdown, depression, etc. Where did the simplicity of childhood go?

I am in my late 60s and have encountered a number of variations and directions in dealing with countless challenges. A mixture of those you would expect and ones brought on by who I am and influenced by my ‘construction’. As we pass through each phase, there are needs and pressures that demand a focus on specific aspects of our life at that time, a pattern that appears to stay with us throughout. What does change in each stage, is what we need to focus on in order to survive in one piece. However, the one constant and unchallenged thing, may well be You and your needs; not being addressed and coming second place or lower on the survival list. An analogy, that perhaps many can identify within this community.

Questions and doubts

There are aspects that remain lifelong challenges, either because we allow them to retain that power over us, or simply that we cannot change them. I have noticed that as I grow older, that fact itself becomes a challenge, fueling a string of thoughts that require my time and energy to keep them under control, just like all the others I’ve had to manage over the years. But there is an undercurrent and a certainty now, with more years behind than in front of me; a limited time to do what I want and need to do, but raising questions too. Questions and concerns contemplating whether I’m becoming too old to go through with surgery, delayed due to confinement. Asking myself if I need to do this and is it worth it! The thoughts rattled about in my head for a short while this morning until I came to my senses!

Juyo Vonsan

What had gotten into my head, why was I even considering these points, how did I reach that degree of disbelief in myself? These thoughts had gone through my mind before, but only when I had hit a low point over the past few years. The reason on this occasion had been triggered by the world events and circumstances affecting us all right now. I believed that I had been handling things quite well, getting over bad days of being on my own and without a social life or interaction with others, in addition to the psychological aspects.

It really was a jolt to my morning and one that brought me back to focus. I didn’t choose to just get close to being fully Transgender, I need to complete this. Looking back at past events, I have got through the death of my parents and close family members; getting this far in life, plus a number of other difficult times, all of which have put today firmly in perspective. I am on the verge of completing one of the biggest challenges of my lifetime and sure there will be others to follow, just as the sun will rise tomorrow and the day after.

Stay focused and consider yourself in all your choices and decisions. You only have one life and one chance to do it right.

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I began this journey the day I opened my eyes for the very first time. I found this site at a time when I needed support more than any other point in my life. I had chosen to transition after years of internal turmoil, failing to be able understand or accept who and what I was. My life moved on at a pace that I found hard to deal with at times, but I managed. Living alone in the South West of France life was far from simple or easy then. Then, I discovered this oasis online, finding love, understanding and support unequalled to anything I have previously come across. Dare I suggest, my other family! So, why return after leaving about two years back? At the point, my life was moving at a pace that I was just about able to keep up with; everything I had believed, understood and built my life around, up until that point, changed almost overnight. I am very settled in my life now living as a woman, with friends and a social life, all while being the happiest I have been. I am in the medical system here after overcoming many obstacles, now with the hope of surgery this year to complete my transition. I have returned here in the hope that my experiences and knowledge can be of help to others in this community. When very young, I dreamed of being a girl, going to bed at night hoping I would awake as a girl. After realising that wasn't going to happen, I shut down that wish and lived a repressed existence from that day. It took a lifetime of unintentionally hurting myself and others, regretfully! Perhaps that's the one true regret of my life!

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