What is a vanished twin? And why might it be important to understanding why you crossdress?

“Are you, your female self, a vanished twin?”

Many in our community needlessly suffer confusion, shame, guilt, and more for simply trying to live authentically within boundaries, expectations, and the rules established by society. Many relationships have been strained or even destroyed because of a misunderstanding from both partners. The answer, for many, may lie in the spiritual realm.

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Three disclaimers and a note:

  1. First, I simply seek my truth. I have no professional credentials in psychology, religion, sexuality, or counseling.
  2. Second, I am not criticizing or negating anyone’s personal beliefs, as all have value.
  3. Lastly: within the rainbow spectrum that a crossdresser lives within, each has a different path and place, each having infinite value.

Note: when referring to my female side I’ll use “Jules,” “my,” or “I.” To my male side, I’ll use “brother” or “he” (you’ll understand in a moment.) Regarding both female and male, it will be “we.” Ok?

Those of you who are transitioning or desire to do so and with the clear knowledge that your authentic self IS your female side – bless you!

For those who are crossdressers and want to experience all the feminine feelings, being a crossdresser doesn’t define you, but enhances you – bless you as well!

Others, who like me, feel as if two individual people (male and female) live within our one body may relate best to what I write. You are probably in male mode most of the time, and then you slip completely or partially into a female mode, maybe for only a few hours, a day, or longer (bliss.) There is always an awareness of your male self. Perhaps your two authentic selves interact with each other, sharing thoughts and emotions as it is with me. Your female mind and male mind may be very different in their thoughts and desires. They watch different shows, read different books, like different foods, have different sexual needs, and just see the world differently.

EnFemme Style

My belief is that our body and soul are separate entities. Our soul being who we truly are, and the body is a carbon-based vehicle to get “us” around on this spinning rock.

The analogy: My male body is the car, usually driven by him. However, he senses a female presence—me. For most of his life, he didn’t understand who that female presence was, what she wanted, or why she was even in HIS car. Mostly, he relegated me to the trunk, safely out of sight. Yet even then, I would occasionally escape and get my hands on the wheel! It was confusing to him because he always wondered, “Who is she?”

So… what is a vanished twin? Physically, it is fairly straightforward. Spiritually, it is a little more involved.

Physically, approximately 1 in 80,000 pregnancies yield multiple births. Yet roughly 1 in 8 pregnancies will result in multiple embryos conceived. Even before ultrasound (UT) exams, doctors understood that multiple embryos often existed even though the birth process didn’t yield the same number of babies. Doctors could hear additional heartbeats; early UT exams showed twins they didn’t later. The mother would sometimes birth additional fetal tissue or a stillbirth.

What happened to that twin that wasn’t viable and simply vanished? The mother’s body might have physically absorbed the non-viable twin’s tissue or the mother’s body encapsulated the non-viable twin’s tissue and the mother either birthed a “mass” or it became encapsulated as a tumor of sorts. The surviving twin may have absorbed their non-viable twin’s tissue, including its DNA. If the twins were of different sex, this might explain why a surprising number of people have two sets of DNA becoming a Chimera. Some cells having XX chromosomes and others having XY chromosomes in the same body. This sharing of DNA may explain many things, such as intersex individuals, and possibly even gay and transgender issues.

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But what happened to the vanished twin’s soul or essence? Where did it go? Or did it…?

I believe our soul melds with the body during the second or third trimester, making us human. I also believe that our souls choose the body and life they want in order to experience what they need to develop.

My brother sensed me in the background. While he loved trucks, trains, mud, and all things boy, he also he loved pretty things, young girl’s clothes, etc. But my brother thought “he” was feeling those attractions when it was actually “me”. It was complicated. “We” struggled with both masculine and feminine desires, likes, dislikes, and emotions. (He didn’t understand “we” then.) People called him sensitive. He wondered if he was gay. My brother was a tugboat captain, paratrooper, and more. And… he loved women – still does! So, who exactly was “I”…?

He had no clue…

He was full of guilt and stress, KNOWING the Devil had cursed him with those unexplained female desires. For sixty years, he kept me locked in the closet. My brother was often depressed (even harboring suicidal thoughts) as he rotated between dressing, thrill, joy, shame, tears, prayer, and purging, trying to live out MY desires.

