It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.
Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?
My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.
Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.
Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?
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For me it is more like coping with the girl I am within the male body I was born with. I have worked at being more masculine in demenor all my life. I can"t recall how many times I was teased for being too girlish in my tastes and actions from my childhood on through today. Don’t get me wrong, I appear very masculine with men’s extra large hands and hat size. I just find it difficult to cope with the male me. The male I have become is always afraid someone will see the feminine side of me. I… Read more »
WOW I’d like to thank each and everyone of you for your replies. I am a 36 yr old CD. I started stealing my moms panties and hose at 2 yrs old. I ruined so many pairs of hose mom bought me my own and taught me how to put them on. Then dad found out. he tried to beat the sissy girl out of me and yelled at mom for hrs. That broke the bond mom n I had as she taught me to dress and act like the girl I wanted to be. Dad wouldn’t let me out… Read more »
I totally agree with the first commenter here. When I’m dressed It feels like the whole world is different. I feel more relaxed, more intouch with everything around me. I don’t know why or can really explain it. Its almost like being in a more powerful universe and I am an important part of it whole being. A state of unimaginal bliss.
Its like being bathed in lavendar and lace and my body tingling from the inner joy that has enveloped me.
I felt relief reading a lot of your comments. I am an older male now and have been CD’ing since I was young. I always felt guilt and shame about it praying to the god I believed in at the time to help me find a woman so I could settle down, get married and have kids. (I also thought by getting married I’d be able to stop the CD’ing.) I’d meet a woman and toss out all my girlie clothes thinking I wouldn’t need them anymore. But marriage never came and I stopped believing in any god. I just… Read more »
Donna, I have been xding since I was 11 yrs of age. I didn’t have to hide it because my mother believed boys should wear dresses. She xded me and my brothers. I took to the dresses like a duck to water, my brothers did not. I loved the feeling. I loved being the special girl in the house. I had party dresses with attached petticoats and plain dresses. I had panties of cotton and silk and slips for the plain dresses. Take you girls clothes out of the boxes. Put something on you really like, that you feel comfortable… Read more »
Robert, you are soooooooooooo lucky to have all your clothing I only have what my sis (secretly) lets me wear which is only one dress that fits my slim size. Me and my sis know if our parents find out were dead. Unfortunatly, we can only when they are gone but when they are she paints my nails puts extentions in my hair and does my makeup.
Eve, Hiding only causes stress. Stress leads to depression. depression leads to a destructive life style (alcohol & drugs). You and your sister need to talk to your parents. Your mother first. You need to let this out. Try this while Dad is out, have your sister help you dress completely from the skin out. Go into the room where your mother is with your sister. Have your sister ask your mother if the dress looks okay or should it be hemmed-up a little or let the hem out. Right away moms gonna ask why you are wearing it. Tell… Read more »
hiya Robert, totally agree with what you’re saying and good technique for coming out too.
When I came out to my parents, I was straight up about the subject, no nonsense like it or loathe it.
Although my parents don’t like it much, they don’t mind me dressing in the house.
Kind Regards
Emily
Emily, Being straight up about it really isn’t accomplishing what you seek to accomplish by staying inside your home. You need to get OUTSIDE the prison you are encapsulating yourself in. Even if you look like a guy in a dress or skirt. The more you go outside the freer you will be. Your stress levels will initially rise, but subside as you find out that most people don’t care what you wear as opposed to how you act. If you carry that chip on your shoulder of being different while dressed it will be reflected by how you act… Read more »
Hello Ladies, The 27 is the year I was born it’s not my age. I really started 10 yrs ago,although I did try on my sister’s coral brocaded maid of honor gown when I was 16, entered the Navy at 17 and upon an honorable discharge went to college in NYC. Thats when I found out I was Gay. After many encounters I found love for 33 yrs, He passed away after many yrs in a nursing home. When he was no longer home I started CDing and to this day I’m closeted basically into panties, bras, stockings, robes, mules… Read more »
You are a navy veteran like I am. You need to get a hold of TAVA.com Itis an exmilitary group that helps those who are
lesbians, gay, bisexual or transgendered. They offer a wide range of topics that aid you in your lifestyle, irregardless of it. There are more transgendered american veterans then the military really wants to disclose. The don’t ask/don’t tell policy was a step in the right direction but now needs to be expanded upon. A person should be able to be open as to their sexuality or gender preferences.
I have found that it is no good hiding from the truth,what ever the truth is.I have hidden myself from the world but mainly from me.I know now that I am Karen and not who my body portrays. If people do not understand it’s their problem not mine. It all came to a point for me when a lady who I’ve known for a long time told me that she was pregnant. At first I was very happy for her but as she started to show and her body changed I realised that I was very envious of her. That… Read more »
I previously wrote a post regarding having a sex change. And I read this article which might make some people think about it. The address is: http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/Warning.html#Renee
That was the most important part of my post so I’ll leave it at that since it’s time for bed. Hope it enlightens someone as it did me.