Let’s be clear from the start.  I am just a crossdresser. I have no wish to be a girl (although I would hope that in another life I could be born female). I am straight, not that that is a boast, just a statement of fact. In short, I am me, a guy who likes to wear clothing that for some reason has been defined as “female wear”.  I think I am like the majority of men throughout the world, only sometimes the enthusiasm of the girls upon this site seems to indicate I am an old-fashioned relic.

I have dressed for essentially as long as I can remember.  Initially, it was a sensory experience.  I enjoyed the feel of soft and slippery fabrics.  At puberty, it became a much more sexual and fetishistic activity.  I have no need to go into details.  As I matured it became a desire that had to be satisfied from time to time but I never recall any overpowering desire to pretend to be a woman.  I was just a guy who liked wearing soft, pretty, sensual clothes that for some reason were forbidden to me by Society.  If I had married a woman without the violent opposition that I discovered in my wife I would almost certainly have been happy slipping on some lingerie and a pretty frock a few times a month and just watching telly or chatting.

Unfortunately, I discovered (despite having hinted of this issue) that my wife had strong religious views on this subject and like so many others, assumed it must mean that I was ‘gay’.  As I guess many others of you have done, I had to make decisions.  In my case, it was that my love for a good woman was more important than release from the pressure of my need to dress.  I was in a fortunate position of traveling in connection with my job and “Deety” appeared in many hotel bedrooms throughout the UK. The travel was sufficient to at least take the edge off my needs.  A side effect of this 44-year long period before I lost my wife was that I was gradually able to understand more about myself and this strange compulsion that drove me.

When my wife suddenly passed away, I was, at first, devastated but oddly I found her clothes a comfort to me.  Nothing unusual in that I understand, except that my wife was only 5 feet tall and weighed around 120 lbs. whereas I am six foot tall and at that time weighed in excess of 320 lbs.  Gradually, slowly, I started buying my own clothes and as Barbara faded from my life, Deety came to stay.  In my maturity, I am now happy with who I am.  I wear very little strictly-male clothing but often present as a guy.  However, I’m always fully and properly under-dressed.  I openly shop and often join in the giggles of the sales girls, preferring to laugh with them rather than let them laugh behind my back.

For those of you who are, like me, just a crossdresser, I hope this is an encouragement and a vindication.  For those looking for more, I make no apology.  We are all different and I love it that we are.  I can understand the frustration that you feel.  Those of you that are truly transgender may find my position laughable but I am aware of the pain and confusion you must feel as well.  It is not to do with dressing for you, it is much more than that and I extend my love and concern to you.

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Deety DT

I am a widower now but have crossdressed basically all my life in secret. My wife was violently anti and I spent the 44 years we were together hiding Deety, only letting her out of the cupboard when on lone business trips. Now she is me 24/7 although I don’t feel the need to dress at all times

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38 Comments
  1. Kristinaaz Redding 1 week ago

    Thanks for sharing. I too am just a crossdresser and straight. I love the feel and look of women’s clothing on me. Between religious doctrine and the high and mighty morality minority they have defined what men and women should wear. Unfortunately society go alongside with them do to freely express yourself is taboo in most work environments and with family. It should be my right to wear what I want when I want. But alas. That’s not the case. At least we all have CDH.

  2. Andrea Adlerberg 1 week ago

    Thank you Deety. An articulate expression that I think ought to be heard and appreciated. We are all members of a special sorority (as I like to call it), but we don’t necessarily all live in the same room of that “sorority house.” Thankfully CDH is a sorority house with many welcoming rooms. Always appreciate your thoughtful viewpoints.

    –Andrea

  3. Jamies time 1 week ago

    CDH has made me feel better about myself and what I love to be feminine and not ashamed of myself. I have met so many other girls just like me and I want to thank You all we are very lucky to have CDH

  4. Mikki Barnes 1 week ago

    I really liked the way you spelled out who you are. I respect it as well. I am in much the same situation as you. I have no interest in transitioning either. One difference for me, is how it makes me feel feminine. I love that feel. At one time several years ago my wife did not disapprove of me dressing which was rare, in fact she told me she liked a man that could show his feminine side. She even bought me a girdle for Christmas one year. We went shopping together but I was very clumsy and nervous doing so, however I found it stimulating at the same time. We have not done it together in a long time and I am cautious as to when or how to see if she would do that with me again. Seems like I should write my own article. Sorry for rambling. Thanks for your article and the way it made me feel. Mikki

  5. Pat Scales 1 week ago

    A very well written piece that describes my experience with great accuracy. I am all guy (and a rather large one at that) with a wonderful wife but I have been a life long cross dresser. at this stage, after 45 years of a wonderful marriage, my wife has become tolerant of having a large and nicely dressed woman around the house on weekends. I do a lot of cooking and other in house chores. She would have an issue if I were to get out of the house since we are both well known and she does feel that my cross dressing would reflect poorly on her and our family.

