Living between the man I am and the woman I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

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Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

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mistee
8 years ago

i am new to this lifestyle and can not believe how great it makes me feel….my soon to be wife started my transformation and supports me in my crossdressing. In fact, she could care less who sees me dressed up!!!!im so scared about embarressing her….but we walk our dog with me dressed and i feel fine. We also have a close female friend that accepts me dressed up which helps me alot……i would love to chat with more people like me, but who knows….thank for reading, it makes me feel better just getting it off my chest

Michelle Hart
8 years ago

When I was yoounger, I never had a real proble being the young girl that I knew I was. It showed in almost everything I did. Then I had to grow up and face the reality that no matter how hard I tried to keep being the woman I was, life kept kicking me down. In my teens, I acted and somewhat dressed everyday as a woman. I even found a guy that seemed to love me for being me. My girl friends would encourage me to be truely beautiful and feminine. Reality was my parents that slapped me down… Read more »

Stella
8 years ago

I am just now trying to understand my gender. I love dressing as a female but my wife thinks it is really not the manly thing to do. istarted when i was 15 and now 59. kept it burried until now. it took suicide atempt to bring to me to this point. my theripist suggest i explore this new life. my wife threatens to leave if i continue to go beyondpanties and nylons. does anyone know of any support groups around north idaho.

Sophia
8 years ago

When I was 9 I tried dressing in my moms cloths and was caught by my dad, he offered to buy my own girls clothing, but I was embarrassed and said no. In my teen years I stole my sisters cloths and would put them on when no one was home and than would put them back before she notice. I never pursued my feminine side and went on to have 5 children. I am now 42 and it was like a light bulb or a switch was turned on that told me to stop living in a lie. I… Read more »

Joyce
8 years ago

I have the same problems. I am so happy when I am dressed as Joyce. It gives me a wonderful day. I sometimes wonder if I have Kleinfelter’s Syndrome. Two x chromosomes and one y because I didn’t just decide to be a crossdresser one day. It was always there. It’s in my blood or my genes. I don’t know. But I am happy with it, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Except the fear of being caught when I am expressing my true self. Does anyone know where you get chromosome testing done? I do not want… Read more »

Joyce
8 years ago

Darn it I just wrote a heartfelt comment and it dosappeared into cyberspace. What happened. I am out of time now and I have to go.

Dani
7 years ago

The last 4 years I have discovered a powerful feeling that made me suffer when I first faced it. After 28 years of living as a man, dating girls, playing soccer and doing all the things young guys are suposed to do…I began to feel a strong desire of dressing as a girl, with make up and everything. Buying clothes was always a stressing situation but when I came home that tension turned into excitment and I spent as much time I could as a girl…but always at home. I stared at the figure on the mirror and I really… Read more »

urmila11
7 years ago
Reply to  Dani

dear dani.
I have got a feeling that u will succed without loosing your girl friend, and she will accept u, since she really loves u

Dani
7 years ago
Reply to  urmila11

Thank you very much for your supporting words.
I know she is making a big effort to understand what´s happening to me.
I hope in my future messages I can tell you I´m on my way to my true self and not alone…

kevin
7 years ago

I’m a man I’ve hidden long enough my girlfriend has found many login in on this subject. I love her but I rather dress like her. I’m having problem with opening up with this my best friend lezboleigh try to help but she tore up my bras an I’m heart broken. God help me come out

urmila11
7 years ago

Dear vanessa, since little more than 5 years, I am living exactly like u, trying to be the woman i want to be and feeking feminine in home, but not in the presence of my kids, and as a man on working days. But to keep in toucj with mt feminine side, i do panties and cami under my dress to office. Sine our society is so conservative, my wife is a wonderful person who understands me and is bery supportive.I am trying to find peace as i am giving out the thought of becoming fully feminine, especially because of… Read more »

Kim
7 years ago

Last summer I sat down one day and began to accept who I was.. And I let her in (Kim) that is.Who I chose as my femme name. I had all ready kept myself shaved for almost a year or two.. I began to dress more and more .. My S.O. slept sleeped down stairs on the couch .. I snored to loud.. Ha. So that gave me the bedroom all night ,so I took advantage of it .When I dressed I finally put all the peices together, wig, cloths etc. I was amazed that I looked that good even… Read more »

Kim
7 years ago
Reply to  Kim

Well, there has been progress.She has her head around it. Hope so, this could be one hellava ride.

Kimberly
7 years ago
Reply to  Kim

Hi Ihave tried not to get dressed but I find my self going out in public now. I have only gone to the local boutique where Iam ok and accepted .Iwent tonight an picked up a new corset to go out in . The thing is that promised not to shave my body and face . I really like to go out on Friday nite by myself to the local club The girls at the shop say that I am quite passable 6″ foot 240 lbs but I know I can pull it off the thrill of it is a… Read more »

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