I want to thank you for your time. It’s tough figuring out where to start. Here’s a little about me. From a young age, I’ve always dressed in hiding, probably the same as a lot of us have done. When I got caught by my family they made it clear that what I was doing was wrong…so deeper into hiding I went.
Now I’m 36 and still dress in hiding. I’ve never told anyone until last year. After not being able to take hating myself and hiding anymore I shared my secret. This may have been a massive mistake or a blessing. I’ve not figured it out yet as to which one. I’ve been with my partner for 13 years and have always kept the true me hidden, as I knew it would not be accepted.
This, I now understand was wrong to do to her, and I feel guilty beyond belief. We have kids and I’d never want to destroy my family with my problems. So, I never told anyone of who I am inside until last year. Things was getting way too hard for me to hide the need to be me and look as I needed to. I sat my partner down and told her everything; the dressing, the constant struggle in my mind, the self-hate for the way I am.
I had lied and led her to believe I’m something I’m not and did it to everyone else around me. Anyone who knows me sees me as a man’s man. She even used to call me the last of the real men. Little did she know it’s all an act, one that I live every day of my life and got good at faking. After explaining myself, she was in shock, disbelief, angry, and all the rest of emotions that come with something like this.
I was so wrong to mislead her like this and deeply regret it. The first few weeks after was like a dream come true. She got me dresses, we sat together and online shopped, compared tastes, and I dressed for her. It’s bad to say, but I’d never been so happy. She knew and accepted me as me. I’m not a smiler but in every pic she took I was smiling cheek to cheek. It was something that neither of us had seen before. I never got in pictures.
Then the reality set in and everything flipped after that. Two weeks of acceptance and then everything she felt became a deep hate, and from what I see, a deserved hate. I’d lied to her. I was no longer her man but a disgrace in every way. The last year I’ve been trying everything to repair what I’ve done. She made it clear that she never wants to deal with any of it; it’s the family or me being me.
I’d never destroy my family for my needs and wants, so now I’m back to hiding with all the self-hate and dealing with feelings like I could tear myself apart. All I want is to be me and for it to be ok, but I can’t. It’s my fault and no one else’s. I should have been honest to myself and her long ago.
I used to think things were bad just being in hiding and feeling like a freak. Little did I know that it’s nothing compared to knowing the one you love most hates you for the way you are inside; knowing how happy I am dressed, moving and expressing myself, and how I truly feel. Most of us here know how bad things can get. Dealing with the self-hate and the feeling of just giving up because it’s better than spending every day like this. Giving up is just not me, and most days it feels like I can’t breathe, like I’m falling apart at the seams and don’t know what to do next.
I wrote this because I just had to let it all out. This site has been a God send. It’s a place where I can come to feel normal and accepted. All the girls here are amazing. I see so many out and proud that sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough to be part of the site as I hide who I am and let us all down by doing so.
Thank you to anyone who’s got this far. To anyone else who feels the same, never forget that you’re not alone, even when it feels like it!
luvs and hugs, xoxo