  6. Amanda Patrick 1 week ago

    Hi Deety,

    Love your Story. I feel I am probably same as your self. CD. Cant see myself Transitioning. You are not a Relic. You are just you. Nothing wrong with that. Sorry for the passing of your wife. I am fortunate that my wife supports me to a degree. So I don’t have to keep it completely hidden. She helps me with things. just does not want to see me dressed Completely. Yes this Site has been extremely helpful. It has helped me shop for my self and go out a few times. But like your self I don’t feel the need to dress at all times.

    Amanda

  7. skippy1965(Cynthia) 1 week ago

    Deety,
    Wonderful article. I understand the “just a crossdresser” feelingI am still figuring out my own path. But you are so correct that being a crossdresser with no desire to transition is every bit as valid as being a transsexual who wants/needs to fully transition. We each need to live our own lives according to our own needs and desires as long as we aren’t hurting someone else. I welcome all who have the desire to express their feminine side to whatever extent they wish!
    Cyn

  8. Gisela Claudine 1 week ago

    Nice article, Deety. Thanks for sharing it. You are who you are and that’s the way it has to be. Each one of us has our own path and we try to do our best along the way. I fully understand your point of view. CDH is a great community and fortunately we all belong to it with our similitudes and our differences. That’s what makes it really special.
    My love and respect for you all.
    Gisela.

  9. Stephanie Flowers 1 week ago

    Deety : beautifully written. Being just a crossdresser is what many of us only dream of being. To be a genderfliuld person who’s has become a better person in discovering and mixing the best qualities of both personas and becoming beautiful and at ease in life. Not needing to explore further in transition. Following a path of acceptance in feeling better about your self and not to worry the one’s around you. I say if it feels right, makes one happy it good for the soul. Enjoy life as it doesn’t last forever.
    Deety I’m very happy in where I am . My acceptance I see here from all and I do not feel alone.

  10. Deety DT is very lucky to be able to state with such certainty that he is „just“ a crossdresser. I‘m quite envious! I have just arrived at CDH and have one burning question in my baggage. It seems to be a tabu subject so I will try to tread softly.
    I have never wanted to be a girl and have never felt trapped in the wrong body. I don’t feel I am on the transgender scale. I am a heterosexual man but from an early age lingerie has had a powerful erotic attraction. Perhaps I am more of a transvestic fetishist than a crossdresser though I do crossdress in private and for my own gratification. And that is the problem, there is always an element of sexual arousal, a „frisson of excitement“ as Jan Morris wrote in her book Conundrum where she describes her transition. Sometimes dressing is a red-hot erotic adventure. Other times the excitement at dressing is not much less but I feel a sense of almost serenity overcome me and can enjoy hours of relaxation en femme. The first sensation you can probably call transvestic fetishism. Is the second sensation what crossdressers experience? I just don‘t know. Can both exist side by side in the one person?

    I underdress most of the time and have a drawer of my own lingerie. My wife and I are about the same size so I can borrow her clothes which means I don’t have to stash feminine clothing. I’m not worried about passing. I love the feeling of the clothes on my skin and seeing myself in the mirror rather than trying to convince as a woman. Except in fantasies, I have no intention of leaving the house dressed though I fantasize about having a professional make-over. As I work from home I can dress while my wife is at work but there is always the fear of her returning when I am dressed. My dressing is usually just panties, thighhighs and heels but sometimes I’ll wear a skirt and bra. I love the excitement of planning what to wear then dressing and letting things develop. I would like to move freely around the house when dressed but I fear the neighbors seeing me at the window so I’m trapped, if not in the closet then at least in the bedroom. So where does that put me? Am I truly a crossdresser or just playing at it, or a transvestite or a fetishist?
    I don’t know if I’m in the right place, but who better to ask you girls here?

    I have regularly bought sexy lingerie for my wife but mostly these items remained unworn except when I borrowed them. A couple of years ago I thought it would be a better idea to cut out the middle woman and buy for myself the stuff that I wanted to wear. That is when Juliette was created.

    I look forward to hearing what you think.