He went through a devastating divorce (not related to me.) Through the healing process, he progressed from a lifetime of Christianity to exploring Eastern and Native American religions, and slowly towards spirituality. He read, studied, prayed, reflected, sought professional help, meditated, and slowly developed a better understanding of who he and I, we, really are.

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My brother became acquainted with his female self and spiritual twin sister. He came to understand that I lived within him in order to protect, teach, and love him – instead of simply passing through the veil. In turn, he protects, loves, and gives me space to learn what it means to be a woman and live as one.

For years, he believed he should transition. In not understanding this duality, he often felt he was a woman. I would have LOVED THAT!!! But it was my “brother’s” physical life, one HE LOVED – and it was HIS physical male body.

What to do? 

Well, my “brother” and I discussed how to share this one body and how to satisfy our desires and needs during the limited time we have left together on this spinning rock. We love, support, protect, and care about each other as only twins can. We accept the fact that it is my brother’s physical body, not mine. He is happily married to a wonderful and supportive woman who loves both parts of “us,” and is known and loved by his grandkids.

Being a pragmatic woman, I accept that most of “our” time should go to him. And he promises to fight for my time. This allows me to be 100% woman during my “Jules time,” feeling, acting, and experiencing the joys, pleasures, desires, and yes, worries facing all women in our world – without guilt. This has made “us” better.

Analogy update: I now sit in plain view. When the time presents, I hop in the driver’s seat, strap in, turn up the radio, smash the gas, and have heart-racing fun!!! I love driving that car – fast! My brother? He’s learning to hang on tight and mostly keeps his mouth shut.

Exceptional Voice

The Surviving Twin Syndrome is real. It carries with it the same emotional feelings which any survivor feels: guilt for not being able to have saved your twin, often resulting in depression, anxiety, abandonment issues, relationship issues, feeling unworthy, etc.

“Does your male self suffer from Vanished Twin Survivor Syndrome? Mine does.”

 

Namaste,

Jules

More Articles by Julie (Jules) Anderson

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    Dani Rostenkowski
    Member
    1 month ago

    Yes, I like the analogy. That fits well. I think that might describe it perfectly.

    Tonya Leren
    Member
    1 month ago

    I am in a position where I’m lost in who and what I am. I have been fighting with this for years. I his 100% behind a highly toxic version of my male self as I wanted to do anything to hide who I am… a few years back, during a night of drinking with some great friends (more family than friends) while talking to a female friend about her clothes and how cute they were I opened up on who I was… mentioning my choice of underwear and how I would love to wear the clothing choices she makes..… Read more »

    Roberta Broussard
    Baroness
    Trusted Member
    1 month ago

    Very profound Jules, I am going to have to think about this!

    Jill Quinn
    Member
    1 month ago

    Dear Jules, This has been my opinion as to why I feel such a strong need to cross dress. Like so many others, I too felt the thrill and then the crushing shame far too often associated with something as harmless as wearing women’s panties. I’ve known for years that one twin can absorb the other twin to some varying degrees, for whatever the reason. This in turn made me wonder if I had a twin in the womb, a womb mate if you will, and if my twin was a girl, and a girl who makes herself somewhat known… Read more »

    Jill Quinn
    Member
    1 month ago

    Thank you, Jules, your article has given me even more reason to believe that I (Jill) am one half of twins. In my case, I believe that my two halves are very close in personality, to the point that I don’t know which of us is the sensitive, empathetic, and kind one, and which is the stronger, principled one. I just know that when Eric is in control, he feels happy in his masculinity as much as I feel happy with my femininity when I take over. I guess we compliment each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We move together seamlessly… Read more »

    Cindy Lou
    Active Member
    1 month ago

    Hello Jules, haven’t been here in ages and I happened to notice this article in the sidebar, I’m thankful I read it and more so to you for writing it. You’ve closely described me and your analogy may prove to be very helpful in aiding me to finding the perfect balance of my two selves.

    Love, Cindy Lou.

