Living between the man I am and the woman I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

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Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

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lisa ann
12 years ago

when i dress i dont feel i am changing to a woman but being the feminine part of me. i have always felt that i am both gender; I work as a male, my wife is not at all supportive, and when i find time i express the feminine part of me. Not female, just femme. when i am out i feel i am a man who likes to wear tight jeans, wig, heals and a little lipstick. Not that i have some how changed my blood from male to female. God has given me a male body, no amount… Read more »

12 years ago
Reply to  lisa ann

Vanessa-just be YOU and feel good bout yaself! I sooo understand all the struggles you are facing and have faced-ya sooooo lucky that ya have a wife standing next to you! I’ve been divorced 3 times now and is struggling with my own acceptance now and making my journey into womanhood full time! You are Beautiful, smart, articulate, and a fine person! Be yaself hun!

10 years ago
Reply to  lisa ann

Hey this is brad, I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are goin through, I am goin through the same thing, but not with my wife, because I am not married, but my family, they are always saying very rood things to me because I am a man on the outside but in my head and my heart I am a girl, I have felt like this my whole life, but every time I try to show my femenin side, everyone is against me but I don’t let that offend me cuz it is who… Read more »

Alicia D
12 years ago

Hey there, probably surprisingly enough to be keeping up to date on your journals is that I’m actually a woman (LOL, born as one), but I wanted to say that while I have no experience with what you’re going through, I think you must be very strong, and I hope you stay true to who you are, whoever that may be. ^_^

Good luck, sweatheart!

PS: I love your journal, A+

Lynn Jones
12 years ago

Vanessa, you raise some interesting questions. I can only comment on what goes on in my head (or heart), it may well be different for others. I don’t feel split. I don’t feel there is a difference between ‘him’ or ‘her’. Indeed, I don’t think there is a him/her, there’s just me… sometimes I dress like a woman, but mostly I dress like a guy. I don’t feel like a woman when dressed up, but I do feel ‘connected’ in some way. I’m struggling to describe the feeling properly, but when I dress up or go meet other TG people,… Read more »

Joanna Phipps
10 years ago
Reply to  Lynn Jones

I dont feel a split anymore, I have reached a point in my transition that he is a memory and I know that there is no way I can live as him, even if I had to. I am on Hormones, but have not had surgery, even so I still live and work as a woman. In many ways I admire those who can do the double life but it wasnt for me. Gender may be a spectrum and it is up to us with the help of our gender teams to figure out where on the spectrum we fit.… Read more »

12 years ago

Hi Vanessa, I read your postings with great interest. My wife also understands my desire to dress in my girlie clothes, which has made a big difference for me. Never let that go, your wife is your best friend in everything you do. I would love to chat “offline” I’m not keen at this stage to go “public” with my views. I may dress as a girlie, but I am a guy, who wants to be a guy, but loves to wear clothes that make me feel so great inside. As my wife says, it brings out the feminine in… Read more »

12 years ago

Well, I’ve been dressing for most of my life, well over 40 years now, starting with a pair of tights I pinched from my cousin ! It’s grown from that to the point where I’ve a bigger wardrobe than my wife. I got to work as a male, I go shopping as a male, but there are times when I need to dress as I feel comfortable. Is that ‘being a woman’ or just ‘being comfy’ ? I have wigs, make-up, shoes, boots, corsets – in fact I dress better in femme mode than I do for the majority of… Read more »

11 years ago

hi, im a man and i want to change my body into a woman , i want to make surgery, and habe big nice boobs , nice asse and sweet voice , i need the right place to locate for the job.

11 years ago

I agree with most everything you have written, as I too have to fear becoming too feminine for my wife’s taste. It’s a hard decision to make, but I think we both know what primevial instinct will win out. We know what we are, and we love ourselves for being us. Personally I’ve grown tired of going to work as a true male, because I know I’m not one, nor wish to be. I’ve started feminizing my every day apperance, first by reducing the width of my eyebrows by more than half, and slowly giving them an apealing arch. I’ve… Read more »

11 years ago

from your words i feel i know you as i know myself. we are all constrained in our own worlds but we must strive to be whole. live life to fulfil your dreams and understand the joy each moment brings.
peace & love,

11 years ago

I have been fully dressed as a woman only twice and both times have been after I was married and both times it felt wonderful. Do i wish to be a woman? not really, but I really do enjoy looking like one. the clothes feel natural on me and I enjoy putting on make up. I would one day love to go out as a woman but that may never come. My wife is not supportive at all and has at one time commented about divorce if she found out. I do love my wife very much and will not… Read more »

11 years ago
Reply to  Vanessa Law

I feel just the opposite. I am a tomboy most the time but I want to be a man. I dont want to be a lesbian but just man. I workout like a man. I am more boyish but people and my family dont know that I want to be a man. They say I should be more women like and that just kills me. I just cannot tell anyone I know how I feel. I smile and make jokes about it but inside its killing me… I hate wearing the dress when I should be growing a beard and… Read more »

Joanna Marie Phipps
11 years ago

I truly understand the feelings you are having and the pain you are going through. I struggled with it for a while and then decided that 50 years of being what I wasn’t (if that made sense)was enough and I had to end the dichotomy once and for all. When I finally came out to my wife, I faced exactly what you fear, the accusations, demand for divorce and the near loss of everything I held dear. My GF (my former wife) and I quite amicably share the same house but under different ground rules. I have my own room… Read more »

10 years ago

I want to have a crossdresser as a friend, please connect me with one.

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