    • PaulaPlaytex 7 days ago

      JULIETTE…I “UNDERDRESS” ALL THE TIME, BUT I DON’T HIDE MY BRA WEARING !!! I LOVE WEARING MY BRA EVER SINCE MY SISTER-IN-LAW GAVE ME MY FIRST BRA…SHE INSISTED THAT I NEED TO WEAR A BRA. I’M A NATURAL 46B/C, SO WEARING MY BRA IS A MUST FOR ME !!! I HAVE NOW ADDED PANTIES, NYLONS and a NIGHTGOWN FOR BED.

    • Author
      Deety (D.T.) 1 week ago

      Juliette, I do understand what you mean, and accept that the amount of excitement will vary from individual to individual and also with time. I don’t think there is anything basically different between you and I that cannot be explained by simple hormonal variations between us because of age and other health issues. Of course the frisson of the forbidden and naughty plays a part, but I was trying to say that it is not all that there is.

    • PaulaPlaytex 1 week ago

      BRA WEARING IS SO NICE…WHAT MORE CAN I SAY !!!

  11. Jessica Anne 1 week ago

    Hi Deety,
    I pretty much made the same decision as you when I was married. That is that it was more important for me to make my wife happy, than transition as I had once wanted. I’ve come to the realization over the years that it wasn’t necessary for me, and that I am happy being able to cross-dress with her acceptance, but without her help. I sit here now in a skirt and blouse, hose, underthings, and (flat- lol) sandals recuperating from a badly broken ankle that occurred during hurricane Irma last year.
    BTW, I grew up reading Isaac Asimov, and Robert Heinlein, and Number of the Beast is one of my all time favorites. I have it (naturally now), as an e-book, an audio book, but also in paperback copy that has been read so many times it’s completely dog eared.

    Don’t let the black hats get you Deety !

    Jessica

    • Author
      Deety (D.T.) 1 week ago

      Jessica Thank you. No Black hat will ever get this girl.

      BTW, Do you think Heinlein might have been a crossdresser. In addition to the number of the beast Think Podkayne of Mars and Time enough for love.

    • PaulaPlaytex 1 week ago

      JESS…I AM ALWAYS WEARING MY BRA !!!

  12. Patty Michelle 1 week ago

    Thank you Deety for writing the article about a side of crossdressing I think at times is missed: Dressing just to dress. I always felt a bit off when asked about my “fem” side, as I could never find it. I think you have hit the nail on the head that the compulsion to dress is because we want to, without any apology or future plans with it.

    I love that CDH has so many ladies on many different journeys and we are able to share them in a place where we support and care about each other. I am glad that I can be included as one who is “Just a Cross-Dresser” like others

    Hugszzz

  13. Aisling 1 week ago

    Deety,
    A wonderful account brilliantly described. I am only coming to realise on CDH just how many of us there are in the world. I’ve spent over forty years trying to deal with my situation. Recently, I have come to embrace it fully although I don’t get many opportunities to CD. I know that my wife would never approve or understand. C’est la vie.

  14. Julie 1 week ago

    WOW, what a wonderrful description that clearly seperates a cross dresser and a transgender life style. I too am a cross dresser who has a wife who is opposed to my secret desire to wear womens cloths. I AM NOT A TRANSGENDER individual; I am straioght. I am becoming more discontent with just weraing womens cloths around the house. I want to get out and socialize with oter CD’s and enjoy the some relationships other than my wife. Not sexual just friendly CD’s and be able to share my experiences with other cross dressers. I thorughly enjoy the Crossdresser Heaven!

  15. Terri Anne Knoan 1 week ago

    Thank you Deety,, So very nicely written. Sharing your life’s story has helped me greatly. In another life, I too would like to be born as a woman. Perhaps I already have, who knows.
    I finally enjoy my male and my female sides now after 50 years.
    It is so nice to ‘see’ you now able share Deety with our world.

  16. nicola 1 week ago

    Thank you Deety enjoyed reading your letter. I’m the same a straight guy who enjoys the feeling wearing womens clothes but my wife doesn’t mind my dressing and helps buying my dresses and undies ,so we enjoy life together with my dressing just talking or watching the tv most days

  17. Charles 1 week ago

    I love my panties and outfits.

  18. Cindy 1 week ago

    that was so true for my heart, thank you so much Love Cindy

  19. Nancy Kay 1 week ago

    Mine is a very similar story. Although I didn’t have many opportunities to crossdress as travel for work wasn’t an option, I have indulged my “hobby” for 45 years. I’m not gay nor do I wish to transition. I love dressing as a woman and being with others who share my interest. I simply wish to have fun and cross dressing is my idea of fun. My wife of 44 years would never ever accept my practice so I’ve been in the closet for all this time. This is unquestionably the most stressful part of my life at this point. It’s interesring that so many others have such similar stories. My fantasy is that one day we can dress in styles we enjoy and find acceptance from everyone. Thanks for your posts. I feel better now.
    Nancy Kay

  20. Bree 1 week ago

    Deety – a lovely story. Your experience parallels mine incredibly closely – except my wife died after 48 years. I too had assiduously maintained that I was “just a crossdresser”, now I am not so sure.

