Learning to smile – Rikki’s Discovers Herself

Transgender? Find a Reason to Smile!

Dear Readers,

As I read Rikki’s story this week a chill ran down my spine. Her struggle to live life as someone she wasn’t resonates with me, her elated discovery that she is not alone speaks to my soul, and her joyously emerging as a beautiful and confident woman is an inspiration to us all.

Please read along with Rikki as she learns to smile…

Crossdresser Heaven - Find Your Tribe

Learning to Smile

My Story in a Nutshell April 6, 2014 at 8:08pm

Hi my name is Rikki. My birth name was Ricky. I grew up in a small community in SW Idaho. All my life I knew I didn’t fit right, even though I could not figure out how. I just knew I was different. I spent much of life living the way others expected me to in order to survive.

I learned to smile and laugh even though I didn’t feel it inside. I stayed to myself a lot growing up in order to avoid being made fun of or teased. The upside of that was I became a good student and the first in my family to go college. I went through the motions of being happy and content, all the while wondering what it was about me that I didn’t fit into the role that life assigned me.

Discovering herself

All my life I have been extremely emotional and often stayed in my room while the family watched TV shows to keep from being told that boys don’t cry over things like that. I worked hard to play the role expected of me, even ending up being married three times. Then one day I was surfing the internet and found an article on transgender and as I read the article tears ran down my cheeks…

I remember thinking, OMG, that is me! And then, OMG I am not the only one who feels like this… and then, OMG, I am not crazy after all. And then finally, the realization set in… I was married, had children, a toddler….. there is no way I could do anything about this. I pushed all the realizations back down out of sight and continued pretending to be who I truly wasn’t. For ten more years I dealt with this, until finally I was unable to cope any longer and spiraled into a deep depression.

Breaking the chains around her heart

Rikki learns to smile

Rikki’s transgender success story

I was serving a life sentence without possibility of parole. Although I pretended to be happy, I continued to be miserable… the way I had been for years before. Every night I went to bed I hoped I would not wake up the next morning. But, I did. Finally after months and months went by, I woke up one morning and realized I really didn’t want to die, I wanted to live.

I knew the only way that would be possible was to make changes, and so I began slowly… in hiding at first… daring to be me for a few moments of time. But that only helped just a little. It didn’t take long to realize my life had to totally change in order for me to survive. In July 2007, I moved out on my own and my transformation began very slowly at first.

I was so fearful of losing the people I loved and my family, especially my children. Over time that is exactly what happened however, and today only two of my children remain in my life in any meaningful way, the others avoid me or have no contact with me anymore. All my friends, but two, no longer had anything to do with me. Even the one family member who at first supported me, turned away.

It is nearly seven years later, and in spite of all I have been through, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I no longer have to pretend to be someone I never was. I no longer have to hide who I am. I feel complete inside. Yes, I have other changes to go, but the most important change of all happened, when I made that decision to stop being a phony and start living the truth. If I had to face it all again, I would have made the transition when I first realized who I truly was.

Rikki’s story touched me deeply, and brought back memories of my transition. I think it will touch many others too. If you have a story you’d like to share – a success small or large in your transgender journey please take a moment to share it. I would love to feature it on Crossdresser Heaven, and bring a light to others still searching for themselves.

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12 Comments

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  1. Samantha Jane 3 years ago

    Nice story, so glad Rikki is happier now. I can relate because growing up I was always uncomfortable having pictures taken of myself. Often, I would sit with a serious look on my face, and people always wondered why I didn’t look happy. Now I realize that I was not completely happy, because my image didn’t match who I was inside. Even though I was ok being a male most of the time, and able to laugh with friends, sometimes it would have to be while drinking, so now I can be happy with myself, naturally, as a feminine person.
    Samantha Jane

  2. Kaspar_Goering 3 years ago

    My desire to be a woman started when I was about 13 years old. I was spending a few nights at my aunt’s apartment. She would leave and i would try on her “intimates.” Since she was a similar size to me they fit well. I will never forget the feelings I had when i looked in the mirror and saw a different person. The person I WISHED I was. Thank you for your story.

    • Vanessa Law 3 years ago

      Hi hon, I loved your characterization as ‘The person I WISHED I was’.

      So true for so many.

      • Kaspar_Goering 3 years ago

        Yes. But now as an adult I realize that I can be who ever I want to be. I lived in Southern California for almost 20 years. Hollywood is the land of dreams. If I want to be a cowboy, I just act the part. I can be ANYBODY I want to be today. But being feminine is not an act as much as it’s an expression of something deep inside of me.

        I want to say “Thank You” to all of our “sisters” who have had the courage to be who they are.

      • Vanessa Law 3 years ago

        Indeed, it’s a magical world where we can become whoever we want to be, or be whoever we are!

  3. Rikki 4 years ago

    I to hide but for reasons of losing the kids that mean so much in my life .Some family members know iam transgender an they accept me for who iam an lov me Others would hate me So i hide .i want to come out but iam afraidt to

  4. Steffie Cloud 4 years ago

    I identify so much with this story but I am still afraid of losing everything and everyone so remain hidden.

  5. roberta 4 years ago

    hello my dears my name is ms, Roberta sontag I am a 60 yearsold crossdresser and I am only 7ft,2,tall and not marryed with no kids ok
    I am looking for a nice loving relationshipin life my dears ok’i live in the city of O’Fallon Missouri ok
    zipcode is 63366 ok

  6. lilian 4 years ago

    My life’s an copy exact of this dramatic existence!
    Only those who passed this experience knows how is it intense and deep.
    I see the world in a different way now and my conscience never will be the same.

  7. Josey 4 years ago

    So SAD. But, so full of HOPE! My heart goes out to you, dear. You’re CUTE!

  8. Ellen 4 years ago

    Thank you for sharing. Your story inspires me.

  9. Allison Hannan 4 years ago

    I’m so happy for you Rikki! Your story also brought tears to my eyes and, I am so glad you found yourself! Allison

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