    Last edited 1 month ago by Cindy Lou
    Holly Morris
    Active Member
    1 month ago

    Hi Jules, thanks so much for sharing this with us! I fully get it, as I think we came of age in a similar era. As you alluded to, this is a very complicated subject and many of us have suffered decades of confusion, joy, shame, happiness, fear, excitement, guilt, etc. while we tried (or are still trying) to figure it out. Truthfully, I personally don’t think any of us will ever really get to that point, as it’s not something that can really be quantified or qualified. It’s both…, and neither. But what you wrote captures very well all… Read more »

    Barbie Satin
    Member
    1 month ago

    Hi Julie That was beautifully written and a joy to read. I just know that my male personality and Barbie’s personality are at polar opposites in many ways. My male and female self have had some serious disagreements over the years. He was the voice of reason and I was the voice of ambition and chaos. My male side was always shy and tried to be invisible. Barbie wanted the entire world to notice her and made a credible attempt at it. For a period of 13 years Barbie was the one with a life. Barbie paid the bills and… Read more »

    Barbie Satin
    Member
    1 month ago

    Thank you so much Jules! I wonder if in my case I could have picked up a soul that was meant to have a life. My mother desperately wanted a girl and had two girls who were stillborn before she managed to give birth to me. A few months ago I sat down and started to write and ended up writing my memoirs. Looking back made me realize that everything that I did occurred at the exact and only time in history it could happen. What I did would be impossible in today’s world. When I look back at what… Read more »

    Barbie Satin
    Member
    1 month ago

    Hi Jules I attended the SCC in Atlanta back in 2000 and I had so much fun. I didn’t attend a single seminar or official event. The year I went there were two conferences running at the same time. The mild girls came out during the day and would not be seen out at night. The wild girls came out at night. There was a first night event called the Pajama party that year and I was invited. I really didn’t mean to cause a scandal that night! It just kind of happened. I would love to attend another SCC… Read more »

    Barbie Satin
    Member
    1 month ago

    Thank you Jules I will be a work in progress for awhile. The only things I drink are spring water and Raw Milk. I live near an organic farm. I used to also go collect water from a spring back in a state forest. I once owned 16 acres on the edge of the state forest. I heated with wood for many years. In my 20’s I was a huge guy and cut all my own wood with just a hand saw and an ax. No chainsaw. I fought through a really tough one in 2014. I was living up… Read more »

    Barbie Satin
    Member
    1 month ago

    Hi Jules
    Veggies I can do. Fruits I have to watch because of triglycerides and blood sugar. I am lucky to live just two miles from an organic farm with a really nice farmers market. They make wonderful home made soups.

    Love
    Barbie

    Joan Grey
    Member
    1 month ago

    Vanished twin? Way back when my mother conceived me she was certain she was having a girl. They even picked out the name “April”. Fast forward to my 69th birthday, surgeons removed a cyst from my small intestine. The pathologists report stated it was “embryological remnants”. When asked if it could have been my twin sister, the doctor replied “it’s very possible”. I like to think so….

    Rachael Rose
    1 month ago

    Thank you Jules so very much for writing this article – for me it begins to provide a profound insight into my persona and why I have developed into the person that I am. The concept is possibly being a twin is really amazing as my father was a twin and there appears to be a higher percentage of twins in my family than average. I can now view the male and female sides of my personality and needs with far greater clarity – there are definite times when my male mode must take the lead in terms of fitting… Read more »

    Rachael Rose
    1 month ago

    Thank you Jules for such a prompt and wonderful response which I found took me yet another step forward in my development as Rachael. I experienced some very bad years about 10 to 15 years ago which almost took me to the edge – I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for my female side being a part of me as an alter ego to counteract the bad things that were happening in my male life I don’t think I would have coped or may well have plunged into a world of using all sorts of things to escape… Read more »

    Rachael Rose
    1 month ago

    Thanks Jules for another interesting reply – it would be nice to chat sometime and talk about what has shaped us and others who CD.

    I am the kind of person who always wants to know more about why things happen and have tried to study different personality types to determine where I fit – I find this enables me to gain an insight into why people react to issues, situations and people who are different to them.

    Hope we can continue to exchange points of view and get to know each other as friends.

    hugs and kisses
    Rachael xxx

    Eve Atlast
    1 month ago

    This really resonates with us. The physical body is shared but there are two distinct people sharing it. I (Eve) have been lucky enough to rarely be relegated to the boot(trunk) and have spent most of our adult life as a back seat driver with varying degrees of voice but always there and increasingly allowed in the drivers seat whilst he gets to sit in the back and allow my frivolous self almost total control. My wife can see who has their hand on the wheel at a glance and often refers to us as a plural ‘How are we… Read more »

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