  21. Lucinda Hawkns 1 week ago

    that is so well said words can not be added. well said and to the point. thanks for sharing this to all of us and readers

  22. Squeak 1 week ago

    It seems there are many of us who love to wear so called feminine clothing, but are not interested in becoming a girl. I love wearing panties and bras. It is so nice to go out in a dress, especially in the warm weather.

    It has puzzled me for a long time that females can wear anything they want to. And no one cares! But, if a male puts on a dress, there must be something wrong with him.

    Fortunately, we are becoming more tolerant as a society. I am most fortunate to be free to dress as I wish every day. Perhaps an advantage to getting older.

  23. Barb Encourt 1 week ago

    A very nice writing Deety and your early experience largely mirrors mine right now.
    My beautiful and highly intelligent Wife of thirty years has really surprised me with Her total lack of understanding and bigoted attitude towards having found out that I wear female lingerie.
    Many attempted discussions in the interim towards my “coming out” have ended in total acrimony and verbal abuse…..I cannot quote the language on here.
    As your mention I am regarded as having committed religious sin.
    She wanted to call the police.

    As I write we are about to NOT celebrate Valentines Day in our usual loving and extravagant fashion.

    I would renounce my CD side if it would help but the damage is done and there is no going back now.
    We will indeed work it out as there is no other choice.

    Ours is a complex CD story.

    Barb.

  24. Lauren Simpson 7 days ago

    Thanks for sharing. Similar to my life.

    After coming out to my wife, who was accepting, I had so much self-loathing and guilt that after about 3 years, I pretty much stopped for 20 years or so.

    Then we both become very unhealthy. Mine was fixable, hers was not. Late in her life, I began to wear some again, especially when I took her to get her nails done, and other various femme activities.

    I had memento mori – remember death – and realized that there should be no guilt, and I certainly had to quit hating on me to show her the love she needed in her final days.

    I had been wearing camisoles and bras around her by this time, but when I got my first forms, she reached out and poked my breast, and I just said “life is too short”. I think she appreciated that.

    Today, I’m still in the closet, but free of the guilt.

    • Author
      Deety (D.T.) 7 days ago

      Thank you for your kind words, and I am glad it worked out for you

  25. Chrissie Cross 7 days ago

    We have much in common my friend! 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story!
    Chrissie

  26. Ashleigh 5 days ago

    Deety, thanks for sharing your story. I too, am “just a cross dresser”, and I love it! I used to be active on another site until someone posted those same words “ just a cross dresser” in a much more negative way. Their opinion was that unless you were working towards transitioning, or at the very least, living full time as the opposite gender, your cross dressing was just a phase, or worse yet, a form of OCD which you brought upon yourself and could stop if you chose to. We all know, nothing could be farther from the truth.
    Thanks again for the encouragement and your willingness to share!
    Ashleigh

  27. Nicely written Deety. I have waffled at times on what I am and how I truly feel, but have come to the conclusion that I too am simply a crossdresser. My urge to dress comes and goes. I look at it as my unusual “hobby”, one I indulge in at varying times during the course of the year. I can express a side of me that is really not possible to do when I am not April, and by doing so, by having that outlet, I can enjoy the majority of my life in guy mode, which is just fine with me.

    You have expressed eloquently what I have come to realize over the past few years – there are no “boxes” that we all fit into. We are all somewhere unique along the gender spectrum, and yet we all share so much in common too.

    Thank you for a lovely article.
    April

  28. Steffany Harman 3 days ago

    Yes I also have found a home at CDH , and dressing is a need for me i cant go more than a couple days without it i feel so different dressed as a woman, as a man I just don’t feel good about my self , don’t ask I don’t know why but if I keep reading thes articles maybe someday I’ll find the answer. So thank you Deary for your story. Steffany

  29. Jane Newton 1 day ago

    Deety,
    enjoyed your piece immensley and, like obviously many others, the description resonated with me a lot. 56 (soon) and just retired, I too have travelled a similar journey. A difficult one but not without a learning adventure along the way. Have often wondered how life might have been different had my SO been able to embrace my quirk. Alas, I think time is running out in that regard.
    Best, JN

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