I want to thank you for your time. It’s tough figuring out where to start. Here’s a little about me. From a young age, I’ve always dressed in hiding, probably the same as a lot of us have done. When I got caught by my family they made it clear that what I was doing was wrong…so deeper into hiding I went.

Now I’m 36 and still dress in hiding. I’ve never told anyone until last year. After not being able to take hating myself and hiding anymore I shared my secret. This may have been a massive mistake or a blessing. I’ve not figured it out yet as to which one. I’ve been with my partner for 13 years and have always kept the true me hidden, as I knew it would not be accepted.

This, I now understand was wrong to do to her, and I feel guilty beyond belief. We have kids and I’d never want to destroy my family with my problems. So, I never told anyone of who I am inside until last year. Things was getting way too hard for me to hide the need to be me and look as I needed to. I sat my partner down and told her everything; the dressing, the constant struggle in my mind, the self-hate for the way I am.

Crossdresser Superstore

I had lied and led her to believe I’m something I’m not and did it to everyone else around me. Anyone who knows me sees me as a man’s man. She even used to call me the last of the real men. Little did she know it’s all an act, one that I live every day of my life and got good at faking. After explaining myself, she was in shock, disbelief, angry, and all the rest of emotions that come with something like this.

I was so wrong to mislead her like this and deeply regret it. The first few weeks after was like a dream come true. She got me dresses, we sat together and online shopped, compared tastes, and I dressed for her. It’s bad to say, but I’d never been so happy. She knew and accepted me as me. I’m not a smiler but in every pic she took I was smiling cheek to cheek. It was something that neither of us had seen before. I never got in pictures.

Then the reality set in and everything flipped after that. Two weeks of acceptance and then everything she felt became a deep hate, and from what I see, a deserved hate. I’d lied to her. I was no longer her man but a disgrace in every way. The last year I’ve been trying everything to repair what I’ve done. She made it clear that she never wants to deal with any of it; it’s the family or me being me.

En Femme Discover Woman Within

I’d never destroy my family for my needs and wants, so now I’m back to hiding with all the self-hate and dealing with feelings like I could tear myself apart. All I want is to be me and for it to be ok, but I can’t. It’s my fault and no one else’s. I should have been honest to myself and her long ago.

I used to think things were bad just being in hiding and feeling like a freak. Little did I know that it’s nothing compared to knowing the one you love most hates you for the way you are inside; knowing how happy I am dressed, moving and expressing myself, and how I truly feel. Most of us here know how bad things can get. Dealing with the self-hate and the feeling of just giving up because it’s better than spending every day like this. Giving up is just not me, and most days it feels like I can’t breathe, like I’m falling apart at the seams and don’t know what to do next.

I wrote this because I just had to let it all out. This site has been a God send. It’s a place where I can come to feel normal and accepted. All the girls here are amazing. I see so many out and proud that sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough to be part of the site as I hide who I am and let us all down by doing so.

Exceptional Voice

Thank you to anyone who’s got this far. To anyone else who feels the same, never forget that you’re not alone, even when it feels like it!

luvs and hugs, xoxo

Layla

More Articles by Layla Jones

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    Bettylou Cox
    Duchess
    Active Member
    24 days ago

    Hi Layla, First and foremost, I want to tell you “don’t hate yourself”; you are not a bad person, and being a CD is not wrong – no matter what you have been told. Yes, you/we are different, but that is not a bad thing to be. I have to agree that keeping this secret (or any other) from your wife was a bad decision, but one that most of us have made in the beginning. But if you read the posts, you will find that almost half of us (it seems) are still in the closet , and still… Read more »

    Sandy Jayson
    Duchess
    Active Member
    24 days ago

    Layla, I agree with Bettylou. Don’t hate yourself. You like many of us are very confused about your cross dressing. I to would still be 99% in the closet, except when I accidently let my X find out. The first thing she did was to tell our 3 grown kids, then over the coming months threatened to tell my 4 brothers. With the fear of this possibility and all the encouraging posts here at CDH I have come out to all my brothers and nieces. Also have had a number of adventures competely dressed en fem. Keep your spirits up… Read more »

    Jamie Peridot
    23 days ago

    Hi Layla! Pretty name BTW, does it have anything to do with the song? From what I have read in your posts, you seem like a beautiful person inside and out, so you have no reason to hold on to the self hatred. It would be almost impossible to find any spouse that hasn’t kept SOME secret from their SO. Interestingly, I have been working on a letter to my wife where I come out to here a I woke up early to finish it in the hopes that I would give it to her today (ironically she calls me… Read more »

    Lucinda Hawkns
    Active Member
    23 days ago

    Hi Layla, and yes like every one else said. don’t hate your self. it was nice for your wife to but dresses for you and all that, but know she has changed her mind on your x dressing. it could be a lot of things with her changing her mind. so dress up when you can and be free of man hood when you feel down. my wife knows of my x dressing but will not help with make up or let me sit in same room as her and watch T.V. she has seen me dressed up and getting… Read more »

    Denise Trainer Lip
    23 days ago

    Hi Layla, Welcome to the cold dark tunnel I call gender fluid. It has made life difficult for me for many years, but I am here to say there is light at the end of this tunnel. I have found it and am having fun being gender fluid now. So keep on keeping on.

    Denise

    Chrissie Cross
    Active Member
    23 days ago

    Thank you for sharing, Layla. I flirt with coming out to my wife nearly daily. I fear the worst.

    Stephanie Kennedy
    Princess
    Active Member
    23 days ago

    Hi Layla You are a very brave person. You only wanted to be honest with the one person you love. Some of us will take their secret to the grave and their family finds out later when they are cleaning out the closet. How sad is that.No one ever gets to know the real person they have grown to love over a life time.. You have done nothing wrong. Hating this part of you does no good at all except making your self miserable and those you love feel miserable when they should feel good when around you. The good… Read more »

    patty williams
    Member
    23 days ago

    Hi Layla, I can relate with you very much. I am much older than you at 56. My femme side started out as spicing up our love life and I ended up in a pair of heels. That was all it took. As it progressed I eventually told my wife and she was very supportive at first, heck she bought me my first pair of heels. She would even go into the dressing room with me at good will to help me zip and give me her opinion. However when she saw me acting feminine it changed every thing. eventually… Read more »

    Amy Myers
    Baroness
    Noble Member
    23 days ago

    Layla, first I’d like to say how much I appreciate you sharing your story with us here, and second I’m so glad you found us too. I agree with Bettylou, that you are not a bad person, and I hope you can get through this and learn to accept yourself as a wonderful and diverse person. Yes, like virtually everyone else I’ve ever read I hid myself for so many years till I had to break free. No, I did not go through as much turmoil with my wife as you are having with yours, but it was a difficult… Read more »

    Pat Ryan
    Duchess
    22 days ago

    I have reach the point i don’t care what anybody thinks. I started on HRT I’m married we share the same cloths. I keep things hidden from Kids and Grand kids for know tired of hiding.
    Pat x

    Pat Ryan
    Duchess
    21 days ago
    Reply to  Layla Jones

    I Know it will believe me I have been waiting for years. Thank you for your comments.

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