It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.
Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?
My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.
Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.
Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?
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hi, speaking for the first time in public. it is such a great adrenalin rush when u dress up and take the first step out. I have tried this so many times. when i was young i used to sleep with my sibling sisters , and would wear bra while not telling anybody(obviously) and in midd;le of the night i would wake up and open up my bra hooks and that fear was a great feeling. Now when mu wife is out, i would come back from office and dress up in just bra and a skirt would sit in… Read more »
Well I did decide to try to express my TG side and right now I am losing everything. I am so confused please pray for so. I want to seek God will.
dear vanessa,
i feel the same as you, indeed, i do dress as a woman to fufil some sexual urge but to feel as if i was the woman i was supposed to be. as the days go by i become more and more certain thhat i really am supposed to be a woman, and i hold a dream that one day i will pull down my panties and the penis that is there now has been cut off and a vagina put in its rightful place
Dear sweet Natalie It is truly a shame that those of us on this road have to risk it all for the sake of who we know we are. I don’t know if you have any groups in your area who could help with this trying and troubling time. If you wish to drop me a line my email is on the main page of my website feel free to contact me off list and we can talk things over. I understand the pain, needs and desires of one who is on this road since I am on it as… Read more »
Natalie, I’m so sorry to hear hon. My prayers are with you. I know it can sound trite, but sometimes we go through the valleys so we know how tall we stand when we’re on the mountain top. I know you’ll get to the other side, hang in there love.
dear veneasa u got me looking at men at women at work about curves and u r right about half women have curves on tush but alot r strait and guys r harder to tell they wear more hiding clothes
Just a bit of an update. Since I last posted in this thread I have started living 100% as Joanna. I have transitioned at work and the customers are accepting (even if the staff have the pronoun issue). It is truly a great feeling to finally be who I am. I still have several things I need to do but they are on hold pending a move back to Canada next year. My advice to anyone who thinks they maybe transsexual is to seek a good gender therapist, or a good therapist that is willing to learn about gender issues… Read more »
Vanesssa, Thanks for the wonderful website. I hear you loud and clear. I am 49 years old and have been dressing for the better part of the last 25 yers. Does it make me feel wonderful to see the woman in me in the mirror?..joy is a better way to say it. Are there emotional struggles between love lost if I “keep going" and “self lost" if I don’t? Absolutely. I’ve reached a crossroads in my journey, and realize that michelle is stronger than michael, perhaps a realization I’ve made for the first time in my life. Unlike your situation,… Read more »
Michael 49 years old and you call yourself old nonsense! I was a late beginner at 75..It was a frightful start to buy panties. long nightgown, a robe & waiting in the checkout line
surprisingly except for me sweating all was well. I could hardly wait to get home and my other self "Joy " was thrilled. Now at 83 I am still in the closet but dress every day..
Dear Michelle You have, indeed, reached a watershed moment. Can anyone here tell you if your are Transsexual, a cross dresser or one of the other branches of the Transgender spectrum? Probably not, but that is where a good therapist comes in, they can help with this phase and other phases of the journey. What you are saying about your female side being stronger than the male side is certainly what I found as I allowed myself access to those thoughts and feelings. It felt so right that the diagnosis wasnt a surprise to me; however it sure blindsided my… Read more »
When I am home and dressed as Pam I feel more and more like I am being the real me. I don’t feel excited by being Pam, I just feel normal and comfortable but frustrated right now because I need to and want to take the steps to live and work and be a woman (Pam) full time.
I have read the comments and have been researching the internet deeply. I am Transgengender. I have been since my earliest memories and have lived a very unique life and have been blessed with a heart incapable of hate. As a child I could not understand why I was being forced to be a boy. All the boys treated me like a girl because I acted like a girl and mentally that is how I perceived myself. I put up with the nick names and the abuse. I would steal my sisters clothes and finally withdrew into myself because of… Read more »
What a wonderfully written story about yourself Elizabeth. Too often children are the worst offenders of gender hate. They pass on the problems of society and their upbringing and are biased at a very early age. It would have been nice to have found someone like ourselves when growing up so we wouldn't have had to withdraw so much. I made few friends and kept largely to myself. Even tho I was good at sports I didnt really like them very well. Every story is similar yet so different. Leslee
There is a lot of good content here for those of us who study this issue. Two profound things happened to me in the last year. One of my friends transitioned to a transsexual and the other is my wife developed breast cancer. My wife is a total blessing to me. Our relationship is wonderfully complex and requires work. My friend traveled alone to another country to complete the transition. I did all I could to support her remotely and she was amazing. Both of these allowed me to consider who I am and what I want. It is through… Read more »
Accepting myself for who and what I am required that I accepted myself as a woman. I spent most of my life trying to do what society expected of a male, marry, raise kids, work and what have you. All it got me was depressed, angry, misdiagnosed as all kinds of things, ready to either check out of life or into a mental hospital. Since diagnosis and being in transition the only meds I take on a regular basis are my AntiAndrogen, Estrogen and multivitamin; all of the rest I have been able to drop. I am happier, easier to… Read more »
I also feel a strong desires to exercising my feminine sided. I also wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life? For the longest time I wonder if someting was wrong with me. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone.
Bobbie
When I read your feelings, it reflects very much the same feelings I have. I am married to a woman who is not supportive of Melissa but knows about her. I think many times if I didn’t have her, my kids and a couple of granddaughters, I’d definitely be living 100% as the woman I desire so much in my heart and mind to be. If I were to go down the road of being more feminine, I would for sure lose the most wonderful woman in my life. In some ways I like being the man I am outwardly… Read more »
Dear Melissa Sad, but true, that is the price we pay to be who we are. If you can go through life, living and working as a man and cross dressing when and how you can then great. Unfortunately for me that wasn’t going to work. I knew when I started that the only end point that was tolerable for to be as completely female as I could possibly be. This was going to mean that I had to be willing to put at risk all of the relationships that I held dear, yes right up to and including employment.… Read more »