I want to thank you for your time. It’s tough figuring out where to start. Here’s a little about me. From a young age, I’ve always dressed in hiding, probably the same as a lot of us have done. When I got caught by my family they made it clear that what I was doing was wrong…so deeper into hiding I went.

Now I’m 36 and still dress in hiding. I’ve never told anyone until last year. After not being able to take hating myself and hiding anymore I shared my secret. This may have been a massive mistake or a blessing. I’ve not figured it out yet as to which one. I’ve been with my partner for 13 years and have always kept the true me hidden, as I knew it would not be accepted.

This, I now understand was wrong to do to her, and I feel guilty beyond belief. We have kids and I’d never want to destroy my family with my problems. So, I never told anyone of who I am inside until last year. Things was getting way too hard for me to hide the need to be me and look as I needed to. I sat my partner down and told her everything; the dressing, the constant struggle in my mind, the self-hate for the way I am.

I had lied and led her to believe I’m something I’m not and did it to everyone else around me. Anyone who knows me sees me as a man’s man. She even used to call me the last of the real men. Little did she know it’s all an act, one that I live every day of my life and got good at faking. After explaining myself, she was in shock, disbelief, angry, and all the rest of emotions that come with something like this.

I was so wrong to mislead her like this and deeply regret it. The first few weeks after was like a dream come true. She got me dresses, we sat together and online shopped, compared tastes, and I dressed for her. It’s bad to say, but I’d never been so happy. She knew and accepted me as me. I’m not a smiler but in every pic she took I was smiling cheek to cheek. It was something that neither of us had seen before. I never got in pictures.

Then the reality set in and everything flipped after that. Two weeks of acceptance and then everything she felt became a deep hate, and from what I see, a deserved hate. I’d lied to her. I was no longer her man but a disgrace in every way. The last year I’ve been trying everything to repair what I’ve done. She made it clear that she never wants to deal with any of it; it’s the family or me being me.

Exceptional Voice

I’d never destroy my family for my needs and wants, so now I’m back to hiding with all the self-hate and dealing with feelings like I could tear myself apart. All I want is to be me and for it to be ok, but I can’t. It’s my fault and no one else’s. I should have been honest to myself and her long ago.

I used to think things were bad just being in hiding and feeling like a freak. Little did I know that it’s nothing compared to knowing the one you love most hates you for the way you are inside; knowing how happy I am dressed, moving and expressing myself, and how I truly feel. Most of us here know how bad things can get. Dealing with the self-hate and the feeling of just giving up because it’s better than spending every day like this. Giving up is just not me, and most days it feels like I can’t breathe, like I’m falling apart at the seams and don’t know what to do next.

I wrote this because I just had to let it all out. This site has been a God send. It’s a place where I can come to feel normal and accepted. All the girls here are amazing. I see so many out and proud that sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough to be part of the site as I hide who I am and let us all down by doing so.

Thank you to anyone who’s got this far. To anyone else who feels the same, never forget that you’re not alone, even when it feels like it!

luvs and hugs, xoxo

Layla

More Articles by Layla Jones

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    Samantha Jo
    17 days ago

    Hi Layla Thank you for sharing your story which is written entirely from the heart, if you cannot be 100% honest to the person you love most then who can you be honest with. The most astonishing part about this is how your partner excepted Layla even shopped for clothes together then turned all this into a weapon of hatred. I know from telling my first wife about wanting to dress as a woman she reluctantly tolerated this then used it against me for her reason why she had an affair leading to the end of our marriage. Things must… Read more »

    Stef Smith
    Duchess
    Active Member
    17 days ago

    No no no! I felt the same way! But, no need to feel ashamed of you! You are what u are and made how u r made! Embrace it, love it learn about it. You are just different! Everybody is! None of us are the same! Celebrate your uniquenesss . Counseling is a must! First for you then for u and your wife. She may need separate counseling too. You need to find room in the relationship for self expression and to be true to yourself It may not needto b full time; it can underdressing or certain day of… Read more »

    skippy1965 Cynthia
    Ambassador
    Trusted Member
    16 days ago

    As Layla-what a poignant and heartfelt article. To tell or not to tell loved ones is one of the hardest things to decide what’s “right’ Par of the decision is to first accept yourself and figure out where you feel you fit on the spectrum (i.e.full time, part time, needing to transition physically or socially or just liking to dress occasionally, And yes even though gender and sexuality are different , you need to know who you are attracted to. This is for your own peace of mid but also because when you tell someone especially a spouse or SO… Read more »

    Tammy Sweetkiss
    16 days ago

    This website will be of massive help it was for me and the others who understand part or all of your situation it’s about having respect for your partners hers and yours look for the positives  

    Last edited 16 days ago by Tammy Sweetkiss
    Tina Q
    15 days ago

    I hope your wife, in time, comes to accept who you are and not her perception of who she wants you to be. Many of us are in multiple stages of what and where we want to be (even if it is just on private).

    Alexandra Love
    Duchess
    Member
    15 days ago

    Well sweetie I know what you are going through! I have the same struggle with my wife but still don’t know how it will end.

    Janice Doe
    Member
    15 days ago

    Layla, I completely understand your frustration and your pain. I turned 61 yesterday and I have lived this lie since I was 13. I told my wife early on about my dressing and like yours, she was into it for awhile and then she grew cold towards it. I went into the closet and dressed for many, many years. She assumed my dressing was simply a passing fad and never questioned me about it. Until 10 years ago when she found one of my many stashes of clothes. She confronted me and told me it was her or my dressing.… Read more »

    Dani Grand
    Member
    15 days ago

    Great letter Layla.
    I can identify with everything you wrote…from the “initial seeming acceptance” to the “I hate you” part.

    It is very unfortunate that our partners are so willing to dump us aside like a heap of laundry rather than attempting to understand.

    I do hope and pray you will find some tranquility in your journey.

    Dani

    Sonia Pink
    14 days ago

    It’s always very hard to tell anyone , it’s even harder to try and be something your not , I m pretty sure many of fight the daily demons of right or wrong ( if there are any ) be ourselves or be with the ones we love ! Life always seems a compromise and it sometime feels we are the only one making them ! I really hope your wife comes round .. Good luck xxx And Thanks for sharing xxx

    Sarah Kanter
    14 days ago

    Hey Layla, I appreciate your willingness to share. Here are a few thoughts that I hope are helpful. When I first got married, I had managed to bury my desires pretty deep by then and they weren’t a problem. It was actually my wife who suggested dressing up, as kind of a joke. That was like Pandora’s box. At first, she was fine with it, but over time, I think when she realized that for me it was more than a joke, she began to worry. It’s created conflict over the years, and both of us are deeply committed to… Read